The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I posted recently asking for ESH when it comes to family estrangement apparent after my Dad's stroke a few years ago. I was hurting because I was the only one of my siblings and aunts and uncles not invited to my sister's oldest's wedding.
When I went to visit Dad this weekend, I helped him get his mail out of his box that he hadn't picked up since the end of April. In it were announcements to my other sister's youngest's college graduation, the invitation to my niece's wedding, and an announcement of a brother's oldest son's college graduation.
I find myself wondering whether sending cards to my nieces and nephew (with or without checks) would be appropriate or foolish? I'm still emotionally confused by all of this new development in the family dynamics and surprised most especially by this particular brother also isolating me from his life. Neither he nor I have even had a cross word spoken with each other that I can ever remember. I bought cards today for the kids - my motivation? I have sent cards and checks for other nieces and nephews and don't see a reason to refuse to send them the same - even if there is some kind of family mob mentality going on in relationship to me right now.
Before I act, I need feedback. My HP's guidance seems to be a line from Scripture that has to do with doing good for those who are unkind to you since nothing is gained by doing kindnesses for those who are kind to you. Since I'm not clear, I'm not acting with mailing cards yet. Any wisdom or insight to share?
My thought would be about " a line from Scripture that has to do with doing good for those who are unkind to you since nothing is gained by doing kindnesses for those who are kind to you." I'm not trying to pronounce on your motive, but I know that I used to think, "See how kind I am to those who treat me badly. See how superior I am in my kindness, while those other people are so unkind." And I'd kinda dwell on it. It helped ease the pain of their unkindness, but I think ultimately it kept me in the wrong place.
You could say that being kind to kind people doesn't "count" (thinking of it as a sort of "scoring points for an onlooker" kind of way), but there's also the perspective that healthy relationships are usually reciprocal. I mean that in a healthy relationship, it's not one way, it's give-and-take, directing most of your energy to those who have the emotional health to meet you halfway and to be really present in a relationship with you. (Not my specialty, in my history -- I spent a lot of years directing a lot of energy to people who sucked it in like a black hole. Warmth didn't come back in the other direction much.) So it could be said that your energy is best directed at those who can step up to a warm and caring relationship, because those are real relationships, not just a kind of shouting into the wind.
Just some thoughts -- take what you like and leave the rest.
Cathy...it sounds like you are a kind person. Don't change that...be kind again...HP loves it and so do you and the 3 receivers I'm sure will be grateful. ((((hugs))))
I tend to view my recovery as behaving myself properly. I would do whatever you feel is the right thing to do. If its better for you to let go then that's ok. I try to figure out my motives and the right thing to do has the right motives. X
Thank you for the responses. I've come to the conclusion that my nieces and nephews are my nieces and nephews no matter how my siblings treat me. I truly don't know what is going on with my siblings - and I don't need to know. I do need to acknowledge their children's accomplishments because I have the opportunity, the desire, the ability and the time. I'm sure within this decision is a part of me that would like positive response from them, but that part of me can only be acknowledged and surrendered. It isn't realistic to hope for or to expect or to want an outcome that isn't going to occur. But, I can certainly do something that I believe family members do when it comes to their children who are simply born into a dynamic that isn't the healthiest. Estrangement isn't healthy. Refusing to sit down and talk about issues to come to resolution that all parties can live with isn't healthy. Refusing to acknowledge the milestones of our family members to me, isn't healthy either. So.....I've finally come to a decision I can live with. Thanks for hearing me out, giving me feedback and different perspectives to consider, and helping me act with reasoned sanity. Much gratitude to you all. I can't change my siblings' ways of dealing with issues, but I can certainly stop agonizing over what this situation calls for now and act. I'm now at peace again.
