The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I am interacting with people I notice that I always focus on them and am a really good listener. I always want to make them happy and I revert the conversation back to them and I feel uncomfortable talking about myself. I think that I worry they are going to think I am talking about "me" too much - but in reality, I am not like that at all. This got me thinking that when I was a child I had to focus on my mom to make her happy and I had to be a BIG people pleaser to be seen and heard. It served me then and was my survival but now I feel like it is burying me and every time I do this to myself I feel like I am slowly dying inside. I feel like I am betraying myself and yet I don't know how to stop myself. I am trying to learn to catch myself when I can see I am doing it and I have gotten better about being aware of it but the hard part is changing it. I am trying to parent the inner child I have in me and it always seems like there is more work to do. I get really frustrated because I wish I could just be like a regular person and be able to talk about myself, my interests, my likes and dislikes, my stuff. I want to be seen and heard too. Luckily the alanon program has helped me with this a lot but I still notice that after the meetings I still talk to the people who talk about themselves so much. I feel like I don't know how to have a normal conversation. So my question is " is it normal when I am talking with others to revert the conversation to me too?" I feel like when I do that it ALWAYS goes back to the other person and they leaved filled up by my great listening and supporting skills and I leave feeling like a lost child again and invisible. I would love your experience strength and hope.
Living with alcoholism many of us learned to become invisible, keeping the focus off ourselves, worry about others and in many ways become invisible to ourselves as well That is why alanon meetings are so important It is here that we learn to keep the focus on ourselves, talk without being interrupted and left alone without anyone giving advise after.
Healthy conversations are a 2 way street Each shares, identifies with what the other has said and then share about themselves
It is rewarding to participate in conversations such as this Keep on trying.
Aloha Kathy..."normal" to me is what I allow to be usual and acceptable. Sounds to me like you're wanting to change your normal like I was when I first got into program. I did what you did and allowed it to happen. I had to change the allow part and do things differently. Doing the inventory work of what I was doing and not doing which was causing me concern was very important. Taking that to my sponsor was also very important to get the feedback from another just like you have done here. Finding solution and practicing solutions was a must...the practice was a followup. In conversation practice with others I monitor what is going on against how I want it to go on. I like mutual communications with balance both listening and talking and at the same time knowing about changing the things I can. If I can't get a word in edgewise I take a break from listening. If I am over domineering I take a break and often ask the others in the conversation for their ESH whether I am speaking with program members or not. It is important to listen for me so that I can get the big picture of what I am trying to be a part of as it is most important that I have something relative to say. I use "when in doub't...don't" as a slogan guide during conversations both in speaking and in listening. I relate to your inner child example. That was past and now the inner and outer is all grown up. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
I too always felt invisible. Never really thought about it until I read your post. I think when we are raised "different" than the norm it is easier to become invisible. I have learned so much from everybody and just really like this site. Thanks, Jenny
