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Hi I have a feeling my posts will be more and more frequent at least up to June 1 moveout for AH. Just need to hear more about how he will be trying everything and anything to stop this from happening, that the only way my situation will change is if I change it, that this has been a theme for 20 yrs and time to hop off the merry go round.
Last night--the whole family is in the house, and I can sense my AH willing me to see how beautiful it all is, what is so wrong, we have everything we need right here, etc etc....even reaching out for me a few times and I hated to do it but I can't reciprocate the physical beyond a fond hug at this point--I really really do not want to give any false hope here...also I was reminding myself that as lovely and Norman Rockewellesque it all was, he did get home at 5am yesterday morning again!!
So....I am reaching out like crazy to all of my fellow alanoners, family friends and everyone who has known even an inkling about my life. Any thoughts appreciated, cheerleading welcomed, similar feelings shared, and thank you all in advance--the support here is my lifeline.
yanksfan
-- Edited by yanksfan51 on Tuesday 14th of May 2013 05:31:33 PM
Read my post above. I know the merry-go-round. I know I want the ride to end. If you've made the decision to part with your A then sticck to it. I seem to be destined for at least one more trip around but hopefully with more time and f2f meetings comes even more clarity and resolve to 'change the things I can'. Try to visualize the results of your decision and not the fabrication of happiness your A is setting before you. I need to look beyond my own recent happy crappy and find the truth.
Keep moving forward! don't let the nostalgia and what could have been bs keep you in denial of what is!
I spent YEARS thinking if I just do this, or if we just do that ...then it would be okay. Denial -- not just a river in Jordan, and not just for As. I was in denial for years, because I was so afraid of being on my own...
You'll stick to your word. Something will happen that will help you remember why you decided you needed to move on. Nobody likes change - even good change - until we've done it. I waivered many, many times with my ex AND 10 years after the divorce saw I had grown but he had not. I had made the choice I needed to make even though there were good times between us, too, during our marriage.
We cannot live in the future. Today is May 14th and not June 1st. The past is done and the future hasn't arrived yet is what I learned in the face to face rooms of Al-Anon. When I learned to "self" focus it didn't include her although all of my changes affected everyone around me and her. I cut myself off from having my life dependent upon anything "she" and still loved her unconditonally as taught within detaching with love. We were moving kinda sorta in the same direction and on different tracks which, I learned, was how it was supposed to be and how it is now. I was told that "It is impossible for two people to occupy the exact same spot at the exact same time" and so I let her go from my spot. Live in your day and your moment like it sounds like you're doing...practice, practice, practice. In support (((((hugs)))))
I have found I have to stick to my boundaries and keep my word. It shows my son I'm on kidding anymore and this is my choice. It also doesn't mean I can't see him, talk to him, have him over for dinner or going someplace with him. It's my choice.
With the peace you will have it will give you the time to think about what you want and I truly think your AH will do the same when on his own. He will think about what he could lose and lose forever. He needs to have boundaries so he can make those hard choices.
Let go and trust your HP......he will give you and him the right answers.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
What helps me step outside my comfort zones, create and maintain healthy boundaries is to do my best to take measures to be as comfortable as possible during the process- and, take things one day at a time. Stay close to your HP and be gentle with you.
Something that really helps me is remembering the slogans .. If nothing changes .. NOTHING changes. My own that I picked up here and around is I have to listen with my eyes not with my ears .. if the behavior is still there .. then refer to if nothing changes .. nothings changes. Show me the recovery .. don't tell me.
What you can do best for you is to take care of yourself. If it's good for you then it's good for your children; it's even good for the A in your life. I don't do my STBAX any favors by enabling his insane behavior. In fact in a weird way I'm helping him kill himself.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you all so much--I know that the support and strength is always here, and that is presently carrying me through this difficult time. I have to be clear and look at what is actually happening. Still staying out drinking and coming home when the rooster crows? Yes. Is this is a sign of commitment to recovery? No. It is exactly why I know deep down that I cannot stay in this whether or not he ever makes a serious commitment to change his life. I have to change mine. I have to stop giving in to the thoughts of...well, it's not every night, or he's not completely ripped everytime he comes home late. ???? These are the thoughts that let me know how sick I have become, and a reminder that I am in recovery myself, and need to work on that.
So...thank you thank you thank you. As I said in an earlier post, these boards are a lifeline right now so I appreciate all of your thoughts.
Coming home at 5 am is Crazytown, and trying to imply that the current conditions are normal is more Crazytown. I think what your A is trying to will you into thinking is "This is as good as it gets so I might as well let the crazy go on." Sure, it's as good as it gets for him. For healthy people, not so much!
Denial is so powerful, in his eyes everything is fine, why are you splitting up the family. I remember this well. My ex did this, then he got angry saying I was making the decisions and he had no say. He tried every trick in the book. Trying to make me guilty. I was so ready though and saw that really he wanted his own way, all about him, and really he was acting like a spoilt child. Keep going with what'sright for you.x
Yes and believe it or not it's sad and healing for the kids as well. My daughter and son have both said they were relieved when the STBAX finally moved out. They were not happy with the situation as far as their family breaking up .. they both see that I'm soooo much happier and they are too.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Glad you're using your eyes to watch and see the more that will be revealed. He continues to show you why Normal Rockwell paintings are that - just paintings - and why you decided you will be moving on to the new life that you want.
