Hi everyone,

My name is slogan_jim and I am grateful member of al-anon. In 2 weeks it will be 3 years!

Today, I want to share on something before I go to bed. It's something that I'm a little down on and right now I am looking to accept it but am having trouble. For my sanity, I am asking if maybe I should. I have never hidden the fact that I would like to one day get married and have a family of my own. I never had a functional family growing up and my alcoholic father is currently a very lonely man. My mother and I are estranged and my father is an alcoholic pre-occupied with other alcoholics. It hurts so much and I am speaking to a counsellor about it. I want another opportunity to do it right and without alcoholism.

It's to the point now where going out to events where there are tons of married couples, hurts. I feel so left out and like my time will not come. I am seeing my friends less and less and ultimately it's not going to get any better.

One thing I have always noticed about men in al-anon (or the men I am noticing) is that most are middle-age, unmarried, and appear very lonely. I swore that I wasn't going to be  'that guy'. 

It seems like the more I try and avoid it, the more I keep being steered in that direction. I am afraid to let women in my life. Have constantly pushed them away and I am getting more and more active in the fellowship. I am only 29 and to some that number may not seem big but to me and seeing what's happening to those around me, it's a very large number.

Now I have myself asking, 'is it really so bad?' No, it's not the life I want but maybe that's meant to be my role in this life. I need to start accepting. Accepting that this is my role. Accepting that this is what my higher power has in store?

I need to stop trying to force solutions.

Thanks,

Jim.

 

 

I can identify with your perception right now. It is very hard to see seemingly happy couple all around while feeling it will never come for ourselves. I can see so much wisdom in your words when I read your posts. Your 'turn' is out there.. Maybe around the next corner or maybe a year or two down the road.. It will be worth the wait & you will be such a stronger & more prepared man when the time come, as you have put in so much foundation on yourself. Many hugs to you tonight... I do know how you feel. Life alone can feel very lonely even when we have full lives in other areas.

Thanks Guys, You know it's funny because I have always asked myself if I should get a dog or cat to ease my loneliness. Then I remember the expense, the fact that I'd have to board it if I went away, can't forget to feed it etc... Then I think 'nah, I don't want to put up with that extra hastle'. Perhaps that's symbolic that I'm not ready to devote time to someone else just yet. I don't know why I think being in a relationship will fix everything? That's where the counsellor and program comes in :)

Jim, you don't want to force solutions on one level, but to find a relationship, you do have to keep going out, meeting with friends, and actively pursuing dating possibilities. Join match.com or something like that. Go after what you want. Go on lots of dates. Ask lots of women out. That is the way to increase the likelihood of finding "the one." Any self-pity or desperate attitude will be read that way by women. So play the field and have fun.

This will go against your grain and it will be painful when some don't like you and when you have to reject them cuz you don't like them but it's part of the dating game. I don't feel that this is about acceptance as much as it is about you taking necessary action towards the changes you want. You are uncomfortable with being in the vulnerable positon of asking women out, going on dates, getting rejected, or having to reject them. These are parts of dating and you will benefit from repeated exposure to it until you are used to it. The fun of dating and the excitement of meeting new people (not to mention sexual gratification) outweighs the discomfort eventually.

I do believe your counselor will help you with this. Hopefully you will not experience rejection as abandonment (a hot topic and for good reason for you). I can envision that when a woman isn't interested or is rejecting - then you feel the pain of your mom and that history, but when you don't like then and need to reject them, the "fix it, helper" side comes out from how you act with your dad and you feel sorry for them and don't want to hurt them and feel so guilty for not continuing on with them.

You don't want to have this childhood stuff keep determining your future. You've identified that many of these things are character defects (step 4). You have admitted these things repeatedly to sponsor, peers in alanon (step 5). Now - this is where I would put more focus: How much are you willing to have the defects removed? (step 6). That does mean putting yourself out there and being vulnerable. God will help you but he's not going to send the perfect girl out to knock on your door while you are at home and ask to marry you. These middle steps are "action" steps for a reason. Take action. I think you have nailed it allready why you have some fears and reservations and trauma etc.... You know the reasons already. Any more thinking about it is probably ruminating over the past. Now is the time to LET GO and CHANGE! Act differently to get different results.