The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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I don't know what to think... my brain is scrambled. I blew up today and said some terrible things to her today. Gave her a real big dose of her own medicine. I know it wasnt right but it felt so good at the time. I told her she should kill herself and then asked her how that feels coming from the person that is supposed to love you. I called her names. I screamed and yelled. I acted like an out of control idiot. Then we sat down and talked more calmly and i told her that I didn't think I could get any better if i stayed with her. Now she wants to start going to aa meetings and to couples counseling. I told her that it sounds like b***t intended to manipulate me. She then changes tactics and tries to make me feel guilty for something that happened 18 years ago. Ridiculous. I told her the reason all this is happening is because of her behavior now and not something from 18 years ago. It all stems from the fact that she does not respect me and uses me as a whipping post to vent her frustrations on. I am a convenient taker of blame for everything unsatisfactory with he r own life. She even had the nerve to tell me that I wasnt there for her when i was hospitalized after suicide attempt. I dont think it gets any more self centered than that. Maybe its hard to respect someone that would put up with all the abuse that i have.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 12th of May 2013 08:27:27 PM
dponlyme: Sounds like you have reached the end of your rope. What do you think you need to do to take care of yourself right now? What might help you feel better than you do right now? A walk in nature? A coffee or soda with a friend? A hot shower? Cleaning out the garage? Have you eaten today? Had enough water to drink? My heart goes out to both you and your wife. Lots of prayers for guidance and support coming from my computer to yours. You're going to come through this okay. I know you don't feel respected and maybe a little ashamed of the way you handled yourself today. But - try to remember - you also reached out for help on this board. That is an action to be respected. It takes courage to admit our true thoughts and feelings. That is also an action to be respected. You're healing. That's to be respected as well.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 12th of May 2013 09:22:36 PM
If it's any help to you, when I get to those times - when my brain is scrambled and I don't know what to think - that doing something physical is a big, big help in settling down and expending necessary energy in a positive way. I'm also wondering if you have a place to go to spend the night where you can feel safe and at peace to get a good night's sleep?
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 12th of May 2013 08:55:26 PM
dponlyme wrote Maybe its hard to respect someone that would put up with all the abuse that i have.
Reminds me of a alcoholic's letter that go's around the internet....here is one of the sentences below.
Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily.
I'm so sorry...I pray you find some peace.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Amongst other things, I am wishing for you to break free from swallowing the blame that gets hurled your way, very soon! After years of everything being my 'fault', it was a two-week break abroad with no contact that got me to see all this cowardly nonsense blaming for what it was when I came back. I am not sure I could have come to my senses while continuing to be immersed in it daily. Can you take a break from her?
Talked to AW last night. She wants us to stay together but promises if she drinks again she will check herself in to rehab. She called today about getting herself some counseling. I agreed but did set the boundaries. I think she knows I mean business. I am maintaining detachment from her. I let her know that I cannot police her or counsel her or act as a sponsor. If she is to stay sober then she will have to do it on her own. I really don't hold a lot of hope that she will be successful.
Btw I don't attend any f2f meetings but I am doing ok. I don't feel so helpless anymore. One way or the other I am committed to making things change. Like I said I am maintaining a high degree of detachment. I'll be sleeping on the floor for the time being. Just going to wait and see what happens. Thanks everyone for... well you know. Thanks.
Btw I don't attend any f2f meetings but I am doing ok. I don't feel so helpless anymore. One way or the other I am committed to making things change. Like I said I am maintaining a high degree of detachment. I'll be sleeping on the floor for the time being. Just going to wait and see what happens. Thanks everyone for... well you know. Thanks.
dp...go back over your posts up to and including your last one and re-read this share. Read back over the many shares of others who do attent Al-Anon and see if you are not missing something. If nothing changes... nothing changes. You've been given a lot of ESH here and support from those who have worn your woes and then changed. Some of it might have rubbed off and it doesn't seem that the willingness to try and do something different has. If you keep doing the same things you have been doing; it is certain you will keep getting the same result. If your expectation is that you will arrive at a different solution while doing the same things...you will have been practicing the definition of insanity. In support.
I so agree with Jerry. Reread your shares and if you believe you are doing ok, you are in denial. I will be blunt, you are not doing ok. There has been alot of support for many loving, caring and wise people on this forum...you may find the support will get sparse. As with the alcoholic/addict, you too can stay in crazyland if you choose. I wish you the best.
dp, I can relate to your reluctance to fully engage with recovery. In a strange way it is easier to just muddle through with the sme old same old. It took me until i was 40 and having lived the same miserable existence as yourself for about 20 yrs before I got to Alanon. I had heard of Alanon, I knew where it took place but I thought it was about helping him in some way and I was full of bitterness, resentment and so I dismissed it altogether. There was no way I was going to find out how to help him, no way. My life consisted of begging, pleading, threatening blackmailing him to stop drinking and ruining our lives then he would, then I would begin to feel better, trust would build then Bang he drank again and I would feel shocked, let down, rejected and all the rest. Then the whole thing would start all over again. Jerry said madness is when you keep doing the same things over and over expecting different results. Believe me this can go on for your whole life if your not careful. It truly is a merrygoround and it is very difficult to get off. It wasnt until I surrendered completely, I put my hands up and said I give in. I was deep in self pity and depression and denial was my middle name. I had no strength left so I was taking to my bed and hiding from the world on a regular basis. I felt i was reaching my breaking point and that maybe soon I would be completely mad. When I got to Alanon I knew right away this was the place to be. It felt like the best place in the whole world and I felt as if it was waiting on me to get there. I felt like I belonged. It is scary walking into a room full of strange people especially when your confidence and self esteem are non existent. What I heard there sounded like it was all about me, my life and my feelings. The people there have lived my life and yours, there is no judgement or dissapproval only compassion and care. I was introduced to literature that is like the advice of caring and loving parents. There is a better place for you dp. Give yourself some loving care and affection take yourself to a meeting, go out of town if that feels better but give yourself a chance. It is like magic medicine for a broken soul. Stop skirting around the edges, go for it. Take care.x
that conversation he describes reminds me of the saying , having a conversation with an A is like attempting to nail jello to a wall.
anger, all these things, get them to react to us temporarily. its when we truly change ourselves.... they respond..... silent actions...and i have learned many other verbal suggestions from al anon. try a few meetings.. read the literature...
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
