The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, Lyne. I'm not sure what is meant by GA or CASAC. Could you help me understand those terms? Thank you.
Without knowing what GA or CASAC means, I am wondering if you know whether or not you were being controlling? What were your motives in asking her to get help with AA, OA or (?GA)? I am somebody who rebels inside when an adult - close or distant - tells me what they think I need to do to stay in relationship to them. Although that has never happened, I know myself well enough to know that I'd feel dictated to and I would say "no" whether I had thought about doing it or not. Pride seems to have something to do with that rebellion for me. If, on the other hand, somebody said to me "Look. I just can't live with you anymore because I am becoming increasingly uncomfortable with your drinking behaviors in our home." Then, I might be more willing to think about what is being said by my partner. Now, that's me. Others may not react/respond in the same way to what you put in the e-mail to your wife and her CASAC(?).
As far as being insane - well, I think our standard understanding of that word is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. I don't know if that applies in your case? Are you doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results? If so, you are a courageous person to admit it and a smart person to seek ideas for doing things differently. I do hope the relationship you really want becomes a reality for you when the time is right!
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 12th of May 2013 09:50:01 PM
So I asked my spouse to get into recovery-AA, OA, or GA-she actually qualifies for all of them. I wrote it in an email sent to her CASAC and herself. Am I still controlling? I told her it is the only way to keep the marriage, but of course the choice is her's. She has chosen OA. I have given up checking up on her, so she will either go or not. If she goes, she will start talking about recovery stuff, and if she doesn't, I'll know it. I have a knot in my neck and frequent anxiety. Everyday brings a new stressor. This is the insanity? I still want to keep the relationship after years of disappointment and disrespect. I think my brain is hard-wired to accept abuse. I will be able to start a F2F meeting in June and I'm excited about it. I think I'm going to feel like I'm "home" when I get there. Live people living my life. Amen, Lyne
I understand wanting your partner to seek recovery so that the relationship will stand a better chance. and flourish. Recovery in many program is a slow process. I have heard AA ers say it takes 5 years to get their brains back and another 5 to learn how to use them,
Alanon suggests that we can be happy regardless of the behavior of others. The tools of Meetings, Sponsor, Steps. Prayer, Living One Day at a Time focused on ourselves and with our HP we are enabled to take care of ourselves in a loving manner and in turn to be more compassionate, understanding to those about us. When our needs are being met by ourselves and HP we no longer expect others to do for us what we can do for ourselves.
Please keep taking care of you. You are on the way
grateful2b-GA is gamblers anonymous, and CASAC is certified alcohol and substance abuse counselor. I am hoping to keep my 21 yr old relationship and when my spouse drank and drove 2 months ago I just kind of hit my own limit. What if she killed someone? What if she killed a child? My suggestion is out of caring, not power struggle. I have exhausted all other attempts to steer her in a direction beneficial to her and ultimately, us. Lyne
Hi Betty-I can wait and I have patience if she gets involved in a 12 step program. If our life stays the way it is, I can't remain in the marriage. Lyne
Thanks, Lyne. I figured out the GA late last night but the other initials had me stumped. Glad to know you came to some resolution about whether or not you were being controlling when you sent the e-mail and whether or not it was insanity for you to want to continue in your relationship. Thanks on the update on how you're feeling today and what you've decided for today. Relationships are certainly fluid, aren't they? Much support coming your way as you continue to define for yourself your motives, state of mind, issues, desires and boundaries.
If you need to walk away unless she embarks on a serious recovery, then that is setting a boundary for you, not controlling. Indeed we can't control them, as all our actions make abundantly clear. It sounds as if you have laid out the truth for her and what comes next is watching what happens and making your choices accordingly. If she doesn't go into recovery and you don't end the relationship, of course, she will know that she can get around your boundaries. In my experience, they declare they'll go into recovery and solve the problem, but then they do everything they can to weasel out of it. So be prepared to watch what she does, not what she says. Wishing you the best.
