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I am giving myself daily reminders that no matter what AH says, or what he says he will do, or what he says he'll never do again, I have to stick to the June 1 date which in he words, is like a ticking time bomb. He does not want to leave, is leaving against his will, I am forcing him out of his own family etc etc
Our oldest son came home from college yesterday and I had the talk with him (I was waiting until he was done with school); last night my H says he needs to let his son know that this is not his idea, which he did today on a walk with him. My H then let me know that at any point if I change my mind, he will stop everything no matter how much money has been spent....ummmm, thanks?
All I can say is how very awful this is. It feels like I am determining the fate of our family (this has been pointed out to me). Even though I have been a participant for the last 20+ years I find myself questioning--has it been so bad? Is it possible for this to improve while we're under the same roof? Of course I am showing none of this to H...he has been on a roller coaster of anger, sadness, disbelief, rage, etc and I have been playing it cool (cold and cruel if you want the real adjectives!)
I have to give myself the chance to know what life might be like without the constant worry in the house....he has an apt very near to where we live, I have talked to 2/3 of our kids (waiting on the 6 yr old) and I know I have to follow through.
It's just very very difficult and I am thankful that so many of you understand and offer support
How do they do it? Make it sound like we have the power to determine the fate of an entire family in our hands if we'd only ___________, ________, ______________ and almost convince us that that faulty thinking is true? Do they really see us that way? If only that were true!!! We'd pick up our magic wand, wave it a few times, heal them of alcoholism, hire a maid, pay off all our bills, and spend the summer with Liam Neeson at his expense on the Riviera?
Yanksfan, you are sooooo very, very courageous and you are mindful enough of the situation that you're telling the children one by one and holding off with the 6 year old until you think it is time to tell him. You've got your head on straight and the disease is now is push back mode. I'm sure you're asking your HP for help and working you're program. If you aren't detaching perfectly, you're doing your level best to do the next right thing, not putting your head in the sand and pretending everything will all get so much easier if you just give into the disease, and reaching out for support.
Praying for strength to do your HP's will for you coming your way!!
Mine still - 2 years plus later, says I threw away a perfectly good marriage. It WAS perfectly good for him; I did all the work, he got to play the poor me card and drink because he wasn't able to find a job and drink because we were fighting and drink - well, just because he wanted to and he is a man and no woman is going to tell him what to do; its only beer for christ sake and he didn't hit me in fact "I" was the one who was abusive.....
You are not determining the fate of your family - in fact, as someone told me - you can always remarry/get back together again. You are wanting space to think and feel and breathe.
My 1st marriage was lonely; he never spent an evening without a six pack, later progressing to a six pack of 16 ozers, never really got stumbling drunk or anything but man I was lonely. My now 18 year old daughter knows very well some of the reasons why I just couldn't drink from the s*** cup anymore because she's experienced her father exactly as I did. My older daughter really doesn't have a clue, she's never really asked, we've never had the sit down talk where I could make her understand that throwing away 24 years of a sad lonely marriage that was only going to get sadder and lonelier was preferable to staying and letting myself just fade way. It was hard, giving up on the "till death do you part" thing but I've come to understand that there is more than one kind of death - the death of the dream of marriage being anything like I thought marriage SHOULD be - a partnership where both work towards making the other reasonably happy.
Its hard, I know, I suspect you are really wishing June 1st was here already so you could finally get out of limbo.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
It must be hard but in my experience the end was decided not by me or you but they're decision to not get recovery. No one chooses to split on a whim, no-one really wants to be a single parent and alone. That is not the easy option, it's hard but it's healthier. Don't let him manipulate you.x
thank you all for your support; it is so so helpful to hear. It's true, part of me wishes today were June 1st and we were getting on with it already. I do have to remind myself that the manipulative stuff is the disease talking and I know deep down what I have to do...
thanks so much for the care, it's especially helpful to hear from you who have lived through this
Of course him playing the pity card with your children is very childish. Alcoholics have a great way of making everything bad become everyone else's fault - meanwhile just about everything else is about them and focused on them. What he doesn't realize when he's going around saying how this was not his idea and it's not what he wanted - He is also telling everyone that it's him that didn't get help and it's him that forced you in to this position by refusing recovery for so long. He might as well be saying to your son "I wanted to stay with your mom and keep putting her through hell with my drinking forever! I can't believe she is acting like this and tearing our family apart!" Um...yah. Right.
Your son knows the deal. You know the deal. God knows the deal. Stay positive.
If his actions are causing continued chaos and upset, you have the right to say what is so for you and tell him, as a result of his behaviors, he has to leave now. You don't need to suffer any longer. When these situations arise for me, I take my inventory and ask myself "what am I getting out of this?" There is usually a huge payoff for me...I get to be a martyr, people pleaser, points for heaven, whatever, but it is not about other people, it is about me. This is tough work but so worth it if we can really see the truth about US.
I'm sure you will still have dealings with him but the peace within the home will be a lifesaver. I couldn't even think what it would be like having my son in my home. This disease is so crazy it's just nice to leave it with a phone call..
Prayers for you
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
