The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is was a phase, he'd grow out of it sooner if not in your home. It is unlikely that the degree he is doing drugs and drinking is a "recreational" thing and that is because his father is a full blown addict right? He has the genetics though he does not acknowledge it probably.
If he is that much in to being drunk and he's not even 21....well....Imagine him in less than a year when he can legally go to clubs. You are rationalizing and only paying attention to other young people like your son. Yes, you might see them "partying" and having a few drings or going to singles clubs but they don't get trashed and go home and bust up their mom's houses.
Keep praying and stay grounded LC. You are dong the right thing. Some part of him must acknowledge he has no right living with you at 20 years old. He can figure out how to take care of himself. It's probably the best way for him to learn.
**And I wanted to add - Consider this: Some of your hardest, worst, most difficult, and traumatic times involve having to suffer and deal with your ex-AH's addiction/alcoholism right? Your son is grown. He saw that though and knows what you went through. He should have enough compassion and insight to not have to put you through it again and to also realize it's just too traumatic to have that level of drugs and/or alcohol around you. It is your home. You do have the right to live in it without drunk people coming around all the time. Been there done that too many times right? That is your right and there do not need to be exceptions. If you relaxed your boundaries again for him, he'd have even more ammends to make later when he does sober up.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 12th of May 2013 12:28:12 PM
That sounds just a bit like a "moral" question el-cee...the difference between right and wrong and addiction isn't a moral delemia I was taught...it is a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual disease. If it is a situational question, for me, the solution to the question is "how do I want this to come out for me"? He has choices, however driven and so do I which are driven by the consequences I seek. Morals do intertwine in my behaviors as well as what my motives (spirit) and my emotions. My emotions often attempt to trigger and direct my reactions and it has often been my reactions rather than my responses that have gotten me to make the wrong choice. Sometimes it is because I take on the reactive compassion of the event, "she must be feeling soooo bad" and then jump in only to learn that the compassion was mis-directed...led her away from responsibility for self and into dependent upon my saving her.
Al-Anon taught me patience and proper perspective...the "when in doubt don't" and the "don't react" and applying the presence of my Higher Power during the letting go process. I am not God!!....period. I am doing the right thing when I let God have it first and then asking..."If you see that there is anything here that I can do...let me know now or I'll continue to let you have him/her/it". That is the next best thing and the right thing for me.
Very often, I did with and for my alcoholic/addict wife and son and others, using what I thought were the right intentions and compassion, only to have the outcome be as far away from the consequences I sought. This then is the definition of enabling.
The 4th step ask for a "moral" inventory of what I do...the good and the bad morally. The inventory for me and how I conduct myself when it comes to dealing with the consequences of someone elses addictive choices is another story with a different moral.
(((((hugs)))))
You're not wrong...you're feeling love and compassion...asking for feedback and prayers; support, is doing the right thing. Admitting you are powerless....first half of the first step.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 12th of May 2013 12:54:02 PM
This is the most difficult road to travel. Your motives for your actions are based on love and compassion for your son. As long as that is so, trust the process. You can help him and yourself by praying and trusting HP that the best will unfold for your family.
You and your entire family are in my thoughts.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 12th of May 2013 01:34:06 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 12th of May 2013 05:07:59 PM
My faith and hope is waning a bit. My son, 20, who is currently homeless has not been in touch for a few days and my doubts are creeping in. I wont let him stay with me for a few reasons that right now in my mind I keep countering with doubts.
1. He abuses drink and drugs - so does most young people where I live. How do I know he has a problem? Are my expectations distorted? I am his Mother if I cant be there for him then who has he got? He might grow out of it and my actions are over the top.
2. He can be aggressive and violent when drunk - maybe there is a way to handle him that doesnt involve kicking him out.
Have I explored all alternatives? How do I know that he is now on an even bigger spiral downwards. What if this has made things even worse and my family is due for even bigger repercussions? He is spending his time with people who have very little hope and who also abuse drink and drugs. What if he was only going through a phase that he would have grown out of soon?
Please pray for my son and any wisdom would be gratefully recieved, tell me if you think Im wrong here. Thanks for listening.x
I know what your going through right now. I hadn't heard a thing from my son in over a month then just a few days ago he did contact his father about needing help. Now I know he's still alive. You can't continue to do the "what if's" ...is he still alive....is he hurt...what is he doing.
I have come to a point now in my recovery if something does happen, I will find out. That's all I can hope for. To sit and continue to worry about it and not able to fix it only continues to keep me in crisis. My health, my mind and my peace is GONE.
Tell yourself....can I do something about it and then it will be all over? He will be OK? Can I go find him....take him home for a few days and get him well again? What will he do one week, two weeks from now? OH I can just make sure he has food or a place to sleep...that's the least his MOM can do. Guess what...if he can't realize he needs food and a place to sleep...nothing I do is only temporary.
What's going to happen is going to happen IF is happens and there is nothing you or I can do about it. If or when they call, we give them our heart felt love that they will find recovery somewhere somehow in hopes they are at their bottom this time.
((( hugs ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Sometimes, doing the most loving thing we can do - setting boundaries, sticking by them, and saying "no" to many requests we receive for money, a place to stay, 2:00 a.m. drunk/drugged calls "to listen to me," rides that seem to lead us into neighborhoods that get more and more rundown, feels wrong because of the anxiety and the fear we experience about what will happen if we don't rescue our kids. My son also behaved violently when drunk - enough to scare me into seeing that I couldn't live with him, couldn't help him, couldn't save him. He was usually violent when I told him "no," about things like money or using my car. Being drunk wasn't an excuse for me when it came to his behavior and being his mother wasn't a reason for me to live in my own home trying to figure out how to avoid his dangerous behavior whenever he didn't like the word "no" or wanted me to be or do something I couldn't be or do - an enabler and a co-conspirator in his continued use of drugs and drink. So, I did the most loving thing for myself. I said "no" to his living with me. I felt awful about that choice, but I came to see that his continued use of drugs and drink had put me in a position that required me to say "yes" to taking loving care of myself first and "no" to letting him live with me and continue his lifestyle that was dangerous not only for him, but for me.
I understand the anguish you are facing in this dilemma. I've been there several times in the past 12 years with my son. I wish I could say this will get easier for you, but I can't. What I can say is that love for your son can't be gauged by anyone but you and the fact that you are wrestling with this issue now tells me that no mother who doesn't love their child would even bother seeking help at this board. I will be praying for you, your son and the rest of your family. To me, being a mother with a child who has the disease is the longest and most challenging roller coaster ride many of us will ever experience in our lifetime.
What is the right thing? I lived for many years with a husband addicted to alcohol and drugs. Eventually he died from addiction. I now have a daughter who is addicted to drugs. She is 23, she still lives with me. She however has a almost 5 year old daughter. If I throw her out what happens to my grandchild? What happens to my daughter? Like you I am at wits end. However, I have learned a few things along the way. Let God and Let Go comes to mind. There is no wrong or right way to handle the situation. We just have to pray that they realize they have a problem before it is too late. My prayers are with you. Always remember where there is life there is hope.
Thank you so much for your views. It means so much to me that you understand and don't judge me. It just goes against your maternal instincts to provide and protect but I do think I'm being a good mother, sometimes the doubts creep in. Thank you, I feel like I've got friends here.x
You're welcome. None of us signed up for this movie, but I guessed we paid the ticket to see it when we said yes to marriage and having children.
I don't know about you, but I would love to write the script for my kids. I've had to learn that I simply can't know what is best for them - not as adults. I think about people like Oprah Winfrey whose lives were not a walk in the park and all the good they do today for others. Whose to say that what our children are experiencing now isn't preparing them to be of service in the world that is a much better plan than ours might be for them? I still wrestle with hard choices that seem to go against the grain of my own "mother heart" like you are now. It helps me to remember how little my Mom helped me when I divorced my then AH and needed to raise two little ones on my own. Although I didn't see this back then (I was 30), I now realize that her not helping was like a vote of confidence in my favor. I don't think I would have worked as hard as I did on myself, my life and my kids' life if she had helped me.
You don't know how good it is to hear that grateful. I have been thinking along those lines but now and again I lose confidence and think what if I've got it all wrong.x
You know you sit here and think about it. My dad didn't do a thing when I walked out of the house at the age of 16 and was living here and there until I met my son's father.
I made it ....had some really bad times living out there but I made it though. I didn't like my dad much for not being there for me but I guess it was his only way letting go and let God take care of me.
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
If you are affected by his drinking, then it is a problem, FOR YOU. Regardless of the degree.
I can't speak as a mother who feels her son needs them. However I can speak from the point of view of a son that needed his mother for support. Due to the nature of my mother's illness (schizophrenia) her emotional ties to those close to her have been shut-off. I was 16 when she came down with it so it was a time in my life when I needed her most. I couldn't turn to her for anything, rely on her for anything, ask her for any help. Nor could I my alcoholic father. His emotional and financial resources were tied into those that could help him drink and give him reason to drink.
Was it scary? Yes. Very. I will never wish that fear on anyone and carrying that around was absolute hell. What did I do? I figured it out. Because all I had was me. I needed to rely on me because noone else was going to help me.
What does this have to do with you? Your son will figure it out. He may need to couch surf or be homeless for a bit for him to realize how much this is affecting him and you. The difference is he has the option of your love,help and support. He has made a choice that he wants to figure it out for himself. You'll have to let him.
I do want to help. I fantasize about him taking responsibility for himsel and me being part of his life working with him to make a good life. He's got a lot of his dad in him but he's got me too. Hotrod says as long as my motives are good but I get mixed up and think what if my motives are selfish and I'm not giving unconditional love. To be honest I'm so hard on myself. I'm going to take on all you guys views on this and go with it, stick to my word, tell him I love him and ask my hp to look after him. Thank you.x
