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LOL .. I don't know why .. it's so funny or ironic in a not funny ha ha kind of way, .. the need for self validation when I keep looking for it outside. I want other people to tell me I'm ok .. when .. I go back to it's none of my business what other people think of me. If I want validation I gotta seek it out inside me, through my higher power (whom I choose to call God), .. it just can't come from an outside source. People pleasing .. approval seeking .. all of that is looking for validation outside instead of inside.
This past week I have been blessed by people in my life and reminded .. that I'm not my STBAX's higher power. it's funny because I keep saying the same thing over and over again knowing that it's what I need to hear. It's probably selfish because it's more for me than the other person. Kind of like you gotta give it away to keep it. I hear the words coming out of my mouth or even typing here and think .. oh crap .. LOL .. I guess I better realign my thinking.
I listened to a very dear friend go on and on (which I am SOOOOO guilty of .. LOL .. and I laugh at myself no one else) about what she could bring to the man in her life if he would only see. I finally looked and said .. honey, .. I hear what you want to give to him .. I have yet to hear you say what he's giving to you or wants to give to you. I was struck stupefied by that statement because .. once again .. I am reminded .. what do I get out of my current situation and honestly I'm not talking about the STBAX. I'm just talking about my circumstances. What do I get out of the divorce remaining stagnate. What do I get out of staying in the house cooped up? What do I get out of staying stuck because it's easier to do that than make a decision. After all no decision is still a decision.
STBAX .. oh boy .. he's headed for another fall and I'm trying to shelter the kids the best I can .. he can fall .. good grief please .. take a swan dive off the nearest 3 story building .. please .. leave us out of it. I'm soooo sad for him. The handwriting is so on the wall and as I read it .. I know there is nothing I can do to stop it. It's not even in permanent ink .. it's written and only he has the power to erase it. He doesn't know he even has the bottle of magic water to do it.
Someone said something in the meeting this weekend that just really got to me .. they said I have to stop holding myself hostage to the past. Boy do I get that, .. I also know .. I can't just say well that's in the past .. because I can't shut the door on the past .. I can't live there either. I can only live now and stop making the same decisions that I have in the past.
Anyway .. self validation .. what a lesson and a gift. Again .. I just keep selling myself that tired old story .. if STBAX would only love me then I'm not really broken. I may be bent .. I'm not broken .. I haven't given up hope for myself and the kids. I just have to really focus on my own validation and self worth .. I LOVE the fact I keep taking little baby steps towards that self validation .. and doing things that make me feel good about me. As simple as today treating myself to my favorite (and not to offend, it's truly my own personal addiction) crack coffee (i.e. Starbucks), waiting for my children to come home. It's a day of just having fun later and work this AM.
Tomorrow I will be making sure that I get everything I need together and it's another day in the yard .. my poor yard looks like it's literally a jungle!! I need a mower to be running sooner than later. I've got more help coming and that is a good thing!!
Hugs P :)
Happy Mother's Day!!!
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You are doing a great job. Your program is solid and you are growing daily I found that making an asset and gratitude list each day really helps my sponsees and myself to sincerely "come to believe" that there is greatness inside and all we have to do is let go of the negative tools that we have have been using
Some of your assets that I have seen are: You are a great writer, you have a wonderful sense of humor, you are a great mom, friend, have compassion and a big heart Now you add to that list
Happy Mother's Day (((pushka)) You sound so serene. Congratulations on the progress you're feeling. You've earned it. Enjoy your day in the garden! :) T
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Very wise words and self discovery, Pushka. You're moving along and that's what's important and when you're stuck, you're recognizing and that's half the battle. When you see that you're doing things that aren't productive and you make changes, that's a huge positive in our lives, right? I do hope you have a restful Mother's Day. I swear I don't know how to take a day off, LOL. My son just revealed to me that he has to do a presentation for his writing class tomorrow. He's had a week to work on it and all of a sudden, "Oh, mom, I forgot to tell you......" ARRGGHHH!! Anyway, because of his ADHD I usually have to help him get started and get organized, then I can leave him to do the rest of the work himself.
You are awesome my sister! You have been through so much and you keep coming out on top, your awareness is great and your program is on track. Keep up the great work! Sending you love and support always!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
In so many ways the relationship with the now ex A was a real turning point for me. I had felt so incredibly alone for so many years. I ached with loneliness.
I put up with his shenangians because I had such a fear of abandonment and being alone and feeling like a failure. I no longer have that issue but I did for such a long long time and it was so hard to work through.
I really think my longing for the now ex A to love me, treasure me and cherish me was so hooked in my childhood. I didn't get loved, cherished or even "known" there. The grief for me was unendurable for so long. The anger and rage at different issues that came up about my childhood were also really difficult to work through despite years of therapy.
I got to a place of acceptance about not having a mother or father and really not having siblings. My two sisters are so tied up in alcoholism they live in a world of denial and pointing fingers (they would love to point them at me but since I am not there they can't). I think that was such a herculean task for me. Somehow all that upheaval and devastation with the ex A got all those emotions out of me and made me willing to invest in myself.
