The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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This is my first mother's day since my mom's death. It's been a half year now and this week Im going to her house to gather memories and things and say good-bye to my childhood home.
My brother has been distant for many years and I've missed him. My mother gave him authority to settle her estate. I'm pretty certain he's a functioning active alcoholic. I questioned something related to the estate and got my head chewed off. I told my brother that I am mom's child too and have a right to ask any questions I feel I need to. His answer? ... and I don't have to answer them if I don't want to. I'll make sure you know everything you need to know. I know what he tells me. He seems to have handled the business end of things appropriately but he's extremely controlling. Truthfully, as my mother's final wishes go, things don't look amiss and I rather see this through peacefully to the end and keep moving forward in the grief process and my day to day life. I live in another state now and am adopting healthier behaviors in recovery. I don't need to show up for every fight I'm invited to. I choose not to engage.
He called me yesterday to update me but the first thing he told me was that he was going to busy all week when I arrive there with my bf. I realize that when I go to my mom's house it will be the last time in that house but I also know there will be no reason to fly there again unless it was to see my brother. I thought he would at least see me but it looks like he has preplanned not seeing me again in person so I suppose the next time will be one of our funerals. So this is the end of the line. Makes me wonder why he baited me with that holiday card at the end of last year that read how lucky he is to have a sister like me. Guilt? A kneejerk reaction to my mom's death? Who knows. Who cares. (just me) F it! So ... I said to him on the phone that bf and I were hoping to see him and maybe have dinner together while we're there. He told me he might have a little time between jobs to stop by for a short time and gave me a specific hour but no real commitment. He has quite a bit of flexibility in his work so this is not the issue. The issue is that he's throwing me a small crumb to relieve his conscience instead of wanting to see his only sister. I really am not sure if I'll still be in transit at that hour so if I miss that window, I miss my brother. Also he didn't commit to it. My program has taught me to go forward with my own plans and not wait for him. So I'm going to be true to myself and if it works out it works out and if it doesn't and he doesn't care to find another time to see me, bf and I will close the house door one last time, take a picture and begin our roadtrip with what I've gathered there and I know my mom will be with me in spirit. I'll know at least I tried my best to reach my brother. If he has a change of heart I can be pleasantly surprised but no expectations. You know the deal, if nothing changes, nothing changes. And really... likely I'd have to remember that hug I give him and carry it with me for the rest of our lives. Alcoholism.
I'm trying to separate out the good parts of this journey through grief. I get to see the house one last time and I get to show bf places back home on the roadtrip that he's never experienced. He's sober and working a program a long time now. I get some time off from work and the crazy goings on due to downsizing. I can let my hair down and let go for awhile on the road with a map but no scheduled stops after my mom's house. We can stop when we're tired and rest awhile and maybe visit some places I've been and discover new ones together. It'll be good to come back home too... my home. I can upack my treasures, my memories from an very emotional journey. I'll be grateful I'm sure. I feel it now just too many tears right now though. Ahhhh.... odaat, right? Thanks for letting me share with you. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 12th of May 2013 09:24:12 AM
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 12th of May 2013 09:31:06 AM
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Hello. I've been through some of what you are experiencing, too - only with 8 out of 9 siblings. I know how much it can all hurt - the loss of a parent and the loss of a relationship to a sibling you once held dear. Although we can make friends with other people - some we'll feel closer to than our own siblings - those people cannot take the place of our siblings who were a big part of our major formative years, can they? I'm not going to throw out a slogan, step, pithy saying right now. I just want you to know that you are not alone in your missing your Mom and desire to be closer to your brother. It hurts to let go of our loved ones. It hurts to let go of some of our hopes and desires. It helps to know there are others going through similar experiences who care that it hurts. Much peace, comfort and care is being sent your way today with prayers for a nice surprise for you, too.
