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Thank God I have a place like this to come to and vent. I do much better writing than expressing my feelings verbally and here I know it's safe and others understand. So since my AH was selfish enough to throw away 5 months of being sober because he doesn't like the thoughts that go on in his head without drinking it really makes me want to become an enraged person and hurt every single being that comes in my way. No not physically hurt people, but just frustrated within myself so it projects on everything else. Today is Mother's Day. I day I thought we as a family could enjoy together. Now my AH will probably want to do everything in a hurry so he can get home and be a closet drinker. All I know is even though it is Mother's Day, it really could have happened on any other day. I will enjoy it to the best of my ability. I do know those little one line zingers come out of my mouth faster than a speeding bullet and my body language says, " You selfish son of B...I hate your actions" but I am going to try to keep them to my self, because we all know how the A loves to fight back. Today I will pray for strength and the wisdom to show me how to behave and react, not jump the gun and go to automatic depression because of someones actions. I must own my own life and think before I act so the ripples in the water do not become a tsunami. I pray for that light bulb of a moment to come to me and realize, yes, that's what needs to be done. Just going to take moment by moment. I allready have had a good morning. AH still sleeping, 1 kid awake who gave me a Mother's Day hug and a cup of my favorite coffee and some alone time on the computer. Maybe if I pass the next level in my candy crush game that would be awesome. Anyway, I don't need to be a monster today. I will love myself enough to know right from wrong and enjoy as much time as I can with my family. If I can accomplish that today, I think it's pretty successful.
First off BIG GIANT HUGS!!! Happy Mother's Day to you as well. I'm glad you are going to keep on your side of the street and know what you can and can't control.
Something I want to share and Pink probably says it better than I can, is that even though it seems like it .. your AH is not choosing alcohol over you and the kids. It sure seems that way and I soooo understand.
The best way I have ever heard someone describe their own battle with alcoholism is imagine there is the most annoying sound in your head whatever that sound is and is never goes away while you are sober. It's always there .. on the outside everything looks fine. I used to look at myself in the mirror and think .. if I look ok on the outside no one else would know what is going on inside my head. No one else has ever felt this way before. Then I discovered that if I drank and I got to this one point .. that horrible sound and vibration in my head would stop .. it didn't stop for me for 45 min, 2 hours, 30 min, .. it was 8 glorious minutes .. that was it .. for 8 min I could feel what I thought was "normal". I went to meetings for a long time with this still going through my head still .. someone at a meeting would ask me .. so how are you? My answer ... I'm fine, everything is great. No, .. everything wasn't fine and everything wasn't great .. I wasn't ready to admit what was going on inside my head because no one ever felt like I did.
I've left a lot out of that story however for me that part of the story is what stuck out in my mind because I can't imagine walking around like that and the only relief I could get was to drink it out of me .. and that wasn't even a long term solution that only for that 8 min that they actually felt relief. Their bottom goes on ..
I found out that I could drink Listerine and find some relief. Of course I wasn't going to drink it everyday one or twice a week. By the end of the first week I was drinking 2 gallons of Listerine about ever 2 - 3 days. This person wound up wrecking their car and looking at themselves in the rear view mirror .. wondering if they would be eating shoe polish sandwiches. A shoe polish sandwich .. I about can't even write about it .. it's what the hobo's used to use to eat to get the alcohol out of it .. I forget the type however it's what is in Listerine as well.
The point is .. your AH is not at his bottom. I'm certainly not going to tell you NOT to feel all of those rage feelings you have going on .. they need to come out so I am very glad you are here and very glad you shared. It is HARD to be living with an active A and not feel that the disease is a very personal attack on a persons very existence. It feels all so very personal .. from the fact it destroys marriages, dreams, families, children, husbands, wives, daughters, .. it is powerful, cunning and baffling. I STILL have trouble seeing my STBAX as another child of God from time to time. The man doesn't live with me and it's still hard.
I know from experiencing .. remaining focused on him and his drinking is not going to move you forward in your own healing. I hope you are or can find meetings in your area .. if you don't have a sponsor .. get one. Find a way to get into your CAL so you can teach your children how to cope with the disease of alcoholism. It's not going to be perfect .. the God of my understanding didn't design me that way. I'm suppose to fall down so I can get back up and grow from the experience.
I am truly empathic to your pain and frustration. It is completely normal to feel let down, forgotten about, pushed aside and hurt. I am soooo glad you are here and I hope you will keep coming back.
Hugs to you my sister in this program to get better and teach our children differently, .. hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
If he was wanting to recover. He'd wake up. Apologize. Call his sponsor. Go to a meeting and pick up a white chip.
I don't know what your boundaries are surrounding his needing to work a recovery program of if you have detached from that also. Only saying this because it helps to stay educated about alcoholism. You can be angry about his drinking because that's the behavior that is most disruptive, disappointing, and dangerous when it comes to his disease. But the relapse is really mostly due to failure to work a consistent and stringent program.
I have seen this with other couples but I don't know if you guys are there...or if he's there: A relapse occurs - The couple is able to talk about how this is unfortunate and disappointing and the A doesn't want it but that he slipped. Give him a hug and tell him to get back into his program, call his sponsor and to just not quit. Then he actually does that...
For me, and from what I know of alcoholism and addiction....my boundary would be that if the person quits working recovery, I would quit being with them. It's not the actual drinking so much as the lack of a program and trying to white knuckle it. Knowing what I do, I wouldn't be able to stick around and be a part of that. If he'd been regularly going to meetings and having a sponsor, he would have other coping skills to deal with what we call the "sh#tty committee" in our heads...the annoying thoughts that we used to drink to silence. Since there is not a strong program, the coping skills are not there.
A relapse would be easier to take and forgive if the person would delve right back into the program. If they were not strongly in the program to begin with...Well then they were not really sober anyhow. They were just dry. It sometimes helps to detach more to know that AA works - your nagging, wishing, wanting, being angry...that does not. As long as he consistently keeps going back to AA, he will get it eventually. Problem is people give up or never go. I feel more discouraged and angered by folks continuing to think they can outwit their own alcoholism and avoid doing the work of recovery. That delusional thinking, willfullness and stubborness is the worst part for me - not even the actual drinking.
I'm wishing you a wonderful mother's day because you deserve it!!! Try not to waste time thinking about his drinking. That's really just a symptom of his larger disease and reluctance to surrender to a recovery program. That ego deflating process has to evolve and it will either happen or not. You can continue to take positive action for you and your kids regardless and it sounds like you are doing pretty well in that regard.
Happy Mothers Day to you. I hope you make it a great day for yourself. It's sounds like you're making the choice not to give your power away. Sweet kid you've got! :) Hope you'll be able to stay true to yourself all day and just let A sit in his puddle of misery. This is your day. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
1976; thanks for this share. I am sorry you are going through this, but I understand the anger, frustration. You are doing great, it helps me to read your positive and honest post.
Pinkchip - thank you for your input. I think my AH is doing the whiteknuckle-ing, no sponsor, no open discusion....it helps to have your insight. An excellent reminder for me to focus on me.
