The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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TODAY I found a letter and some paperwork from when my AH was in rehab for 30 days (a few years ago) - He was talking about how I was right to separate from him, how he was angry with himself, how he needed to change, and how he wanted to grow old together.
What a struggle this was for me! At the exact moment when I was already feeling challenged. It has been 3 months since I filed for divorce. Please, God, give me strength, courage and clarity. I have been brought here by following what I believe to be your will. Now I hurt, grieve, fear, and second guess.
I have left, and gone back twice before. Even after he became physical, and I called the police. I actually went back, apologizing, and let him try to convince me that he sometimes makes mistakes, but I have a systemic problem.
This is a sensitive and crucial time.
Prayers, please.
__________________
"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
Take care of yourself. The years since that letter was written show that his addiction and the bad choices have taken over, not the thoughts behind the letter. Remember that nothing changes if nothing changes! And it sounds as if you're the one who has the changes that are needed clear in her sights.
I remember all the times I chickened out of leaving my ex. By the time I actually did it -- because things were beyond intolerable -- I thought, "If I had only followed through one of the first times I tried to do this, I'd be long through this and way out the other side by now!"
Sending you love and support, .. please remember that 3 weeks of good behavior doesn't erase all of the years of bad. I'm not saying hold him hostage over bad behavior .. I'm saying .. if you are meant to be as a couple .. the God of your understanding is going to make that happen .. it doesn't have to be today. You aren't required to make a decision today. I go back to my saying of Show Me the Recovery. Listen with your eyes and let his behavior show you how much has changed. 3 weeks, 3 months, .. that doesn't come close to doing years of emotional, mental and physical abuse .. there is a LONG road ahead .. you can always get remarried .. going through with the divorce protects YOU and your little girl. You are showing her right now how a man should treat a woman. We model for our children from the time they are born to the time we pass on .. and I have had to ask myself some tough questions about what kind of relationships I want my children to see growing up. Every relationship has up's and down's that is normal .. it is NOT healthy to get stuck in a pattern of drama and abuse.
Keep taking care of yourself, know your HP has got your back. Also .. lists .. list out the past 12 months of living with your AH pro's and con's .. sometimes it helps me bring myself back into reality of NOOO .. that wasn't ok .. and I didn't like how I felt about myself during that time. I have started seeing .. it's not my STBAX that I miss or even love. Honestly .. I miss the idea of a relationship and not having to make hard decisions. Then I remember I was doing that anyway and a lot more miserable. Fear of the unknown is a pretty powerful feeling .. I get to choose if it runs my life or if I walk through the fire to the other side.
If this man really has changed .. he can and will wait for you to decide what YOU want to do.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
It sounds like you miss the "idea" of growing old with someone and having a true partner. The boundaries you are now setting and sticking too will be what makes you stronger and more compatible with someone that actually could fulfil that role in the future. It would seem that evidence is leaning heavy on it not being your AH.
My ex-A also spent a lot of time trying to weaken me and convince me my family was evil and that I had other issues that would make everything my fault or at least not his fault.
Now being free from him and that BS - I laugh. Basically, it's a dysfunctional trainwreck of a person making a potshot psychological evaluation of you. You have a violent alcoholic trying to tell you that you "have a systemic problem?' We have a name for that defense mechanism in the field of psychology and it's called PROJECTION. He is the one with the systemic problem.
For you....A systemic problem? If anything, the only systemic problem I could see is the exact reason you've been going to alanon. For me, my largest problem was codependency. It was never anything he said it was. It wasn't even him per say. It was that I wanted it to work out when it never was. That I wouldn't accept the relationship wasn't healthy and that I kept with him despite the obvious evidence that it was not a good relationship. That was my systemic problem in a nutshell.
You've gotten some great ESH here, take care of you today and Happy Mother's Day to you, too. I have heard the same words from my AH many times over and I truly believe that he means them. The disease, though, doesn't care what his good intentions are or what his heart feels. The disease is in control and until he accepts that and makes real positive change all the words in the world won't mean a thing. It's a sad truth, but I always have hope. Like others have said here: you can always remarry but, for now, you need to protect yourself and your child.
I divorced my AH years ago. Even after the divorce the abuse continued. This was before so many laws were in place to almost protect domestic assault victims. What changed things for me was my own self-confidence. We both travelled together with my son to an appointment he had. My husband threatened to hit my son who was 15 at the time. I told the X - you do that and I will be the first to get to the phone to file charges against you. He raised his hand to hit me. I told him the same thing.
As an abused spouse, I can tell you - there is NO WAY he isn't going to return to the behavior that helped you decide to move on. No one can tell you what to do or not do in this situation since this is your life and you know the insides of your life better than anybody. But, until you know yourself to be a woman who deserves better than what this man dishes out - nothing will change for you. As far as the letter you found, he could have written it during the remorse cycle of his disease.
Again, I don't know you or enough of your story to advise you, but from what I've read here - it does sound as if he's been abusive towards you and my red flags are blowing in the wind with concern for you and for your child.
The one piece I was just sitting here thinking about is how crazy it is to go from feeling "this is absolutely what I need to do" and seeing the reasons why, to "he probably doesn't even want me" and forgetting any of the reasons I am leaving him.
Yes - my "invisible systemic issue" is codependency - exactly as outlined below with some great ESH! I am addicted to an illusion (mixed with some good qualities and some good times) - the illusion of my AH as an emotionally functional being who is capable of giving and receiving love. I have faults and flaws, I know - I am stubborn, emotional, irritable, needy and insecure. However - character defects don't justify abuse, in any form.
I really, really want to love myself, and believe I am deserving of more. Thank you for helping me along on my journey.
__________________
"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
