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Hello. I need some feedback/E/S/H inre familial estrangement. Have or do any of the posters discovered themselves alienated from siblings (heavy drinkers) after the death or severe illness of a parent? About 5 years ago, my Dad(the remaining parent to my 9 siblings and me) suffered a stroke which required his affairs be handled by a family member who my Dad had told me was me and the brother after me, but I learned was actually the 9th child in our birth order. Since my Dad had not told that brother what he had told me and since that brother had actually created a will and power of attorney papers using some kind of software unknown to me, I asked a question in innocence - concerned that should my Dad require end of life heroics - I didn't have any documentation to support what he wanted. Since none of the family knew what my Dad had told me and the younger ones had been told my younger brother would handle everything, all hell broke loose towards me. Later, my Dad admitted to the younger siblings that he had told me that and admitted to me that he made a mistake in not telling me that Mom had chosen the younger one and he agreed with Mom.
Although that hurt - that Dad had lied to me - and caused trouble for me by not telling the younger siblings - I figured it was my parents' right to do what they wanted with their stuff and their family. I lived in another State - my younger brother in their State = and he had handled the paperwork at Mom's request when she was dying of cancer. I figured once Dad told everyone the truth, they'd see that I had only been looking out for Dad's best interest based on what he had told me and my concern that I had no legal papers to back up Dad's end of life desires if we reached that point after his initial stroke.
Since that time, however, my brother has called me names, put me down, yelled at me and carried on in ways that never make sense to me. My sisters (2) have been anything but mean and until this time - I had thought we were all close friends until I learned how much venom they held towards me for as what my one sister said was due not because of what I did or didn't do, but what I expected - "to be loved."
Next week, my sister's daughter and my niece is to be married. Everyone in my family, including my aunts and uncles, were invited. My children and I were not. Had I done anything that merited any of this treatment, then I'd feel sad about it but also I could understand it. I don't. I can say that I'm primarily rejected and mistreated by the younger 5 - all who drink. I don't drink although I have not done anything to interfere with theirs other than to refuse to purchase alcohol when my sister has visited. She buys her own. Has anyone ever experienced this?
In my experience this frequently happens in families, even with no one in the family drinks. The prospect of a parent's death, and the questions of how that parent should be cared for while alive, and who the inheritance goes to and who manages the estate, all cause ruptures. I have seen it time and time again. Even in families who look pretty healthy. I used to joke that when my mother was in her final illness, I didn't have anyone to stop speaking to (being an only child), so I had to stop speaking to myself.
In my experience, the only way to get through these things is to cultivate your own serenity and be determined not to hold grudges or decide what's "fair." Undoubtedly others will behave badly anyway. But you'll have done your half. I'm so sorry this is happening.
Thank you so much, Mattie. I keep trying to tell myself I'll be just fine, but wake up crying sometimes. I'm just so surprised by everyone's behavior at such a difficult time for all of us - most especially my Dad. Emotionally, I'm devastated by all this and embarrassed, too. Nothing like being the only family member not invited to your own sister's child's wedding. I've been very sick the past several days with sinus and tooth infection with lots of pain. I can't help but think that my immunity is low because my grief is deep. The biggest hurt is the fact that my children aren't invited. They are totally innocent of doing anything wrong in this unseemly twist of human nature. My family is all they have if something happens to me and everybody needs to know they belong to somebody.
I know it is very painful that your family has ruptured in this way. But please talk to yourself and about your family lovingly as you deserve. When you say, "My family is all they have if something happens to me and everybody needs to know they belong to somebody" -- remember that people without big families are not left abandoned and adrift in the world. Many of us, from big families or small ones, find that our healthy friends become more reliable families. Your children will have spouses and partners and children of their own to whom they belong. Family dynamics shift and you may well not remain estranged for a long time, but just in case your family does not see the light, your children do not need to go through life loveless and alone. I think we all have an ideal picture of families, but it only works out that way in a minority of cases, sad as that is. Meanwhile there are many other kinds of families to have. I don't mean to seem dismissive of your sadness.
And it would be even weirder if your family invited your children to your wedding and not you. In times of stress, people like to feel angry -- it takes the sadness and fear away. It's not a good way but it happens so often. And all the little resentments get magnified into huge ones.
I hate to say it. but I can't deal with my dysfunctional family and the way they have treated me so the last few years I stay very very dettached. I deserve better and with friends around I have built my own little family of sorts and I just don't want to deal with all that comes with my family and all the isms that run through them. Sorry this is happening. Sending you much love and support.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Oh, I watched my own family fall apart like this. My mom died suddenly 10 yrs. ago. My dad, in his grief, stopped eating and didn't take care of himself. My brother checked on him every day and one morning found him laying on the floor, having had a stroke. I had to choose his nursing home. He didn't want to go, of course. He lived in the nursing home for 4 yrs. I could feel a shift in everyone's feelings over those 4 yrs. I tried to visit him every week. I had 2 brothers who visited him nearly every day. I had 2 other sisters who hardly visited him. When he died and his estate was settled, those 2 sisters accused one of my brothers of cheating them because he was the executor. I never thought we would be so dysfunctional, but we were.
I agree that your children do not need a huge extended family to have a feeling of belonging. They only need one other person that they truly trust and feel safe with. It sounds like (with 9 siblings!!!!--WOW) you are used to the chaos of big family gatherings. Being a part of a family of 5, I get it. All those cousins.....what a lot of fun. There is always someone there. But life is good with quality, and not the quantity, too.
It is important to own what is yours. And it sounds like you have. You also have to let your siblings own what is theirs....and they are not acting with love. But still not your problem. You only have to keep your side of the street clean. Use your energies with your kids.
Thanks, MaryJane, for the share. Family gatherings were normal to us - overwhelming to new in-laws who came from families of 1, 2, 3 kids.
Frankly, I think the problem has more to do with the in-laws than the siblings based on some things my brother has said. But - there's nothing I can do about it other than to feel my feelings and accept that the family I once enjoyed no longer exists. What surprises me is the focus the younger brother has on "money" and protecting Dad's "money." Too bad his focus isn't on preserving Dad's true legacy - family. All of us are grown and support ourselves. None of us need Dad's "anything," but it appears some of us think we do. The crazy thing is, the ones who are most interested in Dad's stuff are seldom there, live in huge, expensive homes and own multiple cars. But...again...none of that is my business.
Anyway, thanks for the support. I needed it and I needed some outside experiences with this kind of thing. I'm going to spend time with my Dad today and didn't want to take a daughter that is hurting from both her physical and her mental/emotional pain.
PS Mattie: I didn't miss the humor in your being an only child who stopped speaking to herself. I never got over not being the only child once all siblings came along. Given all the drama since Dad's stroke, maybe I finally got my wish? Being an only child again? My relationship to my Dad is good and after reading posters here and after the support, too, maybe that's the only thing I need now? Being an only child when it comes to being with my Dad. And...there is no fun in hanging out with people who drink and drink until they don't even remember what they said the night before. Not being invited to the wedding is a gift if I want to think about it in that way. My Dad can't go either. So...there's just the two of us again. Yippee!!! Giggle.
Thanks, Mattie. Spent time with my Dad today before the long trip back to my home. Helped him get his mail that he hadn't checked since April and in it were invitations to my other sister's youngest daughter (my niece), my niece's wedding (other sister), and one of my brother's oldest son's(nephew's) graduation. I'm glad I'd posted on the board before I went to see Dad and ended up learning there are other things I haven't been invited to, too. Wow! At first, I felt that familiar hurt that I've been living with for awhile and then I woke up to realizing that I have worked too long and too hard on myself to let the people I didn't choose who didn't choose me as sibling(s) knock me to the ground over parties that I don't need to attend and nieces and nephews who are old enough to connect with me if they chose. Just because other siblings were invited doesn't mean they'll all be going or be glad to be going. I've been wanting what I can't have and that is a precious waste of my time. Thanks for your support.
grateful: Over a year ago, I lost my dad to cancer. I found out later--recently that he was giving up long before I knew what was going on. My family kept a lot of info from me. I guess living 900 miles away had some advantages & some disadvantages. I am grateful for the inheritance I got from both of my parents' in selling their house & all the insurance money I got out of it but I would be a lot happier if I had my dad & step-mom back. Unfortunately, I have been eased out of most of my family's experiences. I have no plans in returning to my home state where most of my family live. I also am grateful that my sister & family have gotten along during the time of making decisions & fulfilling my dad's wishes. My step-mom died shortly before he did. It was a rough time for all. I don't know if any of this helps, but I felt the need to share it. I guess you can take what you like & leave the rest. Take care & be good to you first!
Thank you. I'm just glad I can spend time with my Dad. Sorry you lost your parents. You must love them very much. As far as my siblings go - I can't replace any of them or our shared history - and I'm grateful to them for all that we celebrated, endured and experienced together, but, I also know that the eldest of us have been pushed outside the circle so to speak by the youngest. Now that I've had time to think, feel and listen to others who have been through it, too, I've come to the tentative conclusion that they are unconsciously projecting those parts of themselves they have yet to accept and embrace that they don't like onto me based on things my brother has said and my sisters' too that make absolutely NO sense to me at all.
I'm the only one in the family who has been active in any 12 step program and I've done more with my life than any of them ever thought I could or would. They simply don't know what to do with me because I'm not the girl I once was and I have done everything I was told I couldn't do: Divorce. Start my own business. Own my own home. Raise my own children. Be single and be happy. I have grown beyond the system we grew up in and I'm not comfortable for them to be around. I also don't party until I'm drunk. I didn't do everything my Mom wanted me to do with my life and that is a big no-no in my family. One is seen as a traitor for going beyond our mother's expectations and limits.
When I divorced my abusive husband my mother told me nobody would want a 30 year old washed up woman with two kids in an effort to save face when it came to the imperfections of her family showing (untreated codependent). To be fair - my Mom didn't know at the time he was abusive and using drugs and later told me the best decision I could have made was to divorce him - but, she also didn't know what made me tick a lot of the time. My family pretty much puts my Mom on a pedestal and does what she wants. I just didn't do that. In some ways, they resent me for that because a few of them are doing what Mom wanted - not what they wanted. So, I guess the lesson for me about all this is that there are consequences in life and loss even when one is following their bliss.
I never got over not being the only child once all siblings came along. 
Given all the drama since Dad's stroke, maybe I finally got my wish? Being an only child again? My relationship to my Dad is good and after reading posters here and after the support, too, maybe that's the only thing I need now? Being an only child when it comes to being with my Dad. And...there is no fun in hanging out with people who drink and drink until they don't even remember what they said the night before. Not being invited to the wedding is a gift if I want to think about it in that way. My Dad can't go either. So...there's just the two of us again. Yippee!!! Giggle.