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Hi there! I know, it has been ages since my last post. A lot has transpired over the last few months. It has been a real roller coaster ride and it isn't over yet! My AH decided to sober up after being jailed in another state for public intoxication I left him there to fend for himself because in addition to the verbal/emotional abuse, he had become physically abusive toward me. I drove 400 miles back to where we live, packed what I could in my car and went to my parents' which is 300 miles away from here. So, he calls me 3 days later, begging and crying: "Just tell me what I have to do, and I WILL do it!" I told him he HAD to get help. Just quitting drinking isn't enough, he has to face his problems and be proactive. Oh, he promised the world to me... even told my parents that he would get help... blah, blah, blah.... So, my codependent and enabling self, went and picked him up. This wasn't the first time I have "left" him, it is just one of many. Each time, I think it is the last, and then I talk to him and melt. He quit drinking (this all happened about 9 weeks ago). He has also lost his job (that happened before the out of state incident). The first 2 weeks after we got home, he laid around the house and barely left or even went outside. I didn't say anything because I have researched enough to know that he was going through detox. While laying around, he has started playing video games nonstop. After 3 weeks had gone by, I began pushing for him to go to counseling, or for us to go together... He says he will, but does nothing about it. He has decided that he will go back to school while he is unemployed and on unemployment insurance. And, I have to admit, it has been nice coming home every day this week to a clean house, dinner cooked, dog taken out (and I only have to do it if I want to)... but at the same time, I feel like I am walking around with a time bomb in my pocket that could go off at any time. See, he also suffers from bi polar and I know that what he is going through now is a manic phase. He doesn't take medicine for this, he has gone to smoking pot to "calm his nerves". In the past two weeks, we have begun getting out of the house together. Going to flea markets, out to eat (at restaurants that don't serve alcohol), going hiking and playing tennis. All of these things are new for us, I would have never dreamed we would be able to play tennis together, and I am enjoying it immensely!
Now, to my dilemma: there is a BBQ festival in the town next to us and we both really want to go. Of course, what goes great with BBQ? BEER! or at least I think so, and I know my husband thinks the same. And there will be plenty of both. I know we will see people walking around with clear cups of beer and I am nervous. I am nervous because he has not gotten any help and doesn't have any tools to use to assist him in abstaining from the alcohol. It is really upsetting to me too because I know that we can't live our lives in a bubble just because he has a problem. But I am not ready for a relapse and I don't know if we can have a good time with the fear that we both will fear. I will have fear of him drinking and he will fear my wrath if he does drink .
Any advice? Should we just find something else to do?
Well, I don't have advice to give since this is your life. I do know that I don't go places that are unnecessary and uncomfortable for me. If I know I won't be able to relax, I don't put myself in a position where I'll be on edge for most of the time. It's one thing to visit the dentist even though I'm uncomfortable with the entire process. It's another to go to an optional party that includes any type of alcohol or other mind-altering substances.u Call me a party pooper, but I don't enjoy being with people who are drinking or using and they don't enjoy being with me no matter how much we're pretending we're all having a wonderful time. Smile. Maybe there is something else you can both do together that won't involve alcohol for now if you are certain this won't be a good scene for both of yoU? If he wants to go anyway - well, then - he goes and does what he'll do. If it were me, I wouldn't go with him.
Oh, the roller coaster..... we all know it well. First of all, if he is smoking pot he is not sober. He needs a doctor to prescribe the correct medicine for his psychological illness. I know he doesn't want to admit it.
I talked to an old student the other day that said he was finally diagnosed and correctly prescribed for his bipolar medicine. What a huge difference!! He was a real mess as a kid. Now he is in college getting a BA and then a MBA. So proud of him. He admits he was a handful when a kid but he also said he didn't know what was wrong until he got on the meds.
I go with my hubby anywhere. I don't worry about if there is booze or drugs there. He will either drink or he won't. If he does I know what I will do. And he knows where my boundary is too. He always says, "the first drink is $5. The second one costs me everything."
You know why you want to go to the barbeque festival. For the barbeque. Is that enough? Can you go for that and then leave? Only go for an hour? or 30 min? What is the other attractions other than the food or beer?
I talked to him earlier about my concern of being around the alcohol. He said that we have to be around it eventually and he is adamant about not drinking. I want to have faith in him and a big part of me does. So we are going.
Maryjane, I love what your husband says: "the first drink is $5. The second one costs me everything." Maybe I will try to work that into the conversation somehow.
There will be arts and crafts, music and BBQ there. I am hopeful that it will be a good time.
This sounds as if it has been a painful ride, and no wonder you have worries about what may happen in the future. I think anyone would, even apart from the BBQ.
What I notice is that you put your foot down and said that this time for you to take him back, he had to get help and be proactive. But he's sitting around the house, and smoking pot (which as mentioned is not sobriety), and not going to AA or getting help. And he sees that he has been able to get around his promises. He is already starting to push the situation with the pot. So the BBQ may go fine. But with this trajectory -- no formal recovery program, success at evading his promises -- it's a recipe for relapse. If he could give up the drinking and drugging just like that, he wouldn't be an addict. And everything you've said suggests that he is. So I'm afraid my experience with having been through something very similar far too many times is that without him actively working a program, it's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when. So it seems to me that the best possible thing you can do is to be working your own program. Because that's how we stay serene no matter what comes our way. Hugs.
My partner is not a A but still has a problem. I have found that what I want is the best way to go. Going anywhere with this man is not a good idea for me. He will most likely become bored and start his complaining which in turn makes us argue and him embarrassing both of us and everyone around us. Whether it be a BBQ, party or anything we do together...he just drives me nuts. So I have stopped doing things with him. He doesn't understand but it's the best for both of us.
Well....this might not relate to your situation but the decision you make is yours so I pray all go's well for both of you and you have a great day.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
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