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I filed this Winter. I obtained a protection order. He is fighting me on custody of our 3 year old. I am giving him back his house, and moving into a 2 bedroom apartment with my mother and child.
I am afraid - because I feel I still love him. We cannot contact each other right now, due to the protection order. I did this to stay safe, physically and emotionally. However, we may agree to drop the order soon. He says he's stopped drinking as of February, has been in counseling 3x/week (he did this last time too, and resumed drinking after 1 year of dry drunkenness). My problem - I romanticize the good times. This man, who may have a personality disorder on top of his alcoholism, likely never loved me - because he CAN'T. However, those few times a year when he seemed kinder, more loving, more respectful - perhaps they were only moments, but I keep hanging on.
I need to be able to handle it when he is with another woman (or many women) again. Please help.
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
You're getting messages which should be answered for me...what was really going on?!! I had to get those answers so that I could get into and stay in reality or else I would fall back into reaction and insanity. One thing I did find out was that Love is the opposite of fear and Fear the opposite of love...Did I love her??...I feared loosing her. Why? because I had invested so much of myself that I didn't want to loose all of me in her. I hope you're in the face to face groups cause that is soooo helpful to peace of mind and serenity. Add the literature and a great sponsor and you're on your way to peace of mind and serenity. In support ((((hugs))))
Immerse yourself in al anon (Jerry posted the info) and you will find your way to handle all that you are consumed with. Al Anon recovery will help you in all of your relationships. You will see why you attracted him into your life in the first place and can help you into not attracting an addict again and you will be a superb role model for your child.
Most people come to AA with puffed out egos and Axis II stuff going on (personality disorders). The crux of a personality disorder is that while a person has it, they believe everyone else is the problem and not them. Alcoholism is similar as well. Hence, without an AA program (or some other accountability daily), the person doesn't change in that way to become humble and really see their part. They just become crazy and "dry."
As far as him being with other women? Well - He's wounded and not relationship and no sexual escapade is going to heal him. Don't let yourself be victim to stinking thinking. He will probably try and present like he has some new girlfriend who is so much better than you.... Yah right. Blah blah blah from a sick person. That is all it is. Just pray and have complete faith that you are healing whether or not he is.
Also, you set him free not just because you couldn't deal with his antics, abusiveness, and BS.... It was becaue you really are just not the one for him. He has his own HP and it's not you. If his HP sets him on a course of womanizing and even if he were to find another mate...Well that okay cuz you never owned him anyhow and all your attempts at realing him in didn't work.
Like you I also have a mother who is a pill popper with personality disorder. It's a double whammy indeed. I can imagine how you feel - it's such mixed emotions, especially with a child involved. I think you are looking for affirmation that the decisions you are making are correct, unfortunately the only one who will know that is you. Do you and your child deserve better? Does you child need to grow up in chaos?
I did as both parents were either alcoholics or had a narcisitic personality/addictive personality disorder. It played havoc on my life and those of my siblings. Keep searching your soul and you will find peace. :)
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All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France
I can remember believing I couldn't "handle" breaking it off with a guy I had dated for 3 years, but life helped me out when it presented me with an opportunity to move to get a new job with better pay. He (who had paid very little attention to me for months) threw a fit when he learned I was moving 75 miles away using all sorts of "words" to control my choices. I asked him what he was offering me to stay? Of course there was no real answer to that question, he just wanted control of what I did and didn't do. I moved. I cried for two years. I sought counseling, 12 step work, and doing things I loved to do. Now, many years later, I can see how my choice to say "no" to accepting less that I wanted for myself and my life was one of the most critical choices I could make back then that helped me to become a woman who won't allow a sick or healthy man or woman treat me like a puppet on a string. You are a person with great value considering the fact that you are non-duplicable. If you were an expensive diamond with clarity and many facets, whose hands would you want your diamond-self to rest in?
I have also, until very recently, made bad choices based on romanticizing isolated fun/loving/good instances in an otherwise mostly fear-filled relationship. I believe I have finally become set-free from this fearful tailspin by a process over the past year of getting in touch with my HP as I understand him/her/it, going to Al-Anon meetings, reading the literature, working the steps within said fear-filled relationship, getting stronger as a result of that, seeing sense, and lastly, coming here for a daily dose of even more sense. There is usually some gem from somebody on these boards that takes me aback and reinforces all these healthy new habits and attitudes I'm learning. Without this, I would probably just conveniently forget all the progress I'd made over the past year and fall back into self-destructive, old habits. Keep working YOUR program, for YOU!
Do you have the book getting them sober? I think expectations around an alcoholic/drug addict are so key. I think being newly sober many of them go on a pink cloud and make a lot of promises. They sure know how to hook us back in. I settled for crumbs for years from many people. I settled for putting myself last. I think that was pretty compulsive. I felt he needed me. Remember who else settled for being needed? Plenty of people. We tend to beat ourselves to smitereens about did we really really try.
I think personally I did far far more than really really try. I was obsessed with him and trying to get him to meet my needs. I tried everything, did everything and sought every avenue of help I could. I lost it really for a long long time. My anger at him was incredible. I raged and raged and grieved and grieved. I know I was working through a lot of family of origin stuff but my emotions were really raw and intense when he almost destroyed himself. I really had to come to that he didn't have it to be in a relationship. He was great at the superficial ones. He was dependent on others in lots of ways but it wasn't a healthy dependency. I settled for so so little for a long long time. I thought that was all I was worth.
The ex A certainly had many issues. The problem I had to encounter was my own issues with rage, over reacting, feeling "worthwhile", feeling like I deserved to live without him.
