The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It took some time for the courts to find the papers today in the piles and piles of divorce decrees, but I've got them in my hot little hands...it's over and done. Divorce is final.
I've been going to Al-Anon meetings every day this week because I knew this day would come. I'm feeling angry and sad and disappointed in "what could have been". What could have been if he could have just stayed sober and I would have truly worked the program myself. If he could have kept his you-know-what in his pants and be faithful to me. If we could have worked through this together instead of him finding "true love" in the arms of another.
But yet I know, as hard as this is, this is the RIGHT thing to do. Just because it's right doesn't make it easy. I know this is something I just need to work through. I will come out stronger on the other side of the storm.
So tonight, I'm taking it easy. As soon as I got home from work, I put on my "after school" clothes - a nice comfy pair of pajama bottoms and a beat up t-shirt. I poured myself a glass of wine and got on here ASAP to share. It seems to take the sting out of the whole situation.
I cry when I feel like it; smile when I feel like it. I looked at the pictures of my baby sister's wedding in Florida last week and prayed to HP that her marriage would turn out better than mine.
HP knew it wasn't going to get any better, so he plucked me out of the mayhem and put me in a safe place - my little house (which is now ALL MINE) with my sweet little dog, a fridge filled with my favorite things, and a DVR full of my favorite movies. I am so incredibly grateful that I am safe - sad, but safe. Disillusioned, but safe. Discouraged, but safe.
Tomorrow, the craziness begins - my cousin is graduating from college, and Sunday I'm making dinner for my mom and stepdad for his birthday (which is today) and Mother's Day. Green chile cheeseburgers with homemade potato chips. Monday, my "sister-friend's" daughter is graduating from high school and I can't wait to be there to cheer her on. My family and friends are so grateful this is all done - they say they're "getting their Blondie back".
I'm also going to pick some new paint for the house - I'm "glamming" it up - with my favorite deep, rich purples and blues and greens. I'm also going to get flowers for the garden - in all MY favorite colors. Lavender outside my bedroom window so I can smell it when I wake up every morning and fall asleep to its sweet fragrance every night.
And I'm going to keep on comin' back - I'm finding it hard to get a sponsor because it seems that so many of us who are finally free from the insanity through a divorce have stopped their own recovery in Al Anon. Away from the A - away from the Al Anon. I want to have someone that can share this experience with me. I'll keep on lookin', but in the meantime I've got my fourth step group of sisters to help me along. They are SO awesome and funny and wise. Steel Magnolias and Ya-Ya Sisterhood all rolled up into one. Thank you HP for putting them in my life!
Oh Lordy, I KNOW I've got a LOT to work on - I've got to figure out why an independent, college-educated, strong woman like me got in this situation. I know I have a history I have to work through. I'm finding "isms" - others and my own - scattered throughout my life that I need to deal with. And I'm going to fourth step meetings weekly to work this out.
Please say a prayer for me as I work through this. And I will continue to share my ESH for those who are getting to where I am.
Blessings to all for a safe weekend. And to the moms - happy Mother's Day! May HP's grace shine on you.
I believe HP brought me to the boards tonight to see your post. First of all, you sound so incredibly strong, resolve, able to deal with the difficult feelings, but also taking care of yourself. I am at the very beginning of the process, my H is moving out of the house around the 1st week of June and I will be filing within a week or two from now. I have felt so much of what you described...resolved, but sad; safe, but sad; know it's the right (only) thing for me to do, but sad. Etc Etc
I wish you continued strength--sounds like you have a wonderful weekend ahead. Enjoy it and I hope it's the start of many many more positive days to come.
What isn't to be helps us create what is to be. I divorced my husband in the late 70s. My dreams of a house, white picket fence, two children and a husband who loved me smashed and shattered by reality. I tried to hide from what was true for my life, but two little children were totally dependent on me, we were plunged into poverty, and I was suffering from the affects of his disease, my disease (codependency) and his abuse. I was making $4.50 an hour, was deeply in debt, and wanting the same dream that just died to resurrect itself. My HP led me differently than I wanted to go after the divorce. Had I done what I wanted - got what I wanted - I probably wouldn't be writing this today. I would have gone back to him and died or found somebody just like him and died. Instead, I have lived to realize that my failed marriage helped my HP create through me something of value that helped many, many people that didn't exist before l accepted the end of a bad marriage and the possibilities that an unwelcome yet genuine reality presented.
A new, unwritten chapter of your life will present you with all sorts of challenges and opportunities to grow and to be of service to others in ways that will surprise you. Bitterness, regret, resentments will burn away in the new life you can create with your HP's guidance, wisdom and power.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 11th of May 2013 09:51:46 AM
