The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am married to a man who has a drinking problem - whether he's an alcoholic or not...I don't know. My gut says yes as we have been married 20 years and have four children together. I come from a family of alcoholics too.
Last year we almost divorced over the drinking but managed to eek in a few counseling sessions. He quit cold turkey.....for a while - a long while and now the pattern of drinking here and there has resurfaced. I suppose I am partly to blame because when we go out for "date night" I have a glass and he feels he can too, of course his is 3 to my one.
He just lied to me about where he was - a "business meeting" at a bar and comes home tipsy and reeking of alcohol. I was JUST starting to trust again and open myself up, let my guard down again and now I feel like all is back to square one.
I feel it extreme to take measures to leave or separate because of the kids - it's not like he's a falling down drunk every day. It's exhausting especially because my sister is an active alcoholic (bad). Don't know what to do except feel tired.
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All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France
I think it's so difficult when we guess at and second guess our feelings about any given situation, but your post subject says it all. If it's bad for you, it's bad! I have also been married over 20 yrs, have three children and my H has never been a daily drinker, but a binge drinker. We have had issues with this since before we were married, and are now in the process of separation/divorce. I will tell you this is the hardest decision I have ever made, but I also know that the quitting cold turkey, or whiteknuckling through staying sober rarely leads to success...there's a lot of work and commitment involved.
I hope you keep coming here thought--there is a ton of support and someone has lived something close to your story, which for me has been comforting. I wish you strength--keep coming back.
Thank you SO much. I need people right now and have nowhere to turn.
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All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France
His drinking bothers you and that is all it takes for you to be welcomed into the fellowship that is AlAnon. I have 4 daughters with my AH of 42 years. He drank in the beginning so that he could fall asleep. Then he drank to relax. Then he just drank.... as soon as he got home from work until he passed out. And all the weekends. And all the holidays. And on vacation. And his choices became irrational. I knew he was an alcoholic about 10 years before he knew. Even when he started AA he wouldn't admit it. He went to AA about 2 years before I finally heard him admit it (and it wasn't to me but to someone we were talking to). So it doesn't matter if he thinks he is or not. You are having a bad time of it.
You are not partly to blame because you can have a glass of wine and he has 6. He has the disease that says he can't quit once he starts. You don't have that disease. Neither do I. It sucks to be him, but like any other disease, he has to handle it himself..... or suffer the consequences.
Now you have to deal with the lack of trust for him and the loss of a companion. Your tiredness is really depression. I know the feeling well.
Hi there and welcome to MIP. Please keep coming back and reading as you'll find lots of stories that sound similar to yours. One thing that really helped me was getting into Al Anon meetings. I put it off for a long time but am so glad I finally stuck around and committed to it. I've been married 18 years and we have 1 son who's 14. My AH is a binge drinker so just when I think I can trust again, I find out he's been drinking. Sound familiar? Yes, our stories all have some crossover so it's really important to read, try Al Anon, and find your own peace whether he's drinking or not.
We learn the 3 C's in Al Anon: We didn't cause it, We can't cure it, and we can't control it!
Oh, another thing I've stopped doing: drinking in front of him. I realized that I just can't drink in front of him especially if he's working on sobriety. It may be a half-assed attempt at sobriety and he might be white knuckling it but I felt it important to support him at least that much. I still have a glass of wine when out with friends or with family. I've never been a big drinker EVER so it really wasn't much of a sacrifice to me anyway.
Thank you all! I've been to Al Anon when my younger sister was going through "rock bottom" and went into rehab for 30 days. It was helpful at the time. I'm in school at night and tend to four children during the day (they are homeschooled).
I feel 'bad' for not speaking to him right now, but I guess the fact that he lied through email about where he was hurt me the most. Yes, the fact he drank too much hurt too because that was the reason we mended our marrige. He's slipped into drinking at get togethers too - with family functions as if it was 'okay' because it was a family function.
I still have another year in school and the pressure has been building up. I worry when I am not home, in school and he takes the kids to a 'function' whether he'll drink too much. I am ALWAYS worrying, whether it's for my sister (who was in a wreck from her drinking) or him with the kids or my mom who is a pill popper. It's a lot.
Thanks for listening.
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All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France
