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I have an alcoholic boyfriend who I have dated for about 2 years. We have lived together for about a year and a half. His drinking has been a problem for most of our relationship. We have gone through so many times of him 'getting sober' or getting help. I know he always did it for me to get me off of his back about the drinking problem. I don't believe he ever felt it was a real problem.
Anyway, he had been sober for 3 months this time and then came home wasted this past weekend. I kicked him out of the house and contacted his family to let them know what was going on. I had never before contacted them, but this time I felt compeletly done with the situation.
He went to his family and has been staying with his sister. He quit his bartending jobs and immediately began going to AA meetings with his Mom. He found family members willing to go with him to AA and he is also looking into counseling.
The huge dilemma is that he needs a place to live. His sister kept him as long as she could and his mother does not want him living with her because she thinks she is too far away. He wants to move back in and live in my second bedroom until he gets back on his feet. I know that I am crazy to be considering it, but I do feel like he made more progress this time than he did our entire relationship. It is hard for me to walk away from the person I love and not help.
The decision is up to you honestly but be warned that a relapse is very likely especially in early recovery. How will you handle that? Are you willing to handle it, as well? He can ask around at AA and find out about sober living and see if that's an option for him. Honestly, you are not his mother and are not obligated to put a roof over his head. He's an adult and has to learn how to take care of himself. If you feel comfortable housing him, that's your choice and maybe you can set some boundaries and limits but what will happen if he drinks again? Will you kick him out again? He was 3 months sober after the last time.
Also, have you looked into Al Anon meetings for yourself? You may find the answers for YOU in those rooms and get great 'in real life' support. Also, you would not be walking away from him, you'd just be asking him to be responsible for himself and giving him the dignity to be human and provide for himself. You can support him without having him live with you. Again, no one here is going to tell you what to do, we just know the reality of alcoholism and how the merry go round will keep going for you but you can choose to either get on it with them or you can watch from the outside and wait and take care of you in the process. I hope this didn't come across as harsh, but I have made the mistake of allowing my alcoholic husband to stay too long and I've seen months of sobriety thrown down the tubes and what I had to accept was that he had a disease of mind, body, and spirit and that no matter what words he said, I had to look at his actions to see how truly committed he was to recovery. It's not an easy walk, by any means. Sending you support and the 3 Cs: You didn't cause it You can't cure it You can't control it
Hello, I think alcoholics can be very manipulative and good at getting what they want. He want s to live with you and this is his way of getting things the way he wants them. I think if you are sure that you dont want to be with him then you should make that clear for your sake as well because he will see that as a signal that after a bit of time you will be together again. Its that old merry go round. If you want off then you have to be fully off, maybe you dont want off and thats ok but you might need time to work out what you really feel.
Hi, I have not lived with my boyfriend but I feel inclined to share my story with you. maybe it will help. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. Like you, most of our relationship was dominated and revolved around his drinking and drug use. ( pot) I never contacted his family. He threatened to never speak to me again if I did. After 2 years of it, this past february I basically stopped speaking to him. I didn't break up with him, ( we live apart) I just started al-anon, went out with friends, and stopped hoping we had a future together. I was ready at anytime to accept that he may text me : ok well this is over. I'm not dealing with this from you. OR. Him just never speaking to me again at some point or cheating on me.
He actually freaked out, called his family himself, went to AA, and started looking for a Rehabilitation center he could go to. Yeah, I guess that was the equivalent of me " kicking him out of the house. " more less, " Kicking him out of my life " without actually saying or threatening that. After about 2 months I felt bad for him. I started " supporting " him. Making nice dinners, him sleeping over again every night. We basically lived together before. You know what happened? I went out of town, 2 weekends and he got hammered. It started with a few glasses of wine at dinner and led to a week of total disgusting behavior. Abusive, manipulative, and then again telling me the point of AA is not to stop drinking for 90 days, that whole thing is just.. eh.. " You dont get it." LOL!!!!!!!! Right. I have not spoken to him in person since that conversation last week and am now starting over, on myself, and he is this time having a harder time starting over on himself. He is more manipulative than ever, trying every which way to force me to accept this a second time around instead of being scared and getting his shit together.
I would say, Do not let him move back in. Make him figure it out. If I could do this over again, I would be on guard at least 6 months. Available, dating him, but very on guard.
That is just my opinion. Good luck to you!!
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
You are not the answer to your boyfriend's living situation. It does not HAVE to be you who takes him in.
A long time ago I used a scenario with my ex when he was asking me to drive him everywhere when he'd lost his driver's license. I told him to not depend upon me and asked him what would he do if he lived on his own?
New ideas came about when he actually realized his answers didn't need to lie with me.
I did not let my husband move back home until I was sure he was in recovery for himself and working his recovery. He had nowhere to go and I shrugged my shoulders. I was twisting and turning inside, but he did not know it. If I can do it after 20 some years of marriage and 4 children, so can you. ...and the choice is yours...decide if your soul can handle the possibility of a life of ongoing relapses, heartbreaks, etc. If you don't get recovery for yourself, the likelihood of continuing in relationships with addicts is VERY high. Keep coming back and hanging out with people in recovery!
If he works his recovery and stays sober you will have plenty of time to get back together. And if he doesn't, well, you already lived through that and know what it's like and decided it's not for you. Supporting him also means allowing him time and space for his own recovery, and to feel the consequences of his drinking.
You know that the longest he's had sober since becoming an alcoholic is most likely three months. And that the last time he drank was very recently. Many, many alcoholics feel an intense conviction that they're going to stop "this time." The test is not the intensity of his conviction in the beginning, but how his recovery holds up over time. There's plenty of time to see how it goes before deciding whether his recovery is longterm. Take good care of yourself.
I don't want to pile-on and tell you not to let him because I want you to continue to come to this board to get support whatever you decide. You know your situation and your motives. Look closely at your motives. Think of him like he were a friend that you graduated from school with. What would you say to him? What would you say to a next door neighbor that you grew up with and knew all your life? Take the "love" and responsibility out of it and figure out if it is a good idea. Is it because he is closer to his meetings when he is at your house? Does his mother not have a room for him? Do you need his help with his rent money?
How does he identify "back on his feet?" How long is he going to stay? How separated will you be? Will you be affected if he drinks again? Do you like his friends when he drinks? when he goes to AA? Will he be working most of the day? or night?
And keep coming here because if his drinking bothered you before, it will continue to bother you. We all have been there.
Thank you all so much for the replies and support. This is the first time I'm reaching out and it feels great to get feed back. I have been getting help for myself with therapy and I have recently began looking into Al Anon meetings for myself. I will continue to use you all for support. I have much to think about. Thank you
