The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sleeping on the floor again, not because she's drunk but because I can't stand to be next to her. The other night when she was drinking I came out to sleep on the floor to get away from her but around 5am she got up and came out to harass me. It came fairly close to physical blows... she was intrusive of my personal space, poking and prodding me and wouldn't leave me alone and kept saying the meanest vile things about me.. she wanted me to lose it and punch her. I didn't though... I felt my control slipping as my anger increased so instead I got hold of the phone and threatened to call the police. This finally convinced her to leave me alone. As horrible as that little scene was, the worst part was the next day when she was sober. Not one word of apology or remorse for her actions. In fact she seemed pleased with herself. For the first time I can really see that I am just holding on to something that just isn't really there anymore... if it ever was. Love is patient... I have been, she hasn't. Love is kind... again she hasn't been. Love is not self seeking... same thing. Maybe everything I ever believed about her and our relationship is bullshit. I always made allowances for her and her behavior because of the terrible childhood she endured. I always stood ready to forgive... 7 x 70. She has no forgiveness in her. Anything I have ever done that she perceives as against her is held indefinitely until such time as it can be used as ammunition against me. I dont think that she loves me anymore if she ever truly did. I feel like a complete fool.
Seems to be the day for abuse issues..wonder why that is. This will not change for you; your wife will not be any different. She may or may not love you, what is important here, is do you love you? Start with self love and your choices as to what to do will become much easier. I know you have been on this forum for awhile, so I don't need to remind you what you can do to begin loving yourself. This may seem harsh, but if you continue to believe you are a victim, you will be victimized. You both are playing your roles quite well. Time to change the game?
Alanon meetings. You'll feel less alone in this. Your expectations of an active alcoholic may change as you continue to recover. We owe ourselves more than we have a right to ask of anyone else. Let it Begin with Me. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
You are not a fool for loving someone and trying. You are far the wiser for the insights you just shared. Besides, she's the one who is really living her life foolishly because she's about to lose the one person that loved her truly and the most. You are not the fool. Keep doing what is best for you. When an alcoholic is as far progressed as she is, it's impossible to not get dragged down with them at least somewhat. Keep doing for yourself no matter what.
What seems pretty common on here is that we state all these horrible and often abusive things that our A's do and then ask "Why am I such a fool?" and "Why am I not strong enough to leave?" Both of those questions are distorted thoughts it would seem and they are the very reason we stay in relationships that are toxic. Sounds like you are making progress with acceptance, but if you can do it without bashing yourself, you will be better off.
You are not a fool.....if that were so we would all have a sign hanging around our necks with the word " FOOL "
As I'm getting help regarding my AS I also now starting to look at my relationship with my partner. I have gone though a lot of emotional and physical abuse through the years but still thought I was in love and could change this man. I can't plain and simple..
My goal is to work on me to come to terms with my situation and what is my best plan of action. Will I leave, will I stay? Only time will tell. I work my program and learn why, what, where and how I can change. Change for the better, to make better decisions going forward.
Right now I'm not in crisis with my partner like you, but if it should start happening I will be forced to leave NOW.
Financially, physically and emotionally I have started to Take care of ME.....
Let go Let God (((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Dp, when I began attending meetings and reading I began seeing things for what they really are. My ex ah never really loved me either. I am not sure an alcoholic is capable of love in the caring, healthy sense. In turn, I realise that I too was not really capable of proper healthy love, not while I was affected and suffering from insanity. Realisations or facts have been coming to me regularly since recovery and while I could not face them before (which is why I stayed with my ex ah in the first place, because he was my distraction from myself) I can now look at things and people for who and what they are including myself and I am gradually accepting these facts and not trying to change things into how I think they should look. This is an amazing thing for me, it marks the point in my life when I have finally grown up, at aged 41!!! I also deal with my guilt, which was and still is a huge problem for me. In fact it was one reason I stayed with him because I could blame him in a way. Now though I am big enough to face my part in past and present mistakes and I can say that I did the best that I could at the time. That is so true because living with an alcoholic means learning survival instincts like resentment, judgement, self pity and all the rest so the mistakes I have made were actually the best at the time considering I was a wreck of a person. It sounds like you are on the cusp of change and if you work the Alanon programme miracles happen. Ask anyone on this site who works their program. Step 4 is a great one for me and I do tend to neglect my step work but I get there in the end. Step 4 is where I take a good look at myself and face myself then forgive myself and let it go. It is an amazing feeling and I feel so good afterwards. Im telling you this because if you are serious about changing things for the better then you need to understand why you put up with this life you are living. Do you think you deserve it? Do you think you are the saviour and can save her? Do you feel superior and play the martyr role? I could say yes to all of these before and I could easily slip down that path at any moment but for Alanon. Dp we are never completely innocent when we live with alcoholics in my experience. We get something out of it too and I think sussing that out was vital for my recovery. Get to meetings while you feel the way you do and open your mind. Take care.x
I pray for courage and solution all the time and often times (most often) the solutions come from others my HP has put in my life especially those from inside the meeting rooms, those who have left their ESH in our Daily and otherwise readers, sponsors and MIP members. I read your post and I hear CG, Tom's share...She's going to drink and/or use or not...what are you going to do? Or I can bring that right into the present and do an inventory which I can use to do "self" correction...She is drinking and using and being a drunk...what am I doing? and...I have to do an honest inventory on that last question. I have learned to understand that what I am getting is a consequence of what I am doing and thank God for the sponsor who taught me under the lesson heading of "I am responsible". Yes my qualifier was an alcoholic/addict and yes I needed to learn how to live my life as "I wanted it to be" without solely blaming the alcoholic/addict for how it was. "What is my part in it" was a huge demanding question that needed honest solution and so like tiredtonight states...I went to meetings after meetings after meetings. I did 102 meetings in 90 days and sat there listening "with an open mind", the doors always open to the ESH in the rooms because I had taken them off their hinges. I shut all of my thinking out and used the thoughts and awarenesses of the fellowship because "they knew and knew that they knew...both the problem and the solutions". Being asked and coming to learn that the woman I lived with and loved was both my "Wife" and my "alcoholic addict" and what to do, respond and choose when either one was in the room with me was huge...for me because I had the tools that allowed me to be around rational and irrational without being so affected. When my spouse was rational...clean and sober regardless of how she was doing that...she was more responsible for her self and I had less invitation to take over for her and make more heading demands like "don't abuse me". When she was drunk and high, drinking and using I had a plan "B" which asked me "What can you reasonably do about this and how much are you responsible for and what consequences can you expect from your attachment"?
Al-Anon is about active living...not passive existence...for me it is about active choises not only with my alcoholic and with everything that is placed outside of me that I can be involved with. This is my life...not hers or yours or anyone elses. I look at the consequences of my choices and can say "For that I am responsible" and not feel remorse or resentment or anger or self pity. My alcoholic/addict wife...last time I saw her was clean and sober and at that meeting we embraced and embrace that I could tell by body language which was love filled and so we had arrived at loving and then we parted with smiles and I left to go on with my life with the understanding that, from my inventory steps, that I should not have followed thru with that choice to marry an alcoholic/addict. We were in love with no reason to be married. "Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are" (Al-Anon lesson circa, 1980ies). The word alcoholic doesn't even appear in that definition and if it were the outcome would be very changed (and was) for me.
For me...from experience...The outcome of my life because I took the suggestions for meetings and more saved my sanity and gave me my happiness back. I wish that for you... have faith, follow thru ((((hugs))))
Un freaking believable... she comes out today and asks why I want to keep on fighting with her. Wants to know why I treat her so badly. I was stunned. Apparently she feels completely justified in her actions because I didn't want to take her to the store the day prior to when all this started. I guess in her convoluted self centered way of thinking I was doing something to her (I guess not running and jumping as high as she wants when she wants it). Truth is that I was just depressed and tired and there was no real reason to go... not that wouldn't wait a day or two anyway. I let her know that I was on to her... that I knew she didn't love me. I told her if she thinks I treat her so badly that she can leave and go live with her daughter because I am tired of putting up with her crap. I told her that I was tired of her abusive behavior and I wasn't going to put up with it anymore and I want her gone. Then she steals my wallet and I had to get physical with her to get it back.. well I got the money card back anyway and that is what I was needing to fill up my moms gas tank. I transferred all our money into my own personal account and changed the password on the bank website so she cant just transfer the money back. I told her if she wants to leave she can have the money but not until then. more later.....
