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My stbxah just called to tell me that he has been losing the sight in his right eye and he thinks he will be dead within 3 years. He wanted me to know that he is keeping me as the benficiary of his life insurance. I have so many different emotions going on right now. Part of me feels like he is being manipulative again and trying to get sympathy from me. I am fed up with his self pity. But I also agree that that he probably does not have long to live if he continues to drink at this level. His health has declined so quickly I think one year to live might be more realistic than his estimate of 3 years. He has done and said some really horrible things in the past 7 months and there have been times when I have wished him dead. Tonight the idea of him dying makes him feel incredibly sad. I miss the man he used to be so much. He has undergone such a dramatic change in personality that in a way I feel like he has already been dead for awhile. On top of feeling sadness, I am also angry. I'm angry at this disease and I'm angry at him for basically committing a slow suicide and expecting everyone to just watch him and feel sorry for him. It is easy to feel sympathy for someone dying of cancer. It is far more difficult to feel sympathy for a person drinking themselves to death. I tried to encourage him to go back to treatment. I tried to tell him that it is not to late to reverse all the damage he has done to his body and his life. He is so deep in his self pity that he didn't want to hear anything I had to say. I have this urge to try to rush in and beg and plead with him to get help. That is what I always did in the past. I know now that there is nothing I can do to help him. He knows what he needs to do. He is the only one who can save himself.
My son is in the same boat right now. When he has no more alcohol and is in withdrawals he becomes active and starts the calling with the wanting help and poor me. Yes they are really sick when they are not drinking for any short time...but they also know they can do something about it if they want to. When they truly have the desire of quit and seek help then things will get better for them. What we do to help is just a band-aid until the next time.
I keep telling myself I can't cure him.....I pray for him.
((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Thank you for your post- this is such a horrible, horrible disease...
My exAH had told me he had a terminal illness with less than a year to live... in time, I learned none of it was true- just a twisted manifestation of his pity party du jour. It's hard to know what's real and what isn't.
In the more recent past, when he'd contact me with manipulations, I'd respond, "You have choices." I know he has to chose recovery on his own- there's nothing I can do about it, but pray and work on my own program.
What a hard place, for you and for him. It sounds like you know what to do and you are processing it. Of course you feel angry and sad and worried for him. But he's the only one who can deal with it. Let yourself feel good about your own life and health, even while you are sad that he isn't coping well with his. And do keep coming back here, we understand.
When he finds recovery that whole projection will change...He won't even want to die in three years because he will live one day at a time and if he dies on one of those days he'll probably be happy as hell for the life of recovery he had before he croaked. Go sit in on some open AA meetings and listen to the stories of gratitude...honest gratitudes. My home groups of AA (groups because my home group meets on Saturday and Sunday) AA by the Bay outside of Hilo is soooo filled with gratitude and loving support you'd think you were in an old Al-Anon meeting...go figure....and then...it was founded by two "double winners"...lol Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
