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I am back. No suprise, things didn't stay so great.
My Huband decided to let a "friend" of his stay at our house for a couple of days (girlfriend problems). So dysfunctional. Anyway, he stayed for a couple of days...then the girlfriend would come over...the strategy was supposedly to get them back together so he would leave....but what ends up happening is that they all go out drinking or stay at the house and drink and listen to loud music. I don't think that I have had more than 5 days total without someone sleeping in my house in probably a month. when They wakea up they immediately do shots. This ampped last week and has bled into his birthday(an excuse)..yesterday. Which he left with them (thank god they left) sometime in the early afternoon (Monday). He did not call or text, nothing....out all night (did buy a car charger to charge the phone, but didn't bother to text or call still.) When they got back to the house. They thought I was gone (I had locked the doors and haha my stupid car wouldn't start the other day so I had it towed)...he still didn't call (obviously not caring where I was probably just glad I was gone - don't blame him). I eventually let them in. I try to talk to him, but he keeps his buddies there. I ask repeatedly for them to leave. He commands them not to go. REALLY? really? I wasn't even mad at that point. He even told me that he was going to have some big guy "escort" me out of the house.
I am not sure if that was before or after I told him I was leaving and asked him to please help me find a place to stay. it is one thing to be stressed out all the time, it is a competely other thing to have someone treat you like crap. He is so disrespectful to me. and then he will "apologize" he knows its wrong. Sure, but it doesnt' make it okay, he doesn't get a freebie.
The day and night he was gone was one of the best nights I have had in a long time...I felt some peace and was happy, didn't feel like I had to watch my back. I began wishing he would just stay gone.
I got mad at him. at the LEAST he could have given me a heads up that they were coming. I dumped all the beer (while they were on the porch) and all the liquor (as if that makes a difference) I should really be ashamed of myself for acting this way. But I get so angry. and he just sits there and acts like he has no heart.
I must say... I haven't cried about any of it. Which scares me a bit. It makes me feel like it is about to be over. I get so frustrated - heck if he can go out all night long and spend the night out, why should *I* leave when he wants to party at the house. But I just can't take it, I just cant' sit upstairs feeling like he is doing whatever the hell he wants without regard to me. I even told him that a roomate would have had more respect for me than he does.
Anyway, not sure how all this will pan out. he still hasn't called me. But I left, packed a light bag and am at a hotel. (in front of all his friends - who are so disfunctional that it doesn't really phase them at all). He said a couple of things that make me feel like he wants to be woken up from this nightmare, but he can't wake up. He told me kinda sad that he threw up on himself yesterday =(. yeah = happy birthday.
I don't *want* it to end. Who does? But I told him more than once that I do not want to live like this.
Yesterday (or the night before), i was tracking him using I cloud...and I saw that he was home. so I went outside and His moron friend was in his/my *mercedes* grr with my husbands phone and wallet. He could barely speak (is scared of me) so his girlfriend finally told me that he FORGOT where he left my husband. Like, gee were at the house, oops were is the guy that lives here.
So I went outside made him give me the keys to my car so I could go find my husband...who must have gotten a ride and showed up moments later. At this point I get grilled like I committed a crime. Why did you talk to him, how long did he talk to you. how long has he been here....So *I* am the one in trouble. I told him off and to wipe that look off his face and to stop treating me like that.
Anyway, I am gratefull to have a you all - a group that I can vent to who in some way may understand what I might be going through.
As I was writing this..he texts me that he loves me more than anything. I texed back that I love him too and I would do anything for him! but I can't live being treated so badly. I'm sorry. It has gotten way out of hand. I am better than that or he wouldn't be with me in the first place. He needs to decide the road he is going to take. please let it be with me.
I have really gotten to the point where I don't care where he is to know where he is, i just care that he isn't coming home.
Thank you all for lending your ears, and your wonderful advice and compassion.
Hi Susie, all I can say is "keep coming back" and practice the steps. I've been in those same shoes and only I knew what I could tolerate, what I chose to, what I chose not too, and always looked at what I "could change" to make things better...for Myself....MY serenity (and the younger children, if there is).....of course I have codependent slips...but in the end, it is what we choose to handle. In the process we need to set our boundaries and take gentle care of ourselves. I try not to deal to much with my AH when he is under the influence. I wait till it calms down a bit. Also, they are big boys, we cannot stress ourselves wondering where or what they are doing and just leave that to a higher power......Keep coming back.....esp. F2F meetings
When you can really sit in unconditional love for you, this will change to I would do anything for me! Attending face to face meetings, obtaining a sponsor, and immersing yourself in the other tools al anon has to offer and more will help you get there. You will be transformed from the inside out and healthy choices for you will spring forth from that space. We have been where you are....hugs.
It's not about choosing you or someone/something else. He is an alcoholic who has little to no control over how he acts after the first drink. Like most alcoholics, he sounds incredibly self absorbed and self-centered. That is not going to change because of any "choice" and even if he committed to sobriety it wouldn't change without some serious work in recovery. In other words, I hate to see you pin your hopes on a serious alcoholic just suddenly "not acting like a serious alcoholic."
I realized after I responded, that my post to you was not grounded enough. I was happy to read pinkchips response. It brought me back to my early days of confusion after living with an alcoholic for so long. I needed someone to say to me "your husband is an alcoholic and alcoholics are selfish". "You get your behind to al anon and more than once a week". I could not make good choices for me at the time...I was living in crazyland. I did follow directions well, though, and trusted my therapists recommendations. You are in crazyland and need to get to al anon every night if possible. There are people that do 30 meetings in 30 days, 60 meetings in 60 days, etc. So whatever it takes and DO IT FOR YOU.
I returned home after the night at the hotel (finally some peace) to find that no one was home. Thank god. I later got a call from my husband who felt like total crap from all the drugs and drinking from the past week. He was in a neighboring city..didn't have his blood pressure medication nor his lexapro nor his xanax. He was pretty much going through withdrawls. He asked me to pick him up. I sort of said I would be didn't really jump at the chance if you know what I mean. He said he would get his friend to do it. hours later he is still not back..going through worse withdrawls..and is idiot friend wont' wake up to bring him home. SO, of course I went to get him. I mean I don't want him to die. I took his medication with me. Brought him home. He spend 3 days shaking going through withdrawl probably from both alcohol and the drugs. I want to say I picked him up on the 8th or 9th a wednesday or thursday. by Friday he was past the worst part but got sick cold/flu congestion/cough. looked like he had an infection. So obviously he was able to not drink....but he acted commited...wanted to get sober yadda yadda. I know that I won't be able to drink...then it went to sure would be nice...then probably tuesday he found some liquor i didn't realize we had, poured a gladd but didn't drink it all. Surprise. but then again he was pretty sick. by wednesday or thursday he was already drinking the small bottle if wine that we were about to use to cook a roast, then it was beer again....no more liquor was his defense.
Last night his drinking buddy (well aren't they all) came over - of course he thought it would be best if I went to our store at that time (i did have some things to take care of anyway). he was gone when I got back. when he came home he wasn't wasted (I was suprised) said he only had 4 beers. then I went upstairs because now I'm sick lol!. I called to him and he straight up lied and said that the 1st friend was there. I knew better and said who else...when he admitted it was the other "friends, the drug friends" and when I looked outside the 1st guy was long gone. so I got mad at him. 1 for lying 2 I hate the whole scenario 3. he gives me no respect whatsoever in letting me know what is going on. I went back downstairs to get the coffee ready for the morning and he told me to wait and do it later - they are about to leave. I said what do you mean, ?you are leaving?. I said please no, don't go - just don't go. Well of course next thing I knew they were gone. I called him and he said they just went to the gas station to buy beer. But I tracked him on I phone and I could see they were headed out of town. so I got mad again. he said I was overreacting and he was trying to be a better person (not sure about that one) adn that I dont give him a chance. I told him that he doesn't give US a chance - that he knows how damaging this is to our relationship but he chooses to do it anyway, because he does what he wants whenever he wants no matter how much it hurts me or our relationship.
Gosh, I bet you hear this same story said in a hundred different ways.
I am tired of living like this. I have no husband. He has broken all my trust. I wonder if it is just time for me to move on. I am blessed and cursed at the same time that I have no children. I have always wanted children, God is wise. It would merely mean moving again, and starting over alone. But better alone than like this, yeah? sometime I wonder if I love him anymore, he has become someone who does all the things that I want to avoid in a person. At what point is is okay to say goodbye? and if I say goodbye....I honestly fear the opinions of the people around us. I am an extremely private person and would almost rather remain unhappy than to embarrass either of us. ALMOST. Again, I can be very very strong. And in most cases I don't give a rat's butt what people think of me. I guess it is a fear of the unknown, and worry of gossip.
Thank you again for being here for me. It is an enormous comfort to know that I am not alone in this and that others have felt the way I feel and been through what I am going through.
If I am going to let him do his thing on his own terms, I don't see how I can possibly live with him. I am tired of this. I am not one for drama. CUT, CUT , CUT. but I don't necessarily want to abandon him, because you are right - it is a disease. But unlike Cancer, he has a choice to seek treatment to beat it, to make better decisions. and as pinkchip said I can't expect him to just suddenly stop acting like a serious alcoholic. I feel a bit like a spoiled brat in that sense. this is how *I* want *my* life to be! so there. Not always the way it works out.
