The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today and more recently in the past week or so, I've been getting more frustrated, angry and tired of dealing with the constant craziness that is living with my AM. I'm short tempered with my family members, especially my AM. I'm going to meetings, my dad and I went to one last night. :). I'm remembering to walk away from my AM when the situation gets to be too much to handle. :). I'm frustrated and angry because I'm doing my best to be supportive of her and it doesn't seem to be doing any good...someone tell me that its not for nothing..please!! tell me that what I'm doing to support her her by praying for her actually does make a difference!!
Tonight (by that I mean at 4pm EST) she went to bed. I asked her if she was okay, she smiled and said I'm okay. I Said she wasnt okay. She immediately got defensive and said she didn't want to talk about it. I.told her that I'm praying for her. She dismissed me. I'm not going to lie it hurt to see her do that because I know when she's sober she would never do that. I can get over and have gotten over what she said to me, what hurts is that I know its the alcohol talking that made her this way...its breaks my heart. I love her SO SO SO much! The song You Raise Me Up by Josh Groban just came to me, how appropriate. :) The only thing that I know to do is to pray to my HP, whom I call God to continue to help my AM as she battles this addiction.
I don't have a sponser yet, but I'm the meantime how do I control my emotions when it comes to dealing with my AM? I have trouble controling my emotions...please pray for myself and my family. I.would give almost anything to have the last two years back...I want someone to hug me and tell me that they've been through this too and that it will get better...won't it? Off to cry now..thanks for listening to me rant.
I can only promise you that the hard work you're doing will make a difference in YOUR life, because your life is the only one you have complete control over.
Your AM is in your HP's hands. Keep handing her over to your HP - that's all you can do. Your HP has a plan for her... it might not make any sort of sense to you and your family, but there's a plan there. When you really let go and let God, then you'll really be able to see the magic from putting your focus where it really needs to be... you.
I'm glad to hear you're getting to meetings. I know when things are really getting stressful for me, the best I can do for myself is increase the number of meetings I attend during the week. It brings a calmness and serenity to me that few other things can.
Sometimes being supportive is to walk away. Your mom wanted to go to bed at 4, then let her. Find something else to do. Get your mind off it. Get out of the house and take your dad with you. Go for a walk. Go to meetings. Go to the store to browse. Go to a movie. Go to the beach or the mountains etc. Go to church.
The song You Raise Me UP was written, I hope, about God (your HP). I know a lot of people want to substitute a human image of "who raises them up", and I will admit that I always did before step 2 and 3 was written in my soul.
You keep on taking care of yourself the way you are. Picture your two big hands cupping your mom in them and raising her up to the heavens to her HP. I had to had the image of that in my mind.
Ditto to what has already been said by other's posts. I feel your heartbreak, this is a tough one. Everything you are feeling is so totally normal...feel all of your feelings. Trying to control your emotions is like trying to hold beachballs under water... remember the 3 A's: Be aware of your feelings, Accept them, take the right Action. You are taking some wonderful action already...love breaks our heart sometimes. hugs
The role I carved out for myself in my family was: cheerleader, supporter, helper, fixer, suggestion-maker, researcher. I was constantly reading up on solutions to to other people's problems, making suggestions, "being there," etc. I was constantly unveiling the "NEW FAMILY PLAN TO MAKE US BETTER"! This went on for years. I was in a lot of pain in my family and I wanted things to be better. However, when people are really, really, really ill there is nothing I can do and even "being supportive" is dubious because for me when my support efforts didn't work I would get angry which I think means my support efforts were really about trying to control the uncontrollable.
I was repeatedly shocked, hurt, suprised, and resentful when NOTHING I did had an impact. It always felt like the glimmer of change was right around the corner, I just hadn't found it yet. I was relentless. I just couldn't believe that I couldn't fix this.
Over time, my family has remained pretty consistent. However, I have gotten better. Part of me getting better is that I don't get all wrapped up in the same way, I'm more detached from their problems. But, also, I finally realized I have MY OWN problems I need to fix. So, that's what I've been working on lately. I have to say it is far, far, far more gratifying to work on my own problems because solutions are actually possible.
For the longest time, it felt like my family WAS my problem. I felt unsettled, angry, sad, resentful and was always thinking if I could just get so and so to stop drinking, be nicer, etc. etc. my life would get better. I finally realized my life can get better even if noone else but me changes. There was a tremendous amount of grief for me that I can't have the family I want but there is freedom in letting them as my life's project go, too.
BlueCloud, PP, maryjane, Thank you all for your advice.
I've always found comfort in You Raise Me Up! God is so good!!
It's important to get away sometime.
