The material presented
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I loved how you resolved this issue in your last few paragraphs . Talking things over, writing them out is really helpful. The anger, and resenlment will lift as well. Just accept that he is who he is and as HP to help you to let it go.
Enjoy your trip
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 7th of May 2013 01:33:22 PM
I separated from my AH (still drinking, denying there's a problem) 3 months ago. We have a 17 year old daughter.
Yesterday I emailed him to check on some August dates when I have the opportunity to travel for work for a 2 week period. (It's a great opportunity, something i'm excited about, and it would take me to a place I've been wanting to go.) I was specifically asking whether he would be okay with our daughter staying at his house for that time. I told him that she doesn't want to come with me, and she and I have talked about her staying there and she's totally fine with that, so would that work for him time-wise?
This morning I got an email from him (which was written late last night, when I know he is usually drinking). He said yes he'd have our daughter and good for you for the opportunity, but why would I want to go to THAT city; won't there be other work opportunities; isn't that too long of a time; even though our daughter says there's no problem maybe I shouldn't believe her; what will I do with the dog; boarding her won't be good for her; I should fly, not drive; I could fly and then drive part way; it's not the best time for him with his work; he wouldn't think about going any longer than a week at a time in "our delicate situation," and on and on.
I'm trying to apply my AlAnon principles and boundaries. I know this reflects his anxiety and control. It's not my problem. I trust my daughter to tell me how she feels and I have good instincts about her. And this is just more of the patronizing gunk that is superficially encouraging while talking to me as if I can't figure things out or plan on my own. I KNOW IT IS NOT ME.
I'm trying to be grateful that he keeps showing me who he is, and reminding me of what I lived with 24/7 when we were together. I don't want to live with that any more.
But it is hard to stop feeling the irritation and anger and negativity from this. I don't know how to let this go. I'm waiting to calm down a bit, and later or tomorrow I will email him to say thank you for the concerns, I've considered what you've said, I've talked to our daughter, she's still fine with it, and since you said the dates are okay with you I will plan on her being there during that time. PERIOD.
I know what to do. But it's how to let go of how icky this feels that I am having trouble with. I don't want to spend the day stewing about this. I'm thinking about my HP and trying to let it go to her.
Sometimes the harder I try to let go, the harder it is to let go...like the saying, the harder your resist the more it persists. Apply the 3 a's, be aware of the feelings, accept them and take right action and sometimes the right action for me is to simply let them spend the day with me because I know that "this too shall pass." Even in the midst of his craziness you could see the gift in the craziness...yay for your hp and you..quite a team
Yea for you and your awareness. When my hubby was still drinking, (and I didn't know anything about alcoholism so I still looked up to him as my HP), he would always say all those things about me and any work outside the home. "You don't want that", "But think of this", "You don't actually want that", "You haven't thought this through", "that would be terrible for you", "you couldn't do that", ....... etc. It was all negativity.
When I got into AlAnon I learned what he was doing. By that time I was very secretive about my life. I had stopped talking at home.
Follow your instincts. They are much more clear than his sloppy drunken thinking. You are doing a great job and have fun with the traveling.
Nora - I'm not sure I can offer you much suggestion but I wanted to encourage you because your post rings with lots of progress and it shows a high level of coping and detachment. All I can think of is to just remember that an active alcoholic is highly self-centered, manipulative, and delusional. Your daughter is 17 now....less need to coparent. Obviously the "delicate" situation is a manipulation because, it's far LESS delicate since he is moved out. It's done. Delicate was all the walking on egg shells and BS leading up to the split right?
I'm not saying this is right to do, but if you really feel your boundaries have been intruded upon, I could see stating something along the lines of "I wasn't asking for your critique or advice on what I should do. I was informing you of what I'm GOING to do. Either you are willing to parent our daughter or not." It's your call and it has to be made with prayer and support from your support network. Don't doubt yourself or decend into argument or pot shots if you do wind up stating this boundary though. That will be hard. I guess I'm saying is - to avoid further resentments, it might help to make it clear that comments about your choices are not welcome from him (he will do it or not but at least you've stated they are not welcome, helpful, or useful), and that if you had your way, there would probably be plenty of things he would have done differently to avoid ever being in this "delicate situation" but since you are split now, neither of you needs to comment on the others choices. If he has a concern over your daughter, he can talk to her about it. I don't want you to invite a fight or argument, but like you, I can't stand bullies and the best way to deal with them is typically to be assertive without picking a fight (easier said than done I know).
Thank you all for your support and words. A good friend of mine wrapped it up succinctly and gave me a good mental mantra to think to myself when this happens: "Don't let him f**k with your good life!"
I guess it's predictable that the more I detach, the more he tries to hold on in his anxious, controlling ways. The work for me is to how to not let it affect me so much. I'm also thinking about the Peanuts cartoon and how the teachers would just say "WA WA WA WA WA" but it was irrelevant.
Part of the acceptance process and really seeing reality is accepting the pain of the real situation. I guess that's where I am now. But I'm moving in a new good direction and I thank you all for being here to listen and support and encourage.
Aloha Nora...you're growing and it is easy to recognize....Yay. For me when I am in the "what do I say what do I do" period I will often go to the slogans..."Keep it simple" because before the longer I went on and on with my alcoholic/addict the more negative I got and felt. "Thank you" is as simple as it gets and then I hang up. Anything else like "Thank you...see you later" has (for me again) an invitation to continue a conversation I really want to end. I see what he's doing as not caring but controling which isn't necessary because you got good control yourself. You go girl!! and then turn it over to your higher power which he isn't...take he off of the pedestal before he falls all over himself and gets hurt. lol In support ((((hugs))))
Oh yes, Nora, I hear the Charlie Brown adults doing that in my head, too, whenever my AH gets started on something. It helps me with detachment. You've gotten lots of great advice and I just wanted to come on her and send you some love and support!
