The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
At Easter this year I was given a last minute second-hand invitation to my brother's house (out of state) and could not get everything together in time to go, nor was I going to accept it. So I stayed home. They all knew how hurt I was but I was really not surprised - I have known for a few years that I've been the family scapegoat since I was 12, used up and thrown away, an adult child with no boundaries in my own personal life that has caused me absolutely devastating consequences.
My narcissistic father and mother know I know now. They refuse to get any help (why should they when I allow it to continue?)
the status quo is that after this happens, there is a period of silence where they have sucked the power out of me and they go along living their lives with each other and out in their fancy lives, having gotten relief, and I am left in all of my psychological pain. Of course I can't set boundaries with anyone else.
Later on, they act as though nothing has ever happened. My part: so many years of this (where i was in denial about it until 2 years ago) has left me so depleted I can't sleep (and therefore earn a living) so I am given a place to live and a car to drive and some spending money to supplement the SSDI I am on. But in all of my exhaustion I only exist, with no relationships or sleep.
after the Easter episode I took I good look in the mirror and saw how old and beaten up I look. I was so beautiful and capable. I decided that no matter what, i would not tolerate this again. So I have been looking for a job and housing and showing up for Alanon.
3 days ago my mother emailed me saying its been so long since we talked and how are you?! I didn't answer. I'm just too afraid. Last night night my father emailed me demanding I answer my mother and "since they feel responsible for my well-being", he needs to hear from me or he'll cut off my spending money.
I didn't respond.
so today I'll continue looking for work. I just hope it's in time, because you KNOW he's going to strip me of everything until I'm homeless, one item at a time.
The alcoholic in me says this is all my fault and I should answer them and tolerate it and get a job anyway (Except I can't sleep when I do this!)
The Christian in me says if I am saving them ill keep saving others and be of no use to God.
The wounded inner child in me says Protect yourself, stand up to your father so you can make it through this world.
i feel guilty But more than that I'm terrified.
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Tuesday 7th of May 2013 06:49:35 AM
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Tuesday 7th of May 2013 06:56:21 AM
...and what does the innermost, empowered part of you say after an honest collaboration with your higher power? It sounds like you are some right actions and letting the disempowering voices (mom, dad and yours) muddle you up. When I have been in these places, I tell myself to put my big girl panties on and get crackin'! Each day is a fresh start, so carry on today
I think that I agree and would also listen to the" still small voice within". I would just respond to my parents that I am fine and all is well. I have found that small voice is very powerful.
The night my son passed, I went into his room with a glass of water and was about to start my usual lecture about taking care of himself, I then sensed "Still Small Voice within whispering: ,"Be quiet, just give him the water, say goodnight and that you love him" . I did just that. Fell immediately asleep and when I woke up he was gone
Betty thank you so much for trusting us enough to share that with us. My heart breaks for you and I also know what a woman of dignity and strength you are, continuing to give Alanon all you can. I am so happy you followed that voice that night. For you and everybody involved.
My latter steps sponsor who was the family scapegoat also, said to me once, "I never left my mother and father." He said they never changed but they APPEARED to have changed to me." He also told me, "your PRIDE is why you can't sleep! Tolerate them!"
Many women in AA have told me to cut ties with my parents but this sponsor who taught me love and tolerance (with proper boundaries) is the voice I heard today, after I aired out all my stuff here.
He said his mother would honour his brother-in-laws request not to invite him to Thanksgiving, otherwise the b-I-L refused to go and my sponsors mother would say to my sponsor, "I'm sorry but if you come, your B-I-L won't so I have to uninvited you." My sponsor said he sucked up the pain and got busy making the turkey for the Alanonathon or Alkathon.
I love this forum...I get to participate in recovery conversation as much as I want. Your posts inspire me and I appreciate the wisdom you shared from your other sponsor. With family members, it is a tough call to make sometimes. When I wanted to run, I am thankful I did not, then there were the times I am glad I kept a physical distance. I am better at listening to the deepest part within, which I call my God voice and so thankful I found it. Have a great day and good luck on your job search..the perfect one is just waiting for you. big hug
One shocking day I did not recognize the reflection staring back in the mirror. It was an overweight, sad girl who did not love herself. Another shocking day I did recognize the reflection staring back at me in the mirror, I just had not seen her in a long time. It was a slightly thinner, healthy, happy girl laughing who did love herself.
Happy Job Hunting and Good Luck With Your Plan! I call it taking FLYing lessons. First Loving Yourself!
Hi working, when I read your posts I can see things from your parents point of view in a way because I have been an enabler like they are to you. I often feel my son is the scapegoat and your words often seem to be like his. I hope this helps but I have been removing things from him too and he is actually homeless but I feel as if I am giving true love to him for the first time ever. I am taken away his soft landing I am allowing him his consequences, not to be horrible like he thinks but because I know he has it in him to save himself. When I step in and give/save I am sending him a message that he is a victim and I am the superior rescuer. he resents me for this. So it had to end and I truly believe I will have a more equal, healthier relationship. Take what you like.x
You have been stuck with this problem for a while. I am praying for a change for you because you deserve it. You are a good person and don't deserve to suffer like this. If you were not suffering with the sleep and medical issues, I'm betting your family issues would largely resolve.
I wanted to be a hero yesterday. My sponsors experience isn't my experience. The truth is my father is a very sick abusive dry drunk who has full control over me financially and I can't find a way out because I'm so exhausted from being controlled by him since I was 12 That i cant sleep. He has my life set up right now so I'm isolated - and will actually become PHYSICALLY ill (too much to go into but believe me - that's the truth...Lucifer is a very powerful force...he needs me to be in this position so he can keep his position.)
Until I find a way financially to be free I will repeat patterns of being fragile and inviting in hostility and abuse from others around me, setting no boundaries against all the abuse I continue to take.
That is why I did all this work, to see that, and until I get out from under my fathers control nothing will change.
Some say a job isnt the solution but for me its a pathway to freedom AT THE SAME TIME AS GETTING TO A LOT OF MEETINGS AND WORKING MY RECOVERY PROGRAM. I dont know how i'll do it exhausted. I am going to have to push myself and try.
This is the devastation of the Adult Child syndrome. Many die before they can ever get out. I hope I can get out first.
Love WIT
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Wednesday 8th of May 2013 07:25:43 AM
Wti, I hope you get that job soon because if your father is keeping you in the victim role then I can imagine your self esteem will be low too. For me a job has many benefits. I like the routine of working, I like to know what my day looks like otherwise I tend to get down. I also think that your life will open up more and you will have less time to dwell on your family issues. Financial independence is really important for me, for my own pride and self respect so I understand how you feel trapped. Good luck with job hunting.x
Great insights...is there any kind of work you can do just to get you out? Even a few hours a week will help to build your sense of self worth and get some energy flowing. This isn't al anon, but I heard this somewhere..when the amish pray, they move their feet. I like it...
In re-reading my posting from this morning, I hope I didn't hurt anyone. Of course we all affect each other in this world, that's how it goes.
In my case my parents have known for years that Alanon is available to them and as an Adult Child who had the willingness to get sober no matter what (that was MY responsibility), it would be so helpful if my parents went to Alanon, but I don't expect it. Also, my father is well aware if what he is doing and he knows I'm aware of it now too, and he knows how hurt I am and the absolute devastation it's caused in my life - and instead of doing any work of any type on himself and showing even himself that he cares one iota about his daughter, he becomes MORE abusive. Demanding that I be, do and say what he wants me to be, do and say -- OR ELSE he will cut my weekly monies immediately. So he knows he'a made me sick and he knows he's got me. It's so hurtful I can't even begin to tell you.
But to the Solution now...PP, yes, I am spending most of my time looking for something part-time that is real simple to start with. I hope it will be enough to get into a roommate or other situation. I have no credit at all, so hopefully someone will accept me. I'm looking at every option there is for work and housing and I'm praying. I can't imagine this isn't Gods will for me but I don't know.
I do believe that when I'm free everything will change.
It's not to punish my parents, it's so I can stay alive.
