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I have made the decision to cut off contact with my alcoholic and meth-addicted father. He is lost in paranoid, meth-psychosis delusions of persecution, and only wants to talk about those. Every time we speak on the phone, we get into an argument and he verbally abuses me because I do not believe his fantasies, telling me I am a bad daughter, a traitor to my country, etc. Communicating with him is helpful for neither of us, so I have decided to stop speaking with him. Whenever I talk to him, I am left feeling guilty and upset for days afterward. He is very manipulative and verbally abusive. However, cutting him out of my life isn't so easy, either. I feel tremendous guilt. I know he feels that I have abandoned him even before taking this step (he has told me, in no uncertain terms and not very nicely), and I can't help but feel that is doesn't have long to live, abusing his body with alcohol and drugs the way he does. Being an alcoholic in recovey myself, I feel I should have more sympathy for him, and my sponsor tells me I should be an "example of AA," but I do not feel comfortable telling my dad that I am in recovery, as he will use that against me. I also cannot get in a word edgewise with him, as he only talks about himself. I don't feel it is my responsiblity to be his sponsor, and he does not like the program of AA.
I know I should go to Al Alon or ACOA meetings, but I go to so many AA meetings at my sponsor's behest I don't have time left to do so, due to work and other activities (I work irregular hours and volunteer). I know she wouldn't let me cut back on AA to go to "outside" meetings. I have friends outside of AA I can talk about my dad with who are sympathetic, but none of them have an alcoholic parent so while they can sympathize, they do not know exactly what I am going through. I am feeling so confused and bewildered.
Hi. I don't know how many meetings you attend for AA or what your schedule is, but Your last paragraph, first sentence seems to have the advice you are requesting. As a recovering Alononic, I am very, very grateful to what my home group calls "double winners" at F2F meetings.
Although your sponsor is there to help you grow through the steps, they can't decide or determine for you how many meetings to attend. They can only suggest. You get to choose how much of their suggestions you're going to take and how much you'll leave.
As far as volunteering, I'm not sure what you do or how many hours a week you volunteer, but as the Director of a Non-Profit, I'd rather have calm, healthy and happy people doing what they need to do for themselves first than stressed out people who want to take better care of themselves but are afraid of disappointing me or letting me or the organization down.
I'm sure whatever you decide to do about meetings will result in outcomes perfect for you and the growth you want to experience. Good luck.
Being in recovery yourself, you may recognize that it is not the enablers who show us the consequences of our addictions, but those who set real boundaries and don't put up with our excuses and manipulation. Even apart from preserving your own mental health, the very best thing you can do for your father is to refuse to engage in his deceptions and distortions. When you talk on the phone despite his addictions, he can pretend to himself that it's all fine and his behavior doesn't affect anyone. He is desperate to keep this delusion going. When you draw the line and refuse to engage, he is left face to face with his addictions and their consequences. That is why he is trying to move heaven and earth to keep you entwined with him and his terrible choices.
It makes tools and practice to draw those healthy boundaries. That's what Al-Anon helps with. It could be argued that to ease the stress levels on you and give you helpful tools to handle this situation, Al-Anon could be a lifesaver in your recovery. If you can't get to one meeting a week, there are online meetings here. Many many people have developed the skills to handle addicted family members and achieve a serenity they never thought possible. I hope you'll keep coming back.
Hi! I understand about your feelings of not wanting to talk to someone full of delusional and psychotic thinking, my a/a daughter is the same, she tries very hard to make me agree and understand what she is trying to say. She love to talk about ghost and angles & etc. showing up in the last 3 apts. she's lives in, tried to show me a picture she had taken of a ghost. She got upset when I refused to look.
I finally had to detach almost completely from her, it was impossible for me to maintain any semblance of serenity with her or around her.
I'm learning prayer is about the only thing I can offer my love ones while they are active in their disease. It's roaming around seeing who it can kill and destroy! My love ones when they are controlled by this terrible desease are my worst enemies.
I agree, you would benefit from attending al-anon meetings. I personally think meth is one of the worst drugs you can use. We know they are all bad.
Gettingitright!!
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Just go a step at a time, one day at a time. And you'll find a rich, thankful life you never thought you could afford.--A Rogers
Aloha Sobergirl...welcome to the board. You sound "qualified" to be in Al-Anon from my experience which also includes dual membership and years of experience. Grateful2be's ESH hits it right on the head for me and is very remenisent of how my early sponsorship directed me to find and use what ever it was that would support me gaining and maintaining my sobriety and serenity. I am responsible for my recovery and my recovery outsomes which means I make decisions on what is best for me as directed; and I was directed very well. If your relationship with anyone jeapordizes your recovery...step back from the threat and hang out with your HP and recovering community. Guilt and shame are choices...any emotion is a choice. Since you didn't cause your fathers cross/addiction and can't Control or Cure it...you're done because that is a HP job. The insanity you are getting back from him is usual for trying to deal in an abnormal situation with normal expectations and boundaries. I hasn't worked in the past, doesn't work now and won't work in the future. Loving detachment is a gift tool for both you and he.
As an Al-anon sponsor, who has attempted to sponsor members of both AA and Al-anon; AKA double winners, I understand it is a harder adjustment to make. In my experience with other AA/Al-anon members, I have heard others tell me in AA they are taught to get out of their heads, (where can I be giving type of thinking, etc & understandable given certain circumstances) whereas Al-anon sort of focuses on the opposite. We begin by giving to ourselves. It gets a little confusing at times because it is a bit different (or so I have heard only; I have never attended AA so that part is not my experience, only me sharing experience that's been shared with me, etc.). However, in all fairness, I also know Al-anon is painful for some; it was for me. It's a process of looking into ourselves. This is never quick and never easy, but it is worth every minute of struggle to experience the joy and healing that comes afterward. Habits of avoidance of self through the bottle, substance, or whatever else are hard to break. What it all comes down to is this, how ready are others to dig deeper. It's a scary process and path of becoming self aware, but it's one we never have to walk through alone. This is my own experience only, but I remember for me, I found many reasons why I couldn't attend or didn't need to attend Al-anon or didn't even need to try it to see if it was for me. What I've since learned is we make excuses for things we can't do yet; it wasn't my time and I hadn't reached a point of becoming entirely ready. I didn't feel I could attend yet, etc. Still, I knew where the door was if and when I needed it. Eventually I walked through the door and continued to do so since that first day several years ago. Others know where it is too, they will get there if and when they are ready. in the meantime, agreed, keep coming back and sharing ~
I didn't start exploring alanon until I had a stable AA foundation. I had to work on getting more stable footing. My alcoholism was and still is the biggest problem and what I need the 12 steps for. Hence, AA is always going to be primary. If I had an AA sponsee who was relatively new to the program or less than a year sober, I would also suggest to them that they pay attention to 1 program at a time for the year and AA is going to save your life so.... later on, alanon will give you more of your sanity and serenity. There is no rush. There is also no harm in checking out alanon, but saving your own butt comes first.
I cut off contact with active alcoholics and users as part of my AA program. I am grateful that didn't involve any immediate family members, but that lifestyle was so painful and so inconsistent with what I was trying to do that I couldn't be constantly exposed to it. For me, I would totally support you backing off your dad for whatever length of time needed. Being an "example of AA" is great, but it doesn't sound like you have enough sobriety time to sell the AA program right now. Sounds more like you are figuring out your own boundaries and how to protect your sobriety (which is more important - save yourself first to be of any service to others). Later on, you may be in a more confident place and maybe you will not feel like your dad can hurt you so much. At that point it might help to wear your program in your endeavors with him and to show him how it works so that it might work as a tool of attraction (the way AA is supposed to work). BUT - even then, it's not your duty and it's not really wise to try and 12th step your own dad. Too close...
So - for now, my suggestion would be to protect your sobriety and follow your gut (HP). If you look around AA, I would guess that about half of the folks there have an alcoholic parent. Yes, ACOA is helpful, but you can find peers who understand and know what you are going through in AA also.
If you feel stable enough in your recovery, do whatever feels right regarding Alanon or ACOA.
