The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I decided to tell my mother that my ABF is in rehab. I knew I should have kept my mouth shut! She really laid into me over the phone. She called him a loser and kept asking me why I felt the need to stay in this relationship and support him, etc. She kept telling me about all of the bad decisions that I've made over my life. I asked her to please support my decision, and she started in with "haven't your father and I always supported you?" (They are currently assisting with my son's day care payments while I finish school). She also wanted to know "who is the first person you call when there is a problem?" I said that it's my dad. She agreed and then said that she thinks I'm making a mistake, and that I have too much on my plate already (single parent with a 3 y/o, school, trying to find a job/pay bills, etc.), that his parents need to support him, blah blah blah...
Once she called him a loser, I said goodbye and hung up. I sent her an email a short time later, saying that I was feeling really angry. I thanked her for reminding me of all of the bad decisions I've made in my life, and said I have no idea how or why I became co-dependent and feel the need to help people. I also said that I felt grateful that my BF decided to get help for his disease, and that I supported him in his recovery. I told her that I understood if she could not support my decision, but that I would appreciate it if she could refrain from name calling.
She just emailed me back to let me know that my son is a gift and deserves good role models and that inviting my BF into my life may only serve to drag me down too. She wants to know where my time to nuture my son will be if I'm spending all of my energy on my BF. She thinks that having my BF come back to my house after rehab is not a good decision and that he is an adult and not my responsibility.
How can I make her understand that my son has not and will not suffer because of this? I feel so angry with myself for not being able to keep my mouth shut! I guess I won't be telling my BF any of this when he calls me this week.
I'm going to try my best to attend tonight's online meeting, but I'm not sure I'll be able to make it because of bath time / bed time.
Sounds like your Mom is tired of drama and is concerned for both you and for your child. And - as the ex-wife and mother of addicts/alcoholics - I can certainly understand your Mom's concern. As a woman who has loved a man with addiction issues, had children who were afflicted with the same disease and lived in the insanity of our toxic relationship (him an addict, me an untreated codependent) during the marriage and after the divorce, I can understand your feelings and hopes, too. Alcoholism is a family disease that affects everybody in different ways, but it does affect us and it does affect our children.
Al Anon, Al Anon literature, open meetings at AA, and this board will be helpful to you and I'm glad to see you posted on this board. Good luck and lots of kudos to you for your willingness to finish school and to learn more about alcoholism.
I am so sorry that you have been hurt and your mom appears to not support you new decision about your Boyfriend. Unfortunately, I am afraid I did the same when I saw my son start down the wrong road with a new girlfriend (drinking partying after being in AA for 12 years ) I thought if I pointed out her failings, his responsibilities that he would see the light and change . It did not happen. He actually told me that every time I said anything bad about her "It hurt his heart and he would retreat farther from me and my ideas." I had to examine my motives as to why I kept insisting the he hear me , then I knew I must hear him him and stopped It was his life his choice.
It sound as if your mom and dad are supportive and do care for you and your child. They want the best for you and are expressing how they feel. Alanon has taught me that everyone is entitled to their opinions and they do not have to agree with me. I can keep an open mind on what they say, make sure that my child is receiving positive support and love, share that with them and take what I like and leave the rest.
