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My 22 yr old daughter moved in with me today. Im happy with this. I have not lived with her since she was 17/18. She chose to stay with her Dad when I left. She is a hard working girl, well balanced considering she is the child of an alcoholic. Anyway, her stuff is here and now I am feeling unbalanced, a bit anxious. My son, who I wont let live with me, is homeless, it seems to go from bad to worse. He stayed with a friend then his Dad and now another friend. My daughter has witnessed my sons bad behaviour over the years and she swears she will never live with him again. All of a sudden I feel pressure. I have been offering support to my son, he has came here for the odd shower and meal and I have sent him away with shopping. I know this sounds so heartless, I feel awful. The last time he came, last week, he refused to leave, we had a bit of an argument and he slept on the couch. He was sober and I know I should have called the police but he left the next day. He knows he cant stay with me. Anyway, my youngest son told his sister about this and she is already saying that we cant let him in. I am feeling a bit mixed up with things again. I felt I was maintaining my serenity, just about. I have been dealing with things my way but now I feel under pressure to not allow my son any access to my home. I dont know if I am there yet. Its scary. Thanks for listening.
Honestly, it's your house, not hers. If she doesn't like your rules then she can leave, right? The question is, what is right for you when it comes to boundaries you have set around your son? Maybe having your daughter there will help you stay strong in setting and keeping boundaries or maybe it will cause more dissention among your kids? only you know your kids well enough to know how they might act/react.
It sounds like you are in a tough situation. Sending you lots of prayers and support today!
Remember nothing will ever change unless you keep your boundaries. Go back and everyone will think MOM will be there no matter what I do. She will come through..she always does.
It's really tough to make the hard decisions but I'm sure you will do what is best for you and your family.
Sending prayers your way my friend...
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
It sounds as if your daughter is feeling anxious and unbalanced, too. She hasn't lived with you for several years and doesn't know what will happen while with you. She hasn't experienced it yet since she became an adult.
And no...you don't sound heartless in relationship to your son. You sound like a Mom with a son who isn't in recovery and doesn't seem to want to make any changes with regard to recovery right now? I've been there with you - feeling like a cold-hearted person because I wouldn't take my son back in or pick him up to take him to a hospital because he said he had frostbite even though he was about a two block walk from the hospital and the shelter manager where my son was staying let me know my son was not suffering from anything but self-will. He knew exactly how to push my buttons and was trying to manipulate me into letting him stay with me again where I would provide food, shelter, a clean bed and he could continue his drinking, drugging and sexing while acting like a maniac off and on. I don't think there are many of us Moms on this board who would not let our kids home if they weren't trashing their lives and wanting to trash ours, too.
I agree with the other posters - it's your house, you can have boundaries, but it is also true that your daughter has had a hard time with your homeless son. I didn't learn until much later all that my son had put my daughter through in his progressive disease and we weren't even living together when it all happened. Siblings don't always let parents know the whole story about what is going on with them. If your daughter is stable, working and seems balanced, I think I'd pay attention to her concerns.
I know the codependent feelings, my active, out of control daughter hates that my son and I have a healthier relationship than we do. I tell her that he doesn't ask me for $, food or rides etc. every time he call. She knows when he was active in his disease I treated him the same way. She tries to con me with this, I'm learning to stand firm on boundaries.
Gettingitright!!
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Just go a step at a time, one day at a time. And you'll find a rich, thankful life you never thought you could afford.--A Rogers
HI el-cee. I think I understand a little more about this now. It I'm wrong, please discard what I'm saying.
Has this son always been the "Bad One?" If how was he the most sensitive as a kid even though you might have never thought so? Was he the smartest/most capable/most talented/strongest?
if my hunch is right, he doesn't want a couch for a night or food to be sent on the road with. He might want Love, and to not be ccompared to his sister.
Yes Wti my son is a sensitive person and always has been. He modelled himself and sought approval from his a father, and me being affected by alcoholism with distorted thinking, thought his father wasnt giving him what he needed in terms of love and guidance so I overcompensated and ruined his lovely nature by over indulging him until he grew up to be a spoiled, self centred child of an alcoholic and messed up mother. I cant go back and change this but I do know that I did the best at the time. I truly believed I was doing the best I could as a mother. However, I went from enabling his father to enabling him. Today, with 1 yr of Alanon under my belt I believe I am now loving him the correct way. I am not enabling his unhealthy, drinking and drugging lifestyle. I dont give him money and I have given boundaries that he constantly tested until I realised that I must stop this pattern. I want nothing more in the whole world than to have my son back as part of our family in a healthy way. Everyone misses him because he is a kind, loving, beautiful boy who turns when he drinks into a bit of a monster. I have thought that he has been the black sheep, the one that gets the blame and I have obsessed about him for years and in turn his siblings are edgy around him too. This is not a good thing and that is why I have taken this drastic action to not have him here with me. Believe me my mind and body ache for him, hes my son and this is the most painful period of my life but I need to get this right because hes 20 now and I want him to have a future. Thank you for taking the time to read my posts, I hope I havent offended you, I am grateful for your take on this.x
I also want my son around me and enjoy him....but like you I can't right now. Even at 35 he has a long life ahead of him if he chooses. I just want a healthy, productive, loving son.
If we don't let go what will be their future. We have to find out NOW....not later.
((((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Cathy its so hard.I cant help wondering if hes safe, warm. Has he eaten. I want to check up on him but I cant because I dont want to be manipulated and i also dont want to hear any bad news. I also dont want him to think I dont trust him. Oh I dont really know what I think I just know i cant stop thinking about him, its so painful. My heart feels like its broken. It sounds dramatic. I hate the weekends and I think hes got money. Im going to bed. Goodnight.x
