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The post about the whole obsessivness of it all .. boy did that get me thinking this AM. I really have to bring myself into the present and remember if I am so focused on what he is or isn't doing I'm not paying attention to my own needs and what I need to be doing.
I will be soooo very happy to get this divorce behind me so I can move, I mean that literally and figuratively .. right now until things are finalized I feel stuck where I am at and unfortunately what he continues to do completely affects the kids when they are with him. My whole life is rotating around the kids first, the divorce second, and then in a close thrid what he is doing or not doing.
Umm .. what's wrong with that priority list and I KNOW better geeze!! So this week I like the fact I can make a choice to reprioritize, change my focus, and make sure that I'm taking care of me .. because when I do that I do soooo MUCH better!! I have to remember if it's good for me it's good for everyone around me. I'm not talking about selfish things, .. I'm talking about everyday life things. When I feel better .. I look better, when I am focused on my own needs my house is cleaner, God is truly in control .. I mean I look at how things have played out and each time God has guided me to do something and my will is not in there forcing the hand that has been dealt to me. Seriously .. things go sooo much better.
My children need a father however they don't need an empty shell of a body who just goes through the motions. His priority is drinking, who he's drinking with, when he's going to get the next drink. At some point he may be able to step fully up to the plate .. right now the more he is with them the more damage he inflicts .. it's just not healthy for them. My daughter comes home so very angry and it takes me about an hour to get her to finally get it all out .. even then I feel like she's holding back. My son who is younger struggles with why his dad isn't like other dads. No anger yet .. just confusion and I've heard some terrible misoginistic things come out of that boys mouth. He's getting that from his dad.
He's back to talking about moving out, into a house no less. He actually brought them into what happened on Sunday which was a BIG BIG NO NO .. here it was I shielded the kids from that situation and he busted the door down BIG time. He's making all these promises that at this point his butt can't cash. If he acts on what I think he's going to do .. which is highly probable .. there is going to be so much crap raining down on him it's going to be very ugly. He won't see the light of day for a very long time to come. Then I remember something .. outside of bringing the kids into a situation that they don't need to be stressing about .. the rest of it .. none of my business. The courts will step in and take care of the rest of it. Soooo very sad to watch. I really don't know what he's thinking at this point, .. again .. if I need to know I will know.
Possibly this summer everything will be finalized .. somehow I don't know if I can get that lucky .. we will see. I keep thinking May 2014 .. it's really kind of crazy to say the least.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Dear Pushka: Thanks for sharing your ESH this am. Although my circumstances are different than yours, I certainly needed the reminder to take care of myself first and to get my mind off what others are doing or not doing. I've been ruminating this am over job-related issues that I have no control over and don't see a solution to help resolve what has been a longstanding experience for me. I plan on retir ing in the next 6 months or more, but I'm not sure I'll even make it to that time. There is no "walking away" cleanly from the dysfunction that I see or experience for now AND your experience has helped me see what I can do to clean up my side of the street. Thanks for a Sunday morning gift.
You have awesome awareness and insight sister! You know what needs to be done and you have a big handy dandy tool box that will help you get there. Keep on keeping on. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I understand completely; I think it's so very difficult to get to the decision to move on in the first place, then the interim until it actually takes place is excruciating. I'm in a similar place--have asked for June 1 moveout; my H is in the house still and we are on a roller coaster of acceptance of the situation, anger, fighting it, pleading, 'this time will be different', the whole nine yards.
I hope you have lots of support around you--you know you have it here! Stay strong and try to focus on your needs as you have said...everything positive will come from there.
At least for now, you recognized where your priorities are and in what order they are in, and you know that you can fix that. Sometimes I believe we do have to put ourselves behind our kids, when their welfare is at stake. You're doing all the right things. I will pray for you and for the divorce to be final as soon as possible so that you can move forward. I'm so sorry that the kids are hurting. My son luckily hasn't picked up on dad's misogynistic crap, but it's unbelievable the stuff my AH says in front of him. Craziness at it's finest sometimes.
It is tough being a single parent....being the responsible one....being the sane one. However, you DESERVE a rich and fulfilling life. What actions are you taking towards that today? He is a giant distraction. Yes, his actions and misactions are affecting you and legitimately so, but they do not stop you and can't stop you from developing further into the kickass independent, well educated, confident, secure, dynamic woman that you have been on a path towards becoming since you entered into this recovery. No matter how much distraction and BS he is involved with or creating.....You make sure to keep growing and doing what you need to. The further you progress into being the miracle that you are, the less it will even matter what the heck he does.
It's the Pushka show now - not the epic trainwreck STXAH show. If it goes in that direction - quickly change the channel back!
My dear Pushka - my heart goes out to you, my sister. You and I are walking the same path and I promise you, it gets BETTER! Although there are times I get lonely being on my own, it's good for us AlAnoners to get to a place where we are happy, healthy and strong. Sometimes, that means taking a break from the craziness and I am starting to find comfort in the quiet. I am praying for you ... don't forget, take care of YOU!
I really hate when my life is in limbo - for two years now my life has been mostly free except... yah, the motorcycle - still keeps me from feeling really free, me paying on it, working 15 hours to do so, him enjoying it, him drinking and riding it, my name being linked to it, my finances in shambles because of it, my future (should he wreck it on somebody else and they sue me) in jeopardy because of it. I HATE being in limbo, don't you?
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
LMH .. every time you mention that motorcycle I laugh to myself and think .. yes .. limbo .. it's not just a state of mind it's a way of living. It's hard to live wondering .. ok .. well I could do this except I can't do that because .. UGH!!! No I don't like limbo at ALL.
Pink - I have had the biggest laugh over that statement of the Pushka Show .. I wonder if I could make any money at that?? I am looking into writing a book right now and we'll see. Truth is far stranger than fiction to say the least. What I did do yesterday and this weekend, .. my daughter had a sleep over we had a lovely time. Her friends are seriously FUNNY!!! My son had his music program .. that was amazing the kids all did a great job!! I am working like a crazy woman to clean things up around here and I hired someone to come in and help out in the yard .. that was a gift to say the least!! Sooo .. I am still taking care of me!! Slowly .. I am taking care of me .. once the divorce is cleared up I should be able to move on because I will be able to move out of state. I am sooo hoping that is the case. I'm ready to move on is putting it mildly. I just want to get everything in order, know what I want to ask for and just go straight to trial .. I'm DONE. I'm done dealing with a system that continues to reward bad behavior.
Today I'm just trying to get my brain screwed back on straight and hope that in the long run things will just work themselves out.
Hugs P :)
PS - Thanks for all of the support .. there have been many days I didn't know if I could make it, .. now I'm starting to see that YES .. I can.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
