The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm doin the best I possibly can to walk away from him when he's drinking. He got off at lunch and been drinking all day. Decided he would camp outside with our son and they set up tent. He kept goin back to store for thinks they need marshmallows etc. I said I was gonna let them have boy time and I went in house to watch tv. He kept calling and txting and sending our son in beggin me to come back out. Finally our little boy (8yrs) tracks dog poo all through the carpet. And starts screaming at me - I lost it !!!!! I mean full fledge lost it!!! I threw the rug over fence - my AH is laughing at me having to clean up. that degrading laugh like I'm nothing.... Now I lost it screaming At my AH My little both is yelling I'm sorry mom. I said you shouldn't have been told to keep coming in the house it's not your fault.... Then I went to my daughters house. She's not home. I'm sitting on my couch ignoring my AH back to back phone calls and crying!!! I'm AH is hero dad and I'm a crazy person known as mom. I'm crying so hard my head is pounding.... I'm mad at myself for allowing this to happen. I'm mad at this heckle/Hyde life I've allowed myself to live. I'm mad at my hp because I'm trying so hard and I don't feel like he's there 1/2 the time. Heck I'm mad at the dog the crapped where my son walked through it!!! Did I forgot anyone!!! Mainly I'm mad at me!!!!! For still being here and still letting myself get caught up in this. oh. And I hate wkends cuz this is how they go!!!!!
__________________
..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
No real wisdom from me, except I have been the one that lost it many times while the A was calm and smirking. Their disease is so smart and manipulative and ours gets us to feel like the fool. It really is worse when there is a child there that doesn't get it and thinks that mommy has gone crazy. I am sorry. Get some rest and start fresh tomorrow.
__________________
Katfshh
~The most beautiful sunsets are made by cloudy skies~
Big hugs sweet, Do you have a sponsor??? I usually call mine when I'm in crisis mode. You were completely human; had a moment and now it's time to rest and be easy on yourself. It sounds like some major self care is in order. You are at a good start. Big hugs, p :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You are one woman doing the best she can with what she has to work with for now. He knows how to push your buttons that helps him feel powerful. Alcohol related or not, the man is crashing your boundaries and you've had enough of that. That is healthy.
I got to that place many years ago, dumping bags of trash on my physically abusive AH while he was in bed refusing to go to work or take out a week's worth of bags of trash containing dirty diapers from my 2 year old and my 3 mo old to the alley through our backyard in the dead of winter before the trash haulers came.
I had walking pneumonia, both kids were sick and he did nothing to help me with the children or the chores because he was too strung out to do anything but feed his addiction. He jumped out of bed - so surprised - he didn't even think to threaten me. In a tone of voice that he'd probably never heard, I said "You will clean up this mess. You will take care of these children. You will leave me alone until I have been able to sleep. Tomorrow, you will go to work and earn a living to provide for these children." Then, I went to bed. When I got up, the house was clean, the kids were cared for and he was still looking at me with surprise.
Within a few short months of that, I was guided to moving him out of the house in a way that wouldn't increase my likelihood of being beaten or the kids frightened, changed the locks on the doors, borrowed money to pay a lawyer, and divorced him. When I'd had enough - I'd had enough. Are you there?
I agree w Pushka...everytime I am 'losing it', even a quick text back and forth w my sponsor always helps a lot. Wishing you lots of strength, just know we have all been there in one form or another. So hard when our kids have to get into it, and so hard to keep them out of it--I have lived with that one too.
I hope the weekend gets better for you, they are toughest for me too! Who knew I would so look forward to work monday morning?? haha
stay strong my friend! i totally relate to the weekends being horrible! so horrible that i would schedule myself to work when my husband was off and schedule to be off when he was at work.
i hope you find some joy this weekend. it is a beautiful day here in south Louisiana for me.
Hi, Be gentle on yourself, this is the symptoms of being affected by alcoholism. We all know where you are. When I feel myself losing control I work through the steps and this always lets me identify the problem and then allows me to forgive myself for my shortcomings. I have heard the whole HALT thing also helps. Children of alcoholics often remember the behaviour of mum rather than the alcoholism of dad. Detachment with love is the key.x
We all fall short, Sweet. Take a deep breath and tell yourself that you are worthy of love and that your HP does love you. When my son did something similar I remember catching myself before I blew and asking myself what I was really angry at. Somehow I've learned, through this program, to get calm and tell myself that it's not the end of the world like my mind is making it out to be. I asked my son to go get the cleaning supplies and then I asked him to help me clean it up. Yet, I remember many years ago over going APE on my son when he spilled the milk carton all over the floor. Just plain old freaking out and my husband and son just standing there staring at me like I was crazy. Yes, I became crazy because I was living with insanity.
I do hope you get to do something restful for yourself this weekend. As LC said, be gentle on yourself and remember that none of us are perfect. We all make mistakes and also remember that kids forgive real quick so just hug that little boy, tell him he is safe and loved and have a great weekend!
Hugs!! i am so sorry that you are going through this. I have totally been there. I have been mom crazy mommy. Hell. sometimes I revel in it. Now my boys are 17 and 18 and we have a beautiful close relationship. Take care of yourself.
((((Sweeetr)))) What do you have in your literature rack at home that is CAL? Just adding my own ESH to the others. If I were where you are at now...it would be a 3 steps movement. 1 - 2 - 3...over and over until my system went level. ((((hugs))))
Courage to Change. One Day At a Time. Hope for Today. Any of the AA approved books that you can find at the AA website for Al Anon members. The Big Book is a good one for families to read, too. CAL means Conference Approved Literature.
