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Ok I'm frustrated and not going to al Alon . My AH sober 5 months final came clean to me last night.. He not only sick and twisted.. I have no more remorse for him at all.. I gave and gave and got nothing back in return that was good.. I was wondering why I was never getting responses back from family or friends and al Alon and the help from battered woman . Past 5 months have been the worst months of my 14 years married . The betrale I suffered from the affair the neglec the abuse verbal and mental . During the drinking and now being some what sober . Hmm makes me think ., he lets me no I'm sick and sicker than him . He makes it no all my mental issues!! Ok I get it I surrender my self ! I tryed al Alon , it not working!!!!!! This sick twisted ah dry I think sober man has mind picked me allowed me to have no friends no social sights . He still try's to play the I'm sick card!!! B s,,,, when he can sit there and tell me all he hates and how I should be more supported of him during his recovery!! The same man who states I'm sicker than him. I ask what more can I do for you???? He says you need to be a wife with a wink !! Sex . That's all this controlling man thinks . It's all about him.. This man has accused me of all kinds of poor behaviors that he did and found out he is still doing them. And now I see why I'm picked on and badgered daily because he not true to me or himself . He took my privacy away he made me have to find ways to reach out to ppl . Then he tampered with that! My phone don't ring anymore . My crys for help any advise I search for to better myself he invaded them . He has access my email accounts and used them against me . Pretended he was me and turn ppl against me. Interfered with my self help like this sight . He erased anything that could of helped me. What right does this sick twisted man have to take my only life support I have and that's ppl because I am ms co dependent!!! He isolated me from every one . He has become a controlling person . Tell me is this alcoholic behavior ??? Oh the list of violations can go on and on!! I need a cheerleader squad to help me fight my way to get better!!
Alcoholism is all about control, an alcoholic needs a co-dependant it justifies their disease and gives them a feeling of power. Dry drunks can be even more difficult to deal with than when they are drinking, you don't say if your AH is in recovery, but if not I hold out little hope for him.
Step 1 - I am powerless over alcohol, my life becomes unmanageable (in Al-Anon I add I am powerless over people, places and things)
Remember your AH is sick, physically, emotionally and spiritually and when we live with this behaviour we become sick. You have reached out for help and of course he cannot stand that, it threatens his world of drinking and denial, it threatens his ability to control and manipulate you.
I had a similar situation last year, my ex A gained access to my e-mail and internet accounts, he downloaded pornography and sent it to my Al-Anon friends as if it were from me. Luckily I found out quickly and mitigated the potential damage by warning people that my account had been hacked but it shows the length an A will go to to belittle and destroy just to justify and protect their sickness. He sees Al-Anon as a 'cult' that destroyed our relationship, I see it as a lifesaver, I honestly think I would not be here without Al-Anon.
You ask is this Alcoholic Behaviour and in my opinion the answer is a clear and resounding yes!
So I am not much of a cheerleader, but I urge you to try getting to an Al-Anon meeting, you will be with others who have or are walking the same path, who will not judge, who can provide true loving friendship and help you to see your way through the distress and pain that you are feeling.
I think we all find ourselves here because of our co-dependance, I have had to reach the latter stages of my life to realise that I have always looked for love in 'all the wrong places' - that my distorted thinking leads me to want to rescue others and that I might as well have 'ABUSE ME' in capital letters on my forehead!
In Al-Anon I am learning, it is not an easy journey but little by little I am finding the Experience, Strength and Hope to live my life free of the burdens of Co-dependance
Hi, Im sorry you are going through this. It sounds as if you are having a hard time. I cant offer you advice but I can tell you how my own experiences have been similar to yours. I thought of myself as a helpless victim. My thought processes were all wrong. For me the answer was ultimately Alanon because when I felt like you it was an inside job. It was my own mind that needed the help. My attitude, my self pity, my martyr behaviour. In a way I needed my A because he allowed me to carry on my bad behaviour. I blamed him for everything, I never once took a look at my own behaviour, in a way its a crazy kind of comfortable, its a cycle that goes on and on until - YOU decide to change it. I always thought my life will get better when - he stops drinking, he stops bullying me, he stops ruining my life! Really my life got better when - I stopped behaving like a victim, I grew up and took the blame for my part, it wasnt as hard as I thought because Alanon has taught me to yes face my own shortcomings but I forgive myself for these shortcomings. I have came out of a fog that seems so similar to your fog. Alanon does work please believe me, your life right now was the life of so many women here on this forum but they are free - if you truly want to be free then do what they have done. Read your daily reader, attend meetings with an open heart, work the steps. End the pity party for yourself.x
Dear friend: When I first started with Al Anon I think I really started it in some ways to change my alcoholic son into the kind of son I wanted him to be in addition to trying to avoid behaving the same ways with him I did with his addicted father. When he didn't change, I was angry and frustrated and hurt - not just with him but with almost every person in my life because they weren't behaving the way I wanted them to behave either. It took me awhile to realize that I had crossed over from trying to be the person everybody wanted me to wanting everyone in my life to be the people I wanted them to be. My main feelings with the changeover? Anger and frustration and hurt.
Currently, I am working on accepting my life, myself and the people in it as they are, listening to the healthy part of myself, and acting on its wisdom. I'm not good at it, but I'm getting better at it. I'm beginning to understand that who I am is okay and who others are is simply none of my business. Little by little, the people who have been in my life to help me learn this new lesson are leaving it and my life is filling up with people who are right for me now. To me now, recovering the true person that I am and letting the beauty and flaws of it shine is a never-ending process. One day at a time, those of us who have stepped up to the plate of recovery and are willing to go to any length to improve our quality of life enjoy the slow healing of progress, but not perfection.
You are doing just fine with what you have to work with now. One day at a time, you will heal and make progress. Applaud your effort - even if it is a tiny baby step towards a happier you. You've made progress.
Offering support to you too; it all can just be maddening, and I am reminded and almost have to comfort myself with an idea that I've heard in al-anon that 'living with an alcoholic is too much for most people'. All of us who have tried, or are trying, have gone above and beyond and the As know that big time. When my A realized I was participating in al-anon regularly, he said it was 'un-nerving'...I bet! Our As don't expect us to take care of ourselves first, we just have not been in the practice of doing that...but we have to.
For what it's worth, I try to go to those things that give me comfort when I'm feeling those bigtime frustrations....reading, running, cup of tea, reaching out to friends, family, work. Try to be productive, take care of you--and please know you have lots of support right here.
my heart goes out to you. i have been there with my husband. it is like living in the twilight zone. just unreal!
my experience has been when i finally figure out how deep I've fallen into depression, isolation, fear and anxiety from my husbands addiction and it's effecting me mentally and physically.......... i get out of harms way.
for me i had to learn to First Love Myself! so i'll be praying for you to learn to FLY - first love yourself!
