The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My H is putting in an application for an apt opening June 1; I have asked for this, knowing deep down I can no longer live with the ups and downs of active alcoholism. Last night he looked at me and said'well I guess I am going to put that deposit down tomorrow'; he is waiting for me to stop him...it's brutal. He says 'we have everything we need right here', and I think, 'yes so true!' Why has it been so very difficult?
Anyway, he asked for bank info today and I am trying to be strong; my sister and best friends reminding me that I have gone above and beyond in terms of chances, being supportive of sobriety effort etc but 'nothing changes if nothing changes' right?
Having a really hard time today--because I am making this call, I know if I didn't life would go on business as usual, andthat's no good, just very hard. I'm sure this is one very difficult day of many that I am about to face...
The hardest thing I have had to learn to try and do is say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean. Who knows what the future holds .. you said it when you said .. if nothing changes .. well .. nothing changes. At this point from what you have shared .. ask yourself .. what has really changed?
I have the right to take care of me. I have the right not to consistently be collateral damage in someone else's manipulative games. The victim role no longer suits my purpose. I would encourage you to write down why you came to the decision that you did and even how .. writing it out makes it so much easier to see how hard the whole situation is and that you do have choices that are right for you. List the pro's and con's of the relationship for yourself. How do you feel about yourself when you are in this relationship? Pro's Con's. What do you like about your AH? Pro's Con's. What do you like about yourself when you are in the relationship? Pro's Con's.
For me seeing this all in black and white, it gives me a clearer picture of am I living in reality when making decisions or is it fantasy of the if only's. If it's that whole well if only he would .. or MAYBE he's trying .. I need to step back and remember I need him to show me the recovery not tell me.
Again .. no one is going to tell you miracles can't happen .. at the same time .. take care of yourself first (remember the story of being on a plane) the plane has an emergency, you put your air mask on. No one says put the air mask on for the adult sitting next to you. Take care of you and allow the story to fall into place instead of forcing the puzzle pieces together .. my will always gets me into worse shape than I was in to begin with .. and that's the truth!!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I know exactly how you are feeling right now. I have given our alcoholic daughter until June 22 to leave our house. She has no job but has told me she is "has things lined up". Like you, I know nothing will change if she continues to live under our roof. This situation with her and all the drama that goes with it for the past 12 years has strained my marriage and our lives. Enough is enough; even though it means not seeing my grandson (possibly ever again). And yet.............what parent does this to a child? But as Pushka said, am I so hooked on the drama with "living" with an active A that living my life for myself is uncomprehendable? Have I ever given myself a chance to live life just for me?
I continue to pray for her, for our grandson and all the others out there in MIP land.
This is so difficult, and, I agree with Pushka when she suggested writing stuff out. I carried around a piece of paper in my purse where I had written out what qualities I needed in my husband and what the deal breakers were. When I began straying into my land of romanticizing, compromising, etc, I pulled out the piece of paper. I snapped back into reality quickly. Stay in the present moment as much as possible and you will get through this. Another thing I had to do was cut off all contact until I could get my footing. Stay on the path of recovery....
It sounds as if you don't have everything you need right there -- he doesn't have a willingness to do the hard work of real recovery. What he has is the determination to maintain that he can bring the chaos of alcoholism to the relationship and you should find that enough. "You won't give me a free pass," he's complaining. "You keep insisting that I be present in the relationship too. Isn't that sad?" He's manipulating right up to the last minute. That's what I see.
Hugs Yanksfan! You are holding together strong and it's beautiful to see you doing what you need to do for you. Remember, it's not a permanent solution, things can change and you may find answers that you need while separated. You got lots of great advice here so I encourage you to read all the responses carefully and know that we all support you here no matter what direction your life takes you!
Your courage is inspiring. I had trouble making similar decisions- and remember that even the right decisions for me didn't make me feel good. I also journal and find it tremendously helpful in many ways. Focusing attention on the facts helps. The bad feelings do fade and it helps me when I break things down, sometimes all I need to get through is one second at a time.
Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. The support is great; I know I have to stay strong, I love the idea of writing things down--I do feel a clarity about where we are even though it makes me sad, if that makes any sense?! It's true that H is waiting for me to change mind so that things can go on. I have heard a lot about how he knows he has to really change his life, take better care of himself etc etc but have not seen it.
Thank you for being here, it's like knowing there's a safety net waiting for you every time you feel like you're falling!
Just take it one day at a time. Remember nothing changes if nothing changes. You may find that when he has moved out you will get peace and serenity, valuable feelings.x
