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3 years ago I had something happen with a guy that brought me back a lot character assassination. But I did not respond to it because I knew I had a part in it and had hurt him. Maybe when it got too big I should have set a boundary, I don't know.
A lot of people used it to inate their egos (including my own AA sponsor who was the only person I had ever trusted with all of me and who I had done the steps with (alkies are great at "comparing suffering" and "who's doing better in recovery).
As time has gone on, some people who have heard I had victimized myself have continued to use it to see how far they can go with me - my relatives and even my own doctors and hospitals. There is a lot of gossip even from those institutions (probably because my father is a well-known guy in politics and public health.)
What really bothers me though is slander from within fellowship. There is ayoung lady who heard me speak at an AA meeting for the first time and right after that she began to gossip harmfully all over AA and our city, Trying to add fuel to the fire about what happened between the guy and me 3 years ago and saying I was "jealous" of her. *rolls eyes*
She also happene to be approaching her wedding so I think she had some fear of not getting what she wanted etc.
bottom line is, my reputation is so poor at this time that Im afraid it will affect any job or housing I get as I seek those things now for my own well-being. And it's certainly affecting my relatiomships with my doctors - everything! People are in pain out there and looking for someone to blame and I'm tired of it being me.
is it time for me to set some boundaries, or do I sit with God and use my 11th step to get peace - and let the Universe take care of it? Don't I have to protect my inner child that is so wounded? Or is this something to hand over to God?
What a very unhealthy environment that is. Sending prayers that you feel the love and comfort of your HP.
Why can't you do both? Set boundaries and allow HP to do his part as well? What is in your hula hoop? What isn't?
You know the truth, this other person knows the truth and God knows the truth. Maintain your integrity and try to remember that what other people think of you is none of your business.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
__________________
"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I'm so sorry. The fellowship is full of wounded people, and some of them have not progressed very far in recovery. "Hurt People Hurt People," as they say.
As for setting boundaries, remember that the only person we can control is ourselves. So denouncing the other person or trying to make them be different is not going to work. (If only it did! The world would be a lot different.) It generally is an exercise in getting us more frustrated. I also have found that every time I operated out of anger, even extremely justifiable anger, it somehow came back to bite me in the butt. Getting calm and then using that anger to help me figure out how to take the high road has been the only way forward that I haven't regretted later. However, the situation of reacting angrily and regretting it hasn't come up since ... er ... last weekend. So unfortunately my experience is fresh!
I am well aware that this is meant to discourage and frustrate me. These girls have tools - they're all well aware they can come to me if they truly have a problem...and they know gossip is baaaaaaad. It seems they have justified their behavior.
I'm going to deal with it the right way -- by getting out there and living my life regardless.
Sometimes people really don't understand how poor their behavior is for themselves and everyone around them.
I'm currently sorting out a similar situation, but outside of the rooms, where someone stepped over my boundary line. My part was giving more trust than was earned. (and I had thought I had it nailed this time! lol) I also need to continue to strengthen my relationship and trust in my HP- where I will more easily find serenity. Another component that I'm working on is not carrying the load that some one else dumps on me.
Reasonable people can have a discussion and resolution; irrational people automatically switch into shark attack - character assassination mode and block resolution unless it is on their terms only.
Whatever the reason for the crazy making- insincerity, insecurity, sadistic intent, control, etc , I have chosen not to ponder the "whys" and accept that it just "is" and am closing the chapter on what is now evident as an unhealthy situation.
At least, this time I was able to use Alanon tools to act and speak with integrity, dignity, and compassion. I did not take the bait for an argument.
I have many blessings and look forward to many more. I am learning ODAT. Thanks for your post- you're not alone.
Thanks for the share, Bud. So then when it got bad enough did you speak up? My situation is so widespread and had been going in for a few years...it just keeps getting worse.
I used to speak up for myself, but somewhere during the many years of marriage to my exAH, I became quiet.
In this situation, I did speak up, but not enough for my satisfaction.
When I first attended Alanon, there were people who broke confidence left and right. It happened at a few different groups. It was a horrible experience and I didn't return until a few years later- because there was no other place for me to go. I found many new people and the tone was more appropriate and very welcoming. When I am now uncomfortable at meetings, I ask the chair to discuss or enforce what ever needs to be brought back into a healthy balance. It seems to do the trick. Another thing I have done is suggest it as a topic for the meeting, or offer it (anonymously- no names mentioned) as a general share and incorporate that people's words and actions are a reflection of themselves, not the person being discussed. (Some people enjoy the drama of gossip- out of insecurity, boredom, etc- but I would think that few people think highly of someone who speaks poorly of others.) I hope this helps. I'm a work in progress too.
Thanks Bud. I identify with speaking up but not enough to our satisfaction. I realized that I often start to, but then I cave. Either I have to tolerate something or go all the way with a boundary.
My sponsor says I am going through the icky stuff and I'll come out the other side with a peace and tolerance for this type of stuff that's bothered me since Jr High School. So I'm with you on this!
For me, true recovery is when you actually dont care enough about other peoples opinions of you. 'What others think of me is none of my business' I can totally get that because we cant possibly know why others would be mean spirited, we dont know their pain so their opinions of me are not coming from a place of truth or love. Therefore I will be wasting my time even considering their views. Its so much more important to look at our own views of ourselves, what do we feel about ourselves?, work on forgiveness of yourself, leave others to whatever they feel, its none of your business. Sometimes when I look out at what others think of me its because Im searching for that comfortable victim mode, you know when you find things to feel sorry for yourself about. Look to your higher power for guidance and pray to have this removed, it is working for me slowly because I do feel like this too from time to time.x
Thanks el-cee. In my heart I do know this. I've been going back and forth about what to do and believe me, the people doing it are well aware of the pain Im in. But I also know its just them expressing themselves. They're trying to frustrate me. It's competition.
The way I "handle" this is by ignoring it and getting back to being of service for God. That's what they are trying to stop.
I don't have time to even think about this anymore.
Something had me find this thread again today
What a good one
Great help thanks
I look at my own writing to get a deeper insight to myself and what I see is in the very first sentence, it's sad that I was more concerned with this sociopath I had involved myself with than myself. "I hurt him"... Hard to read and typical codependency.
This is a good "practice with the tools" for me thread...grateful and it of course brought up memories of when along with during that when the sponsorship and recovery people I had around me. My sponsor gave me thought force to consider, "Don't react"!! "When in Doubt...don't"!! "Sticks and stones can break your bones AND words can really hurt you" (hated him for that one...lol), Use some positive manipulations which was fun because I learned not all manipulation is bad or wrong. It is a good tool to assure my balance. When faced with the gossip I could and would acknowledge it; right or wrong and then say something like "and you haven't heard the all of it either" and then turn and walk away. I could and would do an inventory with the story teller and ask them if they were somehow hurt by what was said and then I would shut up and listen. A good apology and/or amend will often extinguish the fire. And to there was there was the realization that I was a sick person talking to a sick person so empathy and compassion went a long way. There are soooo many tools to turn this around in recovery favor. Worked right often results in the end of all gossip. Of course if you're into some excitement the direct confrontation is a goodie. Take what you like and leave the rest. ((((hugs))))
That is a good question and Im not sure I know the answer that would be helpful to you. For me and probably a lot of others here, due to certain behaviours and choices made by the alcoholics in my life, my family and family name has been in the local papers and I have a poor reputation around my town too, Im guessing, due to my sons and ex ah and probably my own behaviours too.
My secret is I dont really care very much at all anymore. There was a time I struggled to go out and go to my work but Alanon gave me nuggets to hold onto that helped me, like, I can forgive myself for my wrong doings and the wrong doings of others. The mistakes I made still at the time I was doing the best with what I knew then.
Noone on this Earth has the right to judge me and if they do then it says more about their own issues than mine so Im powerless. I dont value or put worth on others opinions, I know that sounds bad but I have learned that people cant ever possibly see the whole picture of any situation or know the full person ever, ever so any opinions or judgments they form are not based on the full truth so are not worth all that much. I include myself in that and it has helped me stop gossiping or judging others. It still happens of course, Im only human but when Im working it right Im quite good at not doing it.
I have a friend who is all about her reputation and appearances and shes a virtual prisoner of her own mind. I feel sorry for her and I have tried to pass on some of what I have learned that helped me. She sways between loving me and my attitude and then after reinforcement from others who are like this too she comes back to me trying to convince me to care about these things. Glad to see you back anyway.x
