Should I just keep my feelings/thoughts to myself? - Al-Anon Family Group

Sincerely · Senior Member

Should I just keep my feelings/thoughts to myself?

rookie95 · Member

I have found that if I use the words "I feel ..." Without saying the word "you" my bf is much more responsive. For example, I feel really stressed today...not you are really stressing me out and making me crazy. It feels weird to talk this way at first, but it does get easier. I think it's easier for men (in general) to hear us if we say how we are feeling, and not place blame or attack them. Just a suggestion. I hope it works for you!

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Hmm, that's a tough one. I run into the same problem or I usually regret bringing something up because he gets all crazy and out of control. There is no normal with an A. Maybe asking him if he's available to talk and set a time for it? Give him the subject, ask him what time he'd be available and not distracted, and then see if he will sit down with you for it? If he doesn't agree to that, then he's obviously putting up a wall and playing the 'I win' game(which is what I call it when my AH decides he needs to win something, which for him is EVERYTHING). At that point, I give up, and I decide that talking about the rose garden is the best it's going to get......for now. Things can always change and get better, but that's going to take time and work from both parties in the marriage.

Honestly, the only things I really talk to my AH freely about right now are our son, tennis, and sometimes stuff with the house.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm not sure if you were looking for bread at the hardware store maybe? Sometimes people will take those kinds of deflection tactics because they can't cope with the discussion.

That is something that I really struggle with because my A is not sober .. there are times I need to talk to him about the kids and what's going on with them. Unfortunately, most of that I can't talk to him about, he can't cope or respond in a way that is healthy.

This is a part of alanon that I don't understand how to approach .. I agree there has to be SOME kind of discussion about real world things. I don't need to talk about my program or his lack of one. I know since he's active I really can't expect to have a conversation about anything deep .. he can't do it, and I only set myself up.

Communication is key in a relationship .. have the two of you considered going to counseling if nothing else to learn how to communicate more effectively? I believe that if you can't talk to your partner, the relationship won't thrive.

I'll be curious to see the ESH you receive this is a wonderful topic!!

Hugs P :)

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I think in a way there are two separate issues here. One is: should you be able to talk to your husband or partner, in a kind way, about things that concern you? The answer is "Of course. Absolutely. That is an important part of what marriages/relationships are for."

The other is, "Is it reasonable to expect that this particular man will respond appropriately when I try to talk to him?" Not should he (he should), but "Is it reasonable to expect it?"

If the person is an alcoholic, he is not balanced. As Pinkchip said on another thread, they are not grown up on the inside. And the alcohol makes them insane and scrambles their thinking. So you have someone with poor coping ability, made more insane. That's why we say that going to an alcoholic for support is like "going to the hardware store for bread."

So the resulting situation is that you should be able to go to him when you want to talk, but it's not going to work. And they can't grow up and be able to make it happen without significant recovery. And that is achieved on their own schedule, if at all.

So what to do? Many people learn loving detachment and stay in the relationship while getting their needs for support and connection met elsewhere (friends, Al-Anon meetings, a sponsor, an online community, etc.). Many people decide they want more support and connection and home, and move on. The right answer is different for everyone. And it takes a while and practice to see which right answer is right for you.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

With my husband, who has 6 years of sobriety, I have run the scale with him of emotional shut down to complete emotional intimacy and everything in between. I decided early on that emotional intimacy was what I needed to be in the marriage with him and if he wanted to be on the train with me, then he needed to make a choice as to whether or not this level of intimacy would work for him. He opted that he, too, wanted emotional intimacy. Our definitions and experiences, however, of emotional intimacy were oh so different. I get impatient and frustrated, but I am committed to keep working with our differences (and similarities). There are times that I want to give up, but I don't. It seems when I am at my wits end, we have new breakthroughs in communicating and I see his commitment. For me, I have to keep coming back to "what works for me?" I am absolutely clear that I don't have what it takes to live with an non-recovering addict and I am in absolute awe of people that can.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

In addition to the great responses you've received, I can relate and know how frustrating it can be when there are such large disconnects in communication. Often, exAH could not meet my level of expectations for basic communication.

In my experiences, sometimes rephrasing things helped, but sometimes he just wasn't in a place where he could or wanted to deal with what I felt was important to communicate or discuss. Some times it was helpful to ask, "When is a good time to discuss ____?"

In those days, I felt that everything had the same high priority sense of urgency... probably a lot of anxiety in anticipation of my needs not being met. It was helpful when I could step back and have patience for things that could wait or find other means of support. (I'm not suggesting this is your situation- this was my experience.)

Be gentle and good to you.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Sincerely, maybe you are comparing a healthy marriage and the needs met within that to your own marriage. Remember, your husband is sick, alcoholics dont have strength to deal with adult issues, they are immature and when you seek adult support then your husband is aware of his inadequecies so he does what any alcoholic would do he bails. Acceptance is the key here. He cant give you what he doesnt have to give.x

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