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The last couple of months have been very difficult and I am in need of a bit of guidance.I know that there is a suggestion in AA, although not in the Big Book, and Al-Anon to not make any major life changes within one year of our A getting sober, with two of those suggestions being to not get married/start a new relationship and do not file for divorce. How does this apply to those who are in a long term relationship, but not married?Is the suggestion to part ways for a year until the A has a year sober (to get comfortable with their sober lifestyle?) or is the suggestion to work on his new sober lifestyle as a couple?I know that it is his responsibility and choice as to whether he wants to get sober and stay sober.I am only wondering if being available as a supportive partner is appropriate or not recommended.
My ABF would like me to work with him as he tries to stay sober, even though he has been struggling to stay sober on and off for most of the past year.Up until recently, we pretty much lived together in his home, although I still maintained my own home. I moved my things out of his home two months ago because I needed my space while he worked on his sobriety and I worked on healing from the effects of his alcoholic behaviors. I am very torn as to how to handle the situation.I am very comfortable with us having space between us as we live in separate homes while he chooses the path that he would like to take and I focus on me, but I am not sure if it would be the right choice to completely shut him (and our relationship) out and not be a supportive partner.
I have tried to find success stories on this forum from those who stood by their partners side and it actually had a positive outcome.I realize that no one can tell me exactly what to do and I am only looking for others experience with similar situations and how they handled it (and if they had success).I want to make the right decision for both of us.
AA and Alanon's suggestion that we make no major life changes for the first 6 months to a year covers long term relationships as well. If you have already moved out and are comfortable having separate living arrangements there is no reason to move back. Yo can maintain the relationship with each attending meetings, sharing recovery and learning how to live life on life's term.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease that can be arrested and never cured. In each program we strive to live one day at a time, focused on ourselves, trusting a Higher Power. We measure success in how we worked there Steps, maintained our program and grew.
Thank you for your response. By no means do I have any intention of moving back in with him at any time in the near future. If that were to ever happen, it would be very far down the road...once I am confident that he is going to work hard to stay sober. I guess that the question that I have is whether or not I should stay in a relationship with him even from separate homes. At this point, I have told him that he needs to take care of himself and I need to take care of myself. I certainly recognize the need for me to get myself back and not be so consumed with how he is handling his life. Does this mean that I shut him, and our relationship, out completely or do I just keep him at a safe distance (i.e. occasionally chat on the phone and maybe have the occassional lunch or dinner)?
My husband and I lived apart many times. The longest was 18 months. During that time I did not see him in person. Only talked (mostly fought) on the phone. I refused to spend time with him as long as he was using.
Today we live together. He's sober 90ish days and actively working the steps in AA and IOP.
I hope I don't have to deal with this in the future, however I know I will not live with him if he is not sober.
I will continue to go to alanon because I need the program here for my peace of mind.
I too have moved in & out from my A. I last moved out 6 months ago and he is just a week over 4 months sober & doing wonderful. I have told him I can not move back just because he's doing good... There has to be time, lots of time. I do spend time on weekend with him, but don't see him during the week. He is working his program really hard & I know of I was there if would greatly alter his focus. I pray there is a future for us down the road but I can only control me. I personally don't think you Have to completely withdrawal from your A for either of you to get healthy, but you need to do what feels right for you, allows you growth, independence, working your program just as hard as he hopefully is. As always.. Take what you like and leave the rest, just my personal situation to relate to yours. Best wishes!
When I got into Al-Anon recovery the suggestion was don't make any major decisions for 2 years...and that was the 2 years of working the Al-Anon program willfully and with commitment for myself. My alcoholic/addict spouse and I were separated with one renewal which was a major relapse for me and she also went back to using and drinking after a long period of physical healing and no program. The program(s) part is a must. Generally AA and Al-Anon speak the same language however the focus is different. Similar but different paths make the relationship much much better and prone to success. I didn't make a major decision regarding my alcoholic/addict for 3 years and then did. She was still using and drinking and all the other things that come with it. I stayed in the same town we lived in because that was where work was and my recovery. When we parted (I came back home to Hawaii) we were in love with no reason to be married. Hope that helped ((((hugs))))
Thank you all for these responses to LiveLaughLove's question. I was also wondering the same thing. One of the excuses that my ABF used to use for not going to meetings was the "don't be in a relationship for a year" rule. Of course he got it wrong, since I now know it's "don't make any major life changes". I told him that since he and I were already in a relationship that it would be ok to continue and that I would be here to support him. What he doesn't know (because he is currently in rehab) is that I have been attending online meetings and went to my first F2F meeting today. I am trying to get myself well, and will be setting some boundaries for when he comes home.
Thank you all for being here and all of your loving support!
I'm probably misquoting however I will put this out there .. for some reason I have it stuck in my head that there is only one place that a time line is written for AA .. it's 18 months in the 12 steps and 12 tradition book. I am going to ask someone where that page is again it's driving me crazy!! I swear I heard it in an open meeting I was at .. anyway I'm hoping the lady who said it will be there on Saturday.
Anyway, I've always heard at least 6 months in alanon. That's the nice thing is I can do what works for me. I have tried to wait for at least 6 months before making a big decision and then if I still feel its necessary then I can take appropriate steps. Sometimes it took 5 months, sometimes longer, it's more important that I be ok with the timeline.
These guidelines for me guide me not to make rush snap decisions that could harm me in the long run. In the Getting Them Sober series (Vol 1 - 4), there is a lot of good information in terms of dealing with a newly sober A. It's more about taking care of you!!
Keep coming back, hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You could read to the wives from the big book: http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_bigbook_chapt8.pdf
Basically, I think it's good to keep it sort of casual while someone is building up their recovery. That does not mean you have to stop loving them or stop seeing them or even stop being married (if you were already). Space is good. But loving someone purely and without bad motives is also good. The risks in dating someone in recovery are manifold in that the relationship is taxed if they do not recovery for obvious reasons. However (if like me), when they do recover, they are far less needy and, if they were with you at all out of neediness, then that could dissipate along with the relationship as they get sober. Ideally, if there is a strong enough foundation and you connect on enough levels aside from the disease of alcoholism, the relationship will prevail.
One of my best friends in AA died this past year. He'd been with his partner for 42 years. He was only sober 36 years when he died. This was a gay relationship to and those are extra difficult to keep together due to not having as much societal support and such... I know it's possible because I've seen it many many times.
Alcoholics remain self-centered and self-focused well into their recovery. It generally takes a couple of good years in recovery to shift from self-centered to learning SELF-CARE. For the first year or two we (me included by my history) remain needy and emotionally raw and we are like children building up new coping skills even though much of the time we might seem like we are far healthier and doing much better. So...it would be like marrying someone before they are done growing up on the inside. Of course we always keep growing in recovery and there is no graduation in AA, but you might wait until they are at least functioning on an adult level emotionally. That's just off my experience.
Again, their are no hard and fast rules here. What gets one person drunk might be the thing that gets another person sober. I have heard of couples even where they both met in rehab, got sober, stayed sober and had a great life together (though 99.9 percent of time I would think that would be a recipe for disaster). Anything is possible. The most helpful thing to remember is perhaps that you aren't in control and the relationship will be what your HP and his HP has in store. You don't have to stress that much. It will happen or not. It will either gel and come together or not. If he wants sobriety enough he will do what it takes regardless of the relationship status. So you can have peace and serenity.
it is a really big decision to make - to stay in or go out of an alcoholic relationship
Something I heard that helped me to sit with this decision regarding my on/off drinking live in B/F is to ask myself 'do I want to stay married today?' (read stay in the relationship in the same house as the same as married)
The answer so far keeps coming back 'yes' (LOL)
When I first came into al anon fully 2 years ago I was tortured with thinking I must decide to stay or go and I kept torturing myself with that for quite some time. Only gradually did I realise that I don't have to live up to anyone else's expectations of what I will do.
I have made the decision not to live with active drinking and shared that with my B/F - he responded a year ago by trying not to drink - this process has continued off and on for a year. who knows how it will turn out.
But it has not been a miserable year for me. It's been a year of growth of my spiritual side and of my emotions. I am learning to look after myself a bit more and focus on what I want. Ive got a lot of stuff I need to sort out about me. I figure this will either strengthen our relationship or it will stand me in good stead if I become single
I don't know if we'll make it long term. But today we are still 'married'
The other thing I should have said, because I have learned this from people here on the boards far wiser than me .. if I knew now, today, that NOTHING was going to change, could I accept my life as it is now? He was still going to be an addict, he was still going to do the things that addicts do. Is that kind of relationship enough for me? Can I accept him and not want to change him? Can I be happy, fulfilled, whole and so on?
That's what is important that your life not stop because of what he is or is not doing. It really doesn't matter what he does .. it does matter what you choose to do in living your own life.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I am one who stayed. I was married almost 25 years when I found alanon and now it is 45 years. He was only sober 2 years after a 93 day rehab. The rest of those years he was actively drinking. The past year he had major health problems and has had to pretty much give up drinking because of his health.
How did I do it? I went to lots of meetings. I read everything I could about the disease. I went to open AA meetings. I got a sponsor and worked the steps. I took on sponsees and worked with them. And by using detachment, acceptance, and letting go I was able to look for the good in my life and not let his actions suck me into the craziness. I am glad I stayed with him today.
I greatly appreciate all of the feedback, advice, and experiences that everyone has shared. Although it doesn't seem to happen very often, it is so nice to hear success stories and I have hope that my ABF and I will one day be able to share a success story, but I am keeping my guard up to protect myself. I know that I need to take care of myself and be prepared that we might not have that happy ending. That being said, I would like to do as Pushka and others have mentioned and that is to not make rush snap decisions that could harm me in the long run.
Ms. S What you wrote really resonates with me. It sounds so similar to my situation. I have told my ABF that what I have told him many times, which is that I will not live with active drinking, is not an ultimatum. He has the freedom to choose his path (he has also been trying for almost the past year not to drink). I, however, make the choice for my own path of happiness and whether or not I want to be a part of his life. You say that only gradually did I realize that I don't have to live up to anyone else's expectations of what I will do and that is something that I am really working on right now. I have some people in my life, those whom have seen me cry a lot of tears over this and who think that I should run for the hills and never look back and there others who support whichever decision I make for myself.
Pinkchip-Your advice is what I am thinking of for my situation. Because of where he is right now and his future with sobriety is unsure, I cant keep up the relationship that we have had, which is why I moved out of his home. I am leaning towards keeping a more casual relationship with him, rather than cutting him out of my life completely, while he takes care of his life and I take care of myself. I have quit focusing so much on whether or not he is going to stay sober, taking things day by day, and living my life with the knowledge that, as you mentioned, it will happen, or not.
Several months ago, I purchased the book Getting Them Sober and have to say that it has helped me so much and it answers so many questions. It has really helped to guide me on how I should, or should not, handle various situations and what I should or could expect.
Thank you, once again, for all of your wonderful responses and supportive suggestions.
By no means do I have any intention of moving back in with him at any time in the near future. If that were to ever happen, it would be very far down the road...once I am confident that he is going to work hard to stay sober. I guess that the question that I have is whether or not I should stay in a relationship with him even from separate homes. At this point, I have told him that he needs to take care of himself and I need to take care of myself. I certainly recognize the need for me to get myself back and not be so consumed with how he is handling his life. Does this mean that I shut him, and our relationship, out completely or do I just keep him at a safe distance (i.e. occasionally chat on the phone and maybe have the occassional lunch or dinner)?