The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Being down and in a funk is a real drag. We all want to be happy, but in order to recognize what happy is, we have to have the down times. We may not always know or understand why we are feeling that way, but I try to accept that there is reason for the down times and just ride the wave.....because., eventually, it WILL pass. It helps me to just try to stay in today, knowing that tomorrow will come...it may bring another set of challenges, but I have faced so many of THOSE in the past few years, that I feel confident I am up to whatever lies ahead. I may not like it, it sure isn't where I thought I would be at this point in my life, but after all, it's mine, it's what I have, and it's up to me to make it work.
Do things you enjoy today....get outside ...spring is the season of rebirth... the earth is coming back to life....the earth teaches us that nothing is permanent...it is the cycle of life. Take care of yourselves.....
Great painting!
-- Edited by Auntyaya on Thursday 2nd of May 2013 06:05:20 AM
I have not been posting or replying to post lately, mainly because I'm in a bad funk. I read some of the stuff here and on a few of the other boards on MIP and I get overwhelmed, like I have nothing to contribute that could possibly help anyone else, and I don't want to dump my "stuff" here when so many others need the time and attention of the forums members. Not that I even really know what my "stuff" is at the moment. I can't even put my finger on what is wrong with me. Nothing great and beautiful is going on, but then nothing pressing and ugly either. Just standard "middle of the road" stuff.
I have never been able to get myself out of a depressive mode by sitting by myself, thinking of myself, (trust me when I say I know that doesn't work very well), so I have been avoiding that as much as possible, by working jobs as they come available (which has been relatively good lately), going to meetings, talking to a few people on the phone, worked Step 1 and 2 with a new sponsee, cleaning my home by shampooing the carpet, doing the dishes, pretending I can cook and making a few meals, doing a little work on my car, changing the brakes on my work truck, getting a hair cut, took a lady out to dinner, and even painted my first picture in over 2 years. It didn't turn out great, but then it beats opening my closet and seeing a blank canvas and paints and shutting the door on them again. My anxiety level seems to hang out around a 6 on a 1-10 scale throughout most of the day, and I have been waking up to finding myself having a damn anxiety attack within just a few moments of opening my eyes and getting out of bed. They are not real intense (of course don't try to tell me that while I'm in it) nor are they lasting more than a few moments. But again, absolutely nothing I can point at that would justify them or allows me to make any sense out of them. They just are. I get centered the best I can, do my morning prayer, spend a few minutes mediating and start my day. Yet I feel like I am just going through the motions. Not with any enthusism, excitement, ambition... just moving through the days the best I can.
If I didn't tell anyone that this is what I'm going through each day for over a week now, they would never be able to guess it. And when I do tell someone about it, they act like I have got to be kidding... because they can't see my insides. They only see what I present on the outside. I am not one who wallows in it, that entertains it and puts a show on with it. So, I kinda feel like the decorated garbage can. All stinky and funky inside, but boy do I look good on the outside!
So, anyways... I'm getting my day started today. It's 6:15am. Coffee is ready in the kitchen and smells pretty darn good. I don't have a job scheduled for today but I have two scheduled for tomorrow and one for Saturday and another for Monday. I am going to find something to do with myself this morning that at least allows me to feel productive and moving forward... out of and away from this damn funkiness!
John
PS. Here is the picture I painted. Like I said its not very good, as I couldn't find all my paints and none of my good brushes, just had to work with what I could put my hands on quickly, but at least I gave it a shot.
Hi John I know how u deal I to have panic attacks I'm sitting here getting ready for work and thinking how do I get out of this funk my ah moved out yesterday I'm not crying but feel lost . You painting is beautiful hang in your not alone
Hi John...I'm relatively new here and still finding my way, but I just wanted to say how much I love your picture! Whatever peace you may not feel on the inside, I see in your painting. About the only thing I can share that works for me to de-funk-ify myself when all else fails, is physical exercise. You sound like you know how to busy yourself, so perhaps adding some kind of exercise for exercise's sake might help?
I gain so much from your posts and am glad for your post this morning. Painting seems like a wonderful way to spend time- creating something beautiful. Thank you for posting your picture- I enjoy it's beauty. When I get in a funk, I reach out to others, take long walks in the woods, go for a double duty work out at the gym so that I can only think of breathing! Sending warm prayers that you're able to distract yourself from your funk as quickly and peacefully as possible.
I love the picture. I have periods of being down..they come on for what appears to be no reason. I am better about just letting them be and doing what my body/soul are wanting. The anxiety of being in the funk caused me to be funkier...I had to stop the "what is wrong with me" conversations; getting into that chatter stopped me from hearing God's voice. I also believe there are times when I become overloaded by other's pain and I need to shut down. Try as I might to stay detached, using all of my tools, etc, this does happen. It sounds like you are taking good care of you and I am sorry for the funkiness.
Painting offers a serene feel to it. I wonder if it is representative of your soul state? Your thoughts and emotions just haven't connected with it yet?
My heart goes out to you John. As you know, I've had my own struggles with anxiety and depression. I pass through similar phases as you are describing. I dont know if it's residue from our alcoholism or whether alcoholism was the result of my trying to self medicate these emotional struggles (chicken or egg? probably it's both). Though you have much more sobriety time than I do, I'm guessing there will always be some amount of this "icky I don't feel comfortable in my skin" feeling from time to time. Like you, I don't sabotage over it any more and I just put one foot in front of the other. When in the midsts of it, I do struggle with "WTF is wrong with me!!? Why am I so anxious/depressed??!!" But then it goes away just like it came and I find myself going "What was THAT about!?" Sometimes there is a legit answer for what it troubling me. Often it is that there is too much change going on at once, or I'm just getting burned out. I will typically take steps in the right direction and my emotional well being will follow suit. Only a few times has it ever been something where it socked me in the face that what was wrong was something serious (like needing to end a relationship, get a new job) but I made it through those times too...Just like you have. I do function better in relationships. I know there is a codependent streak in me. Sometimes this is an asset and sometimes a defect. I get in the funks more when single because I want to share my life with someone else and having someone else around does help me not focus on myself and my sick thoughts. BUT, as you know, finding the right relationship is far better than just being in one out of loneliness and boredom. Thankfully, I have found and been able to enjoy a great relationship going on 3 years now. The funks I had got more intense when single, but in retrospect, those were growing pains and made me a better catch for future relationships and just a stronger person cuz now I know I can function on my own no matter what.
On the whole, life is beautiful though. Nothing like the living nightmare of when I was actively drinking. If nothing else, I hope this just lets you know you are not alone.
An artist in our mist.....I'm loving it. We have so many talented people here that do so many activities and have good hobbies we should post things we all do. Get to know each other more.
I know what a funk is and it's not easy sometimes to get out of it. But I see your working on yourself to keep it a bay. My friend...this will pass..it always does with us all.
I say try and bake a cake and celebrate life....we will join you. :)
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Good Morning! The smell of coffee always lifts my spirits! Even when I'm in my darkest place! I like Cathy's suggestion... bake a cake and celebrate life! Pretty Painting! I can't draw a straight line without a ruler!
John, I'd been missing your posts and wondered how you are. You have so much to contribute. You can't imagine how much those of you with a whole lot of AA recovery do for us. It's so much a part of you if you were cut you'd bleed AA and AlAnon wisdom. And whoever is hurting the most needs to be on here all he or she can. I love it how some of our newcomers come on and are on here a lot, getting all the help and venting they can find and then a year down the line they sound like oldtimers. We can't help you if you don't tell us. The best help I can give you is, go back to the PM you sent me when I was stuck. The same thing you posted to CathyinAZ when she was in a low place. That was great wisdom. The only thing I can add is, instead of pushing the feeling away and hating it, sit with it, welcome it, ask what is there for you. A feeling embraced is much more fleeting than one pushed away. Since you don't have anything scheduled, can you drive to the beach? Get a little hydrotherapy? We love you. Keep talking to us. Loved your painting. Hugs, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
One of the amazing things about this board and Al Anon is how often you hear someone else telling "your" story or "your" feelings. We share so much in common and it really helps. I came on here this morning to write a post about feeling so blah and sad and depressed, and there was your post, describing my feelings to me. I'm really impressed at how you are working hard at recognizing how you feel and giving yourself productive and positive things to do to get through it. Your painting is really beautiful. What a great way to use your time and energy.
I have been thinking a lot about feeling. I know that my mom's way of coping with her chaotic and scary alcoholic family upbringing was to not talk about it, not feel it. She doesn't let herself feel much of anything, it seems to me. And I can see how my AH's drinking is related, in part, to his not wanting to feel his emotions -- so he drinks and medicates to dull his feelings. So while I'm feeling sad and depressed, I'm trying to appreciate how important it is to FEEL those feelings, to not just shove them away and try to ignore them, too. In different ways, we're coping with a lot of very difficult and painful things, some old, some new, some ongoing.... I try to remind myself that it's natural to feel sad at losing emotional closeness, at separating after a long marriage, at longing for companionship and emotional intimacy. It's natural to feel tired and worn out because we are doing hard emotional work.
So my thinking is that feeling the feelings isn't a bad thing. It's critical to feel them and not bury or ignore them. But I'm learning with Al Anon that it's also important not to wallow in them -- to feel them, maybe share them with a sponsor or friend or meeting, and realize the balancing factors of all of the good things and reasons to be grateful. And move forward with action to move toward the things that make you feel good.
From this board, I'm realizing how everyone seems to have good days and bad days. It's part of doing the work, I think. It helps me to know that.
Do you know what you are anxious about? I've put off posting to this thread because, well, as you said, I don't know if I have anything to contribute to it. I've never had a panic attack and don't suffer from anxiety so I am absolutely clueless about it - what comes to mind is something I heard about pms and menopause (LOL trust a woman to bring THAT up); The speaker said to pay attention to what bugs the bleep out of you during pms because if you don't resolve it, it will come back to bite you big time during menopause. I guess my point is that I try to identify what my sub-conscious is trying to tell me so that it will SHUT UP and leave me alone.
I've had a lot of thinking today revolving around this thread and something that happened to a friend of a friend of mine. She's mid-twenties, likes to drink and fight, has a boyfriend who, yep, likes to drink and fight too, imagine that? She has black eyes, a bruise in the middle of her forehead and a gash above her eye because he head-butted her; she got her licks in too and I hear he's been walking funny for a few days. I am appalled at the whole thing, how easily it is passed off as "well, they both like to fight" kind of thing. I am told they both LIKE the chaos and keep coming back to it because the toxicity of the relationship feeds some need in both of them. I can't fathom it, but I know that some people have a harder time accepting peaceful times, my ex-ah did, when things were going too good he'd do something to cause strife because he was more comfortable in strife.
Makes me think of a song from the movie Foul Play (Goldie Hawn and Chevy Chase save the pope) Its a Barry Manilow song - You remind me, I live in a shell, safe from the past, and doing ok, but not very well. No Jolts, no surprises, no crises arises my life goes along as it should, its all very nice, but not very good. Sorta my theme song at the moment, one I don't mind embracing at the moment because its where I need to be. My first ex mother-in-law loves to wrap her life up with others who are in crisis, can't just relax and enjoy a peaceful life, has to have somebodies problem to solve.
Again, I don't really know where I am going with this, ha, just musing.
Another thing that comes to mind is "its a wonderful life" - We don't know how many lives we've touched - I know this board, created by you, saved my sanity, and I am not the only one - imagine a life without MIP?
I DO get into depressive moods though, I work to shake them off, delve into MORE work, yard work, weeds to whack, dishes to bang around - for a long time I was the donkey following the carrot and how wonderful it is not to feel so four legged now-adays.
last thought is this - funk; funky; funky = disco! Maybe we should all pull out our best bell-bottoms (you know you still have them tucked into some recess in the closet....) and psychedelic shirts, big shoes, big hair and flashy jewelry and get DOWN to that funky music played by the white boys! Bring on the Disco Inferno, Bee Gees staying alive, Donna Summer and.... well, you get the picture?
Ok, last LAST thought (I swear) is Dr. Phil saying Fake it till you make it - What they should put on my gravestone except I will haunt them if they bury me! Sometimes faking it is good enough until the real thing gets back in gear!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I can so identify with your feelings, and this morning more than anything I was glad you wrote what you wrote, I am glad that you took the time to pen your thoughts and share that sometimes despite all of our best efforts our hearts are heavy and we struggle, I struggle too and yet you would never know by looking at me, I keep my thoughts and feelings very hidden in that area, and yesterday while I was out on my motorbike with my friend my husband phoned to tell me someone I knew had taken their life, this person wasn't a close a friend but I knew of him and knew just recently he had been treated for alcholism, he wasn'r a person who would let you in really, and to say I am shocked and sadenned is an understatement, I saw this person only a few days ago and now I think back how you could not tell the turmoil this person was going through, depression is terrible truly a terrible thing, it's not easily spotted and the thing that comes to my mind is, do not judge anyones outside,s because you just don't know what is going on inside, feeling down is normal we all have those days and thank heavens you have the trust of this fellowship John to share your heart with, and hopefully by doing so we can be of some support to you, but more than anything often these type of posts give hope to those of us who don't know why they feel how they feel and your honesty in doing so is a comfort to many of us going thorugh this too.
I loved your picture by the way it was butiful, have a great day my friend.
