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I am learning to detach worrywart care of myself. In doing this I am coming off as a "not nice person" . I don't have the patience for drunk neediness and chaos. And I tend to walk away and busy myself a lot. My 7 and 21 yr old see me as cold. I'm trying to learn to detach with love. But obviously am not successful at this. Really don't care what other ppl think but my kids I do care.
Im posting a lot lately. Reaching out for ideas and help plz
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
Without knowing all of the details, I know that when we are different, it causes out "tribe" to become uncomfortable, because we are beginning to break the "tribal" rules. For kids it can sound like: "mom isn't listening to me complain anymore, picking up my soiled dishes, clothing, cooking dinners, doing things for "me" and I don't like it because it forces me to do things I don't like to do. What is the matter with HER, she is here to meet MY needs. I know she wants me to feel loved, so maybe it will work if I tell her she is acting cold, then it might feel to her like she isn't showing me love...I want my mom back (pout)." Of course the 7 year old isn't aware of this process and the 21 year old may not be either. Expand this out to the whole of your life and you might find it coming at you from others, as well. Keep transforming anyway through your al anon meetings, sponsor, etc. HUGS
Hi, I know where you are because my 20yr old son tells me he hates me right now because I am no longer a walk over, he can no longer manipulate me into giving him his own way. I think detaching with love is such a life saving tool because its about being calm, no shouting, its about being respectful but not giving away yourself and your serenity for your family. For me, my family have all noticed a change in me. I make decisions based on what is right for me and they are most of the time happy for me but sometimes they feel they want the old people pleasing me back but no way she is dead and buried, thankfully. Your not heartless, you are becoming healthy and it feels heartless because it is so different. I try and think of my motives, so if I say no or make a decision I think if it is right for me then it is right. If I bring others into it then I have a tendency to enable and control. Take what you like and leave the rest.x
Sometimes .. I get caught up in the idea of my kids seeing me as the "right" parent .. the reality is .. they may be angry for a bit .. as they get older they will understand, .. I have to focus on what is right for me because if it's good for me it's good for the kids, it's even good for the A in my life.
My kids and I have had pretty open conversations about specific situations .. if they want to verbalize what they don't understand .. I give them that platform .. what I don't do is JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain) why I'm doing what I'm doing .. outside of to say .. I hear their concerns and I can understand why they would feel that way, there are certain situations they aren't going to understand it doesn't mean I don't love them or even care about their dad.
Anyway, it's not an easy balance to walk .. and sometimes detaching is more important because detaching with love will come.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My grandson felt sorry for his uncle because he was homeless and I wouldn't let him live with me. He(grandson) was disappointed in my choice to let his uncle suffer the consequences of his disease and refusal to get help. I realized that both my daughter and I had taught him codependent ways of thinking and behaving. I saw an opportunity to make amends for that by sharing my new thinking and behaviors. Now, my grandson sees that neither his mother or I can let his uncle live with either one of us. Perhaps you're doing that for your children? Helping them learn new ways of thinking and behaving in relationship to your alcoholic loved one?
