The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm going through a lot of resentment. Don't even know where to start. I'm 61 years old and thought I would be looking forward to retirement and a happy peaceful life until I die.
Today all I can think about i:
Is my son alive? Why is he distroying my life and his....
I can't have him in my life because of his drinking. He's sick sick sick and has lost his mind.
Why I travel 3 hours a day to and from work......leaving with my partner still in bed....and when I come home he's asleep. SUCKS
I work myself ragged at work and home with no help.
I don't have any enjoyment because I think I should have a partner doing this with me.
I can go on but this is what is going though my mind at this moment.
Boy do I have some work to do...I can't be going backwards now. This resentment is hurting and I'm pissed about it. It started last night and now I'm in a full blown pity party.
I know I'm the only one that can change this but having a hard time doing so.
It's one day at a time but today it's going to be one minute at a time. I'm so weak sometimes
Thanks for being here MIP...and letting me vent.
PS: I think it started because my son said he wanted to come up to visit and go shooting at the range.....then he gets drunk or was drunk when he texted me and then doesn't show up. I'm mad at thim because he doesn't even remember what he does most of the time.
-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Wednesday 1st of May 2013 11:36:50 AM
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Guns, I just bought two. AR15 and Beretta 45 and I wanted to try them out. OK I'm going myself to the range and then I will get rid of Rambo and become Cathy again. Yes Jerry I have a armory at my house and yes I put on my camos sometimes. I love the sport of it.
I need some remodeling done big time. My life is coming forward and what I want out of it.....tough stuff.
More to come ...opening in a forum near you....
-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Thursday 2nd of May 2013 11:28:51 AM
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
WOW!! ((((Cathy)))) yeppers that is a full blown resentment...YAY!! you can use the power of it to support change...I learned to do lots of change stuff with that nuclear fusion. I could go somewhere; outside, and throw a major tantrum until I tired the resentment down some and got a bit of clarity so I could make some plans on how I wanted change. I could use it to support myself and go somewhere quiet and just sit comfortable and in the palms of my HP and ask Please listen and give me feedback? I could use it to ramp up my practice of forgiveness...just the practice of it...not aimed at anyone person, place or thing...just the ability to be forgiving and I knew when I reached that point because my mind, body, spirit and emotions would level out and start to hummmm in sync. Forgiveness is a spiritual characteristic which is always present and able to be displayed. When I forgive it is for my own peace of mind and serenity and in that peace of mind and serenity I can find solutions to follow up on...always follow up on the solutions or some of the next resentments are against self and that is not an acceptable outcome of our program.
You sound like you're wearing cammos...you have armory at the house? You look in the mirror and Rambo is looking back? Best leave the war outside. You can do that because you have shown that peaceful quiet and serene side of yourself here on the board...that loving person...the one you prefer to be. Be her and make changes cause she is the strong one and the resentful one is stressed out, over worked and tired.
Go get your sponsor and ask if she can help you do a "life" inventory. You get to sit outside of yourself and take you all apart...negative stuff to the left and positive to the right...God stuff in the middle. The middle pile should be higher that the others and the negative the smallest...that is the way it really is because we ain't all that bad and life isn't all that bad either.
What are you doing with your life? What do you want to do with your life?
You're loved here...let us love you back. ((((hugs))))
Hi Cathy! Sorry to hear that you have the blues and this pity party has crept up on you like this. I suggest you decide to have some enjoyment for yourself! I've learned that I am the only one in charge of making sure I have a good time. My enjoyment comes in all ways: a hot bubble bath or dinner with a friend. Just depends on what I feel I really need at the time. You will be in my thoughts and prayers!
Cathy, it's turns each for you and I. Lol. At least we can be grateful for accepting and realising where we are. Before recovery I just went into depression, self pity and feeling like a victim kept me down. Now I do get down, self pity creeps in but there's the slogans, serenity prayer and steps, they are your ladders out of the pit. And this brilliant forum. I know how you feel, well I have a good idea, we are powerless over others but not ourselves, sometimes easier said than done. This too shall pass.x
Cathy when I catch myself in a pity party I get out my notebook and write a gratitude list. I keep adding to it every time I read it again. The cool part is when I have a resentment coming on and get out the gratitude lsit I usually find the same issue/person/situation/things, etc right there on the list.
So for me it's about finding the good in everything helps me not get so cranky about the cruddy parts of each day.
Thank you for sharing, I've been having a crappy day too, knowing that I'm feeling angry and resentful, and also knowing that I have the power to pull myself out of this, but boy is it HARD some days. I'm sorry you are feeling bad, and I hope you can do something fun and enjoyable just for you.
Thank you all for the suggestions, I like the idea of writing the good and bad, I've been thinking a lot lately about how my life would actually make a great novel, truth is stranger than fiction, right?!
Hang in there Cathy, you will have better days. You are awesome!
I, too have nothing more to add. Have not felt too upbeat myself these past few days. But we recognise this for what it is, and have to step up meetings and reading. But, going backwards is not an option. Just need a jumpstart and all will be better soon.
BTW, I NEVER would have picked you as a poster girl for the NRA!!!! I haven't been skeet shooting in a while but might take it up again.
Thank you all for the great support. I have a lot to think, write and work out in my life but I'm moving forward with great support. As I was thinking last night about things, my resentment actually start with my partner. I told him last week I was going to start attending a Woman's support group and he started in with the third degree. What was that all about?? You know.....I'm starting to get better and he's not...that's all I can say about him. I think I'm going to be leaving him behind someday.
Take care and have a good day... ((( hugs )))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Cathy, I can't add much to what was shared here already except to say that I totally get the resentment thing!
As for the guns, I just shot a few this past week for the first time and found out that it's a very stress relieving thing(target shooting, of course). My stepfather is a gun collector and he had both my son and I do some practice and learn a bit about a few guns and my favorite was a 45 Beretta, I hated the Glock(too much kick back), and my son enjoyed all of them including the .22 Ruger rifle which my mom told me was awesome for shooting at critters on the farm. They have 8 acres and grow everything organic, raise their own chickens, and are beekeepers so they have trouble with deer, fox, bear, groundhogs, raccoons, and other critters who destroy crops, LOL!
Anyway, I don't think I'm ready to actually buy a gun, but it's nice to know that I'm not scared of them anymore. Seriously, I was sick to my stomach when I saw my son hold the gun and pull that trigger even though I knew he was in good hands and surrounded by adults who were taking proper safety precautions!
My husband at the time taught our son at a very young age about guns and how to respect them. I have no fear in that way. Now having a drunk son I'm not so sure anymore.
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Just for me... guns and resentments don't go hand in hand... I'd end up shooting someone :) Who? Gosh, I think the whole world could become a target when I get wacked out on resentments. Better stick to going to the range when I'm in a good space. LOL
John
__________________
" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
Ah that resentment thing, yes spent the last 24 hours there and it makes me truly horrible!I cannot believe the things I think and say, its not me I am just sick!
But I go there less and less and it lasts less each time, I know that I need to engage with healthy people in recovery not the alcoholics who make my sickness so much worse, I need to also re visit my gratitude list and be thankful yes even for the lessons I can learn from this terrible disease.
I feel much calmer than I did yesterday and can feel my HP urging me forward, baby steps but in the right direction
