The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know I need to turn my son(he's 14) over to God. I know that I've only done the best that I can do as a parent. I 'know' these things but still I have fear for his future. He recently overheard some of my conversation with my AH where I told my AH I was tired of his lies and the continued drinking and driving issue. My son was upset at his father but he shouldn't have been eavesdropping anyway. Anyhoo, I know he knew his dad was still drinking but now he knows that dad is drinking and driving while traveling on business and I know he was angry.
I have been working my steps and I have taken a look at my shortcomings and character defects and I see how my fears have damaged my son. My overprotectiveness and coddling, not protecting him from AH back when AH had rages and screaming fits, etc. I guess I'm just beating myself up but I still do have hope that I can teach him some things from what I'm learning in Al Anon and in my spiritual walk. I can only just pray that I learn to let him fall and that I must set the right example by following my HP's will for my life by doing the right things and by not putting him in the middle anymore. I honestly never would put him in the middle on purpose, but it's hard when the kids want to know things and it's an emotionally charged issue for myself as a parent and spouse. I think kids know way more than they let on and as much as I want to protect my son, I know that at some point that won't be my job and he'll be alone in this crazy mixed up world. And, that scares the crap out of me!
I wish I had the knowledge you have now in regards to your son. I didn't. I over protected him and coddled him. I took care of his every need and kept him from harm. Even though I didn't cause his drinking I can see how he is not able to take care of all his needs when it comes to life. Yes he is smart and educated but common sense......not there. Maybe it has to do with his drinking I will never know but I wish I would have done it differently with him.
Let your son grow and teach him about life and the ups and downs that come with it. He will be better off because of it.
Take care ((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Have you thought about AlaTeen for your son? I think other kids can be such a wonderful resource for kids. It's something entirely different and a very small thing by comparison, but my daughter got braces back in the day when they were pretty painful and traumatic. And when she went to school the other kids were so supportive and helpful. She was just turning 13 when she helped me realize that my husband was an alcoholic--she'd been noticing how much the level in the big bottle of vodka in the fridge went down every few days. Your son sounds like a bright boy. And I don't know how much for you to tell him. I think not being told anything would be worrying and frustrating. And I think as he sees you growing and working through the problem and not just being in denial that that has to be useful to him. Bless both your hearts. Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
I have been trying to get my head around something my counselor said...which is this -- as long as my kids are safe, I cannot control their relationship with their Dad. Sometimes I try to shelter them from his intense anger, his rants about guns and obama being the antichrist, giive them explanations, etc. but my counselor said that it's important that THEY decide how to handle that behavior...and it's not my place to coddle them or protect them from their father's disease.
I still struggle with it every day, especially when I see the hurt in my 16yo's eyes when his Dad is on a rant...
Oh, RP, you mean my AH isn't the only one who thinks Obama is the antiChrist? So nice to know I'm not alone, geez. My AH has stopped his rantings for the most part, but my son said that he goes off about stuff all the time when I'm not around. What drives me crazy is that AH CAN control the rantings, he just chooses not to. And, yes, I know I'm not responsible for his relationship with his father, but what kind of mother am I at this point and how can I do things better for the next few years. I feel like time is slipping away.
((((Temple)))) hit the solution right on center. It is from my experience as a former Alateen sponsor that her suggestion of Alateen will work. Teens on teens and they will change for the better faster than adults on teens. They think similar and the see the picture that way also. I've also sponsored recovery groups in high schools and may be again soon and I pray that it works because teens...know and they know that they know and they know what to do with what they know. See if Alateen, which is a part of the Al-Anon Family Groups is available in your area and just hogtie him and get him to his first meeting and he will probably tell you he wants to go again. Same program as Al-Anon. Let us know if there are meetings available to him. Mahalo Temple!! (((((Ilovedogs)))))
Thanks guys, yes there is a good Alateen meeting during my Friday night meeting but my son never wants to go. He has social anxiety at times and I don't think he's ready(or at least he's not agreeing to being ready). I don't want to force it, I usually offer the option to him once a month or so.
I am in the same shoes. Al-ateen is a wonderful solution .. my daughter is younger so I've had some reservations. I'm also at a disadvantage because she won't really absorb it or get it for awhile why she's there. however, I have had some beautiful spiritual awareness's. The idea of turning my life (child) over to the care of my hp (God for me) gives me comfort. He will be raising her up (his grace) I only have to be there as a guide. Tons of pressure off me to know and recognize he and she will be doing the work (if she will go). Another said to me, "Well, I've never heard of a kid being screwed up by Al-Ateen; I have however heard of a kid being screwed up on the playground etc., or in school other areas violence in the home, etc. we can only know what we've experienced as human beings (their learning is not over yet) .. I too have the guilt and shame but I need to remember (We) get sicker than them in Our confusion, thinking, feelings, etc.. which is why I need to take care of me. it's the best way to help. and the One authority for our group . A loving hp (God again for me with respect to all) .. also gives me relief to know I am placing God in charge of my life, etc.
One thing I needed to do that was important for me was to make sure eventually that we were talking in a place I was sure my child didn't have the ability to eavesdrop; my child was being a child; eavesdropping is what they did. my expectation of them to not was unrealistic (I say this because my own heard it all too at times and yes the anger grew) Anger is fear, and I was effecting my child with the fear, etc. That was hard for me honestly, but as the adult, I had to take responsibility for what I was able to. There were times He wouldn't shut up but if I walked away he usually followed me. we can't control it all I know but limiting is better than not.
wishing you so much serenity on your end. I know how hard this is I have been through the exact same. There's nothing like the powerlessness and helpless feelings that accompany our part with our kids. but we're never really helpless; help is all around us. Even in here ! keep sharing and keep coming back ..
Overwhelming anxiety for you son is something YOU need to work on because you will transmit your anxiety to him and that will make him far less functional in the world. He will never be "all alone in this crazy world"...that is overdramatic. It teaches him that he only has you to depend on and it also teaches him that the world is so so dangerous rather than that the world is also wonderful, beautiful, and full of exciting opportunities. Furthermore, he wont be "alone" because he will always have some family and hopefully learn to reach out and make supportive friendshps to help him through whatever he faces. He won't be "alone." You already stated you believe he is anxious. Clinging to your own anxieties for him is going to make it worse. At the age of 14, it's more important that he learn he is capable of solving is own problems and developing mastery over certain situations and life issues apart from you.
My mom was like Cathy described - No surpise I wound up drinking away all my feelings in the same manner. She meant well but her transmitting all her anxieties to me was a problem. Encourage socializing and solving his own problems not so much protecting him at this point. That's my 2 cents.
I was a mom who "forced" her daughter to go to AlAteen. She is extremely shy and has always been afraid of everything..... including her shadow. (When she was 4 yrs. old she noticed it and was jumping around and yelling at me to "get it away from her".-- true story). I forced her to go to a meeting when she was 16... when I started AlAnon. We had meetings in the same building and at the same time. It took a few weeks but then she truly loved it. It gave her a safe place to go with her anger. She learned that everyone had the same story and she was with friends.
A few weeks ago my daughter took a relative of hers who is 14 to her first AlAteen. The 14 yr. old was so nervous she had an upset stomach while waiting in the car and didn't know if she had enough nerve to walk into the building. She was so nervous she was shaking. But after the meeting she had a big grin on her face and said she wanted to go back.
Give it a try. You may have to force it, just like making him have a shot at the doctor.
I agree with pink, he's got to start addressing these issues because he's going to have to find some coping skills.
What I have done with my daughter in terms of counseling .. she didn't want to go and I told her 3 meetings .. if you don't like it after that then you don't have to go. If there was an alateen meeting I would insist she go to at least 6 meetings after that I wouldn't push the issue however I have told her .. she has to try new things to know if she likes or doesn't like them. She's a funny kid sometimes. She liked the counseling and unfortunately the counselor she was seeing is no longer in that program .. I am so not happy about that, .. maybe someone else will come up.
Anyway, .. it's not easy with kids and I get the social anxiety .. I still get it from time to time .. it is important to face it and move on.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
There are online alateen meetings. One of my daughters been doing them for about 2yrs now. She really loves them and enjoys them more than the f2f ones. They are registered under the alanon.org site.
I know that Mark is right, obviously. And, I think I overexaggerated with the 'overwhelming' part. Yesterday I was overwhelmed in general because I have to plan my son's high school classes and he is so far behind in some subjects due to his learning disabilities and ADHD that I was frustrated trying to create a schedule that won't overwhelm him (or me). I had this anxious moment yesterday about my abilities as a homeschooling mom and many fears came up about both myself and my son and his future. Things my AH said about saying we were stupid and that I sucked as a homeschooler(this was way back in 2nd grade, too), etc and I heard his voice and I realized that I was beating myself up yesterday. I was getting overwhelmed by a lot of things: NCAA standards that I printed off their website, the call to the guidance counselor at the school yesterday to try to get an IEP for ds, trying to find a decent website where I can create a good transcript, and then trying to realistically look at my son's strengths and weaknesses and see which classes he may succeed at, etc. It was a draining day.
Throw in the fact that I know I am going to lunch with my AH today to 'talk about a few things' and I was stressed to the max. I try very hard to not push my anxieties on my son. My AH does that for the both of us so my son surely does not need to hear it from me. AH consistently tells me that our son will wind up scared and lonely and weak because I am his main emotional support and those are my traits(I think I was hearing AH's voice in my head too much yesterday and I was sitting there believing it). He says he doesn't step in to train the boy because he's too harsh and because he thinks our son is harboring resentment against him for all the pain he's caused in our lives. I don't know if there's any truth in that, but either way AH has pretty much turned most of the parenting over to me. He's 'fun' dad these days. They play ping pong every day, they go to the tennis club to play tennis, but that's where it ends. So, yeah, I was pretty down on myself yesterday and was probably projecting my own fears onto my son. Thanks everyone!
Your husband talks a lot of garbage. Don't let him write a failure script for your son just cuz he wants to hurt you and make you feel bad (which sadly he often seems to do). While throwing daggers at you, he's neglecting to say that he is still trying to parent sometimes and some of it is good parenting. Other kids with an alcoholic dad don't enjoy any fun time at all and they share nothing or have nothing but fear for their father. He just wants to "say" he has backed off so that he can say you are screwing up and it's not his fault.
Yep, thanks Mark for the reminder. That's exactly it. He's done that with our finances too. He turned them over to me and now he can blame me if we can't pay a bill or whatever. It's not his fault. Gosh, I should write that one down as his mantra and remind myself then that "I'm not crazy!" What drives me crazy is that he uses his disinterest or disengaged stance to tell me how he'd do things differently. Like when I filed the taxes the other week and he asked how much I was tithing at church and it didn't meet his standards. He said, "Well, I would give $100 each time. Why aren't you?" Coming from someone who doesn't even attend church or any church/bible study events with us as a family, I found it peculiar that he'd challenge my decision to give less than he would. It's infuriating.
And, you're right, he's not a bad dad even though he says he is. When we were in marriage counseling he told the counselor that he sees things as either good or bad, that there is no in between, no gray area. That is really where a lot of our problems come in with parenting, finances, communication, etc. If someone believes they are all bad or that there's no good in someone else and vice versa, then you can't make a contrary statement. It's not in his belief system to believe that someone could believe he's got any good in him, I tried for years to point out his good qualities but he'd always trash them in some way or another. Quite frankly, it's sad, and I've worked with our son to make sure he knows that it's OK to see both sides of things and that it's OK to have a different viewpoint, etc. Anyway, thanks for the post, I guess it got me thinking!
