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Totally new here but I'm wondering if anyone can help me.
My dad is in his mid 70s and 18 months ago my mum died. She was the light of his life but had been ill for many years (survived 20 years past her life expectancy!) and Dad had been her carer for the last few years.
Over the last year or so he's been drinking more and more. He has a few friends - mainly old colleagues who have been incredibly loyal but otherwise has no social life, won't join anything, go to anything on his own (even if someone takes him a few times first) and is quite isolated.
he suffers from anxiety and depression.
I persuaded him to go and see a counsellor about trying to find away to live without mum which he did but he didnt really understand why he was there so with the first guy he talked a bit oubout his mother, was given breathing exercises and affirmations to do (which dad thought was mad) and didn't really get any resolution. I persuaded him to try again. On an early visit to see new counsellor he needed a drink to face her; had one then crashed the car. He damaged 4 vehicles (wrote off 2) and had the cars not been there he would have mounted the pavement where the kids were just coming out from school...
His doctor removed his license although dad still seems to think it was some kind of medical black out rather than being twice the legal alcohol limit. he doesn't seem to apprecaite that he was drunk. He was lucky the police didnt press charges.
So we've talked a lot about his drinking. Infact, that's mostly all we talk about because he doesn't do anythingelse apart from ironing and staring at the wall.
He's promised so many times to stop. he's agreed to drink wine not whisky since it has less alcohol in it. That lasted 2 days (and 2 bottles of wine)...
He's gone back to counselling and has been told to keep an diary of how he feels when he wakes up in the morning, whether he wants a drink, whether he has one or not...
I read it the other day (he left it on his computer. I shouldn't have done, but I did). Over the last week he has clained to have alcohol once. He's trained as a lawyer and has produced beautiful prose which talks around the issues. I don't live near him but phone him every night. I also keep a record of how drunk he appears to be - from lucid, following a conversation and asking about grandkids through repeating himself, to the whole conversation being about him, to having no ability to follow a conversation. I know he's he's been drinking every day andI don't know how topersuade him to be honest.
I'm getting to hate the converaations I have with him when he's drunk.
I hate that he doesn't ask about his grandchildren, I hate the fact that he seems to appreciate that he causes my far more stress than working 50 hrs a week plus 2 small children, and he seems to enjoy that; I hate that I'm wasting my evenings talking to a bum who won't remember in the morning. I hate the fact that his drinking means he lets people down.
He has a friend, who took him on holiday last year but uses a hospital near where dad lives and asked if he could come and stay. Dad agreed and then got so stressed that he drank a ridiculous amout the night before; couldn't understand that his friend was staying 2 night; couldn't undertand what or how to feed him (I ended up sending him away for a pen and paper to write a shopping list). When I rang next morning to make sure he was up and had shopped he told me he felt so sick that he's been trying to call his friend to cancel. his mate was already half way there by that time. What was his mate supposed to do? sleep in the car?
I mostly hate the fact that every evening after I have had a conversation with him I spend the rest of the day angry and festering. I hate the lies and the broken promises and I hate the fact that I'm too scared to change anything incase it gets worse.
How do I get to the point where it ceases to engage me and I stop feeling so let down?
Welcome to MIP- you're in the right place and I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. It's not easy to watch our parents age and an added component of addiction complicates every situation.
Attend Al Anon meetings, grab a sponsor, read as much as you can to educate yourself about alcoholism - how it affects the addict, family members, friends, etc. Working the 12 steps and the principles of Al Anon have helped me to engage less and less, not have / not hold onto expectations and process anger so that I'm not carrying it around with me, and to let go of outcomes.
I like what Bud offered to you because that is what, early on, was offered to me and that did work. We all have to start change somewhere and for me starting at small and simple steps worked also. Al-Anon's 3 cees gave me permissions to look at alcoholism and drug addiction from a different angle and helped me to get perspective so that I could relax. We didn't Cause it...We can't Control it...We will not Cure it. Another C...on this board; Tom C from Canada has an offering that gives me perspectives in reality..."He's going to drink...what are you going to do". When I first got into Al-Anon recovery I didn't think or know that there were tons and tons of alternative behaviors, thoughts and feelings available for me and that I could use toward gaining and maintaining my own peace of mind and serenity rather than joining in the insanity of the disease of alcoholism by default. Learning that my alcoholic/addict spouse actually was as aware or more aware of the problems the disease was causing in our life was a huge awakening. It was I who was playing catchup on the issue while she was on top of it all of the time. She was practicing and I was being victimized with permission. Broken promises, lying, non-responsible, hurtful and much more is often normal to the alcoholic and addict. They have the excuse of the "ism" while we don't because we don't practice the disease at all.
Keep coming back and take the suggestions of Al-Anon Family Group face to face meetings seriously. ((((hugs))))
