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My bf has been in rehab for 5 days (not his first time). I went to visit him yesterday, with my son (age 3), and his parents. I was really looking forward to seeing him, as the last time I saw him was almost a week ago. I'm not really sure how I'm feeling now. Kind of sad, kind of disappointed, but kind of glad as well.
The adults had a family orientation from 12-1:30, and my son got to eat lunch and play with my bf. I kind of feel jealous of my son bc he got to spend so much more time with my bf. when it came time for the family visitation, I felt kind of awkward. I thought that he would be really happy to see me, wanting to at least hug me...but nothing. I had to ask him if I could hug him :(
Also, it seemed like he wanted to spend most of his time playing with my son, not visiting with his parents or me :(. His mom said that this is how he gets on the first visit, that he is feeling badly about things that have happened, but that this was one of the better "first visits". She said just to give him time and let him open up...which was hard for me. I basically sat quietly at a picnic table for most of the 2 hours.
Anyone else experience this? I feel really confused right now. I know he is there to get better, but I'm also feeling a little resentment. I am the one stuck at home taking care of everything, while he's off at rehab doing whatever it is they do there. I know that he has a lot if hard work ahead of him and I feel bad about feeling resentful.
I feel like I'm in a no win situation. :(
We still have no idea of how long he will be there. He said he is supposed to talk to his counselor today so he can call his boss. I almost feel like not going back to visit next Sunday, if he's still there, bc I don't want to sit around for another 2 hours - staring into space. I'm sure when it comes down to it, I'll visit...how can I not?
Please, any advice or suggestions or comments or anything will be appreciated.
Thanks!
Hi there.... in my experience, what you are going through is very natural, and understandable.... That being said, it also perhaps shows an unhealthy balance (for you) as to where your focus is on right now.... Early recovery is really hard, not only on your A, but also on you.... it's a perfect time for you to dive, head first, into YOUR program of recovery - and spend your time & focus on you & your son right now.
Those disappointments at the Rehab center are clearly "unmet expectations", and like so many of us before you, you appear to be "going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread"..... Your A is not likely in a place (emotionally, recovery-wise) right now where he can take care of his own emotional needs, let alone yours.... Their early recovery is taking the TOTAL focus on themselves, and the life or death severity of their addiction (rightfully so). I don't think many A's, this early in their recovery, have the ability to take care of others' emotional needs as well...
Just my two cents.... for me, I had to curb my own expectations..... if you go again next week - the more you can attend without conditions/expectations, the better for your sanity...
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I am hearing a whole lot of focus on him also. Now is the time for you to dive into alanon and focus on you. He is very sick and damaged and it's unclear if he will latch onto recovery since he has a history of chronic relapse. You are upset about not getting your needs met by a very sick person. That is sort of a waste of your energy. He is not in a position to be capable of giving you the attention and caring you want. Hence, alanon has tools for meeting your own needs. This doesn't mean you dump him or break up necessarily, but it does mean trying to be as fully functioning and fulfilled in all other areas of your life so that you are not hinging all your happiness on him (as he is not stable and not able to be the person to provide you that happiness - only you can). I would definitely suggest alanon. It is a place to get support from others who know where you are at and your peers in alanon are MUCH more able to give the support you need as opposed to expecting it or hoping it will come from your BF who clearly has a host of his own issues.
Canadianguy - can you please explain a little more in regards to "Your A is not likely in a place (emotionally, recovery-wise) right now where he can take care of his own emotional needs, let alone yours.... Their early recovery is taking the TOTAL focus on themselves, and the life or death severity of their addiction (rightfully so). I don't think many A's, this early in their recovery, have the ability to take care of others' emotional needs as well..."
I was a single parent before I met my BF, but since we have been together I have come to really rely on him to help me with my son and around the house, etc. Does this mean that when he comes home from rehab that I will continue to feel like a single parent again (like I am feeling now)? If that is the case, I am fine with it, I just need to know so I can manage my expectations. He mentioned that when he comes home that he will probably have to attend outpatient therapy a few nights a week and also AA meetings...so I'm assuming that he will be out of the house for most nights. I guess that since I already have it in my head (that he will be in meetings most nights), I'm already back in the "single parent" mode.
UGH! I think I'm having a hard time with this expectation thing!!! I would love to get to a F2F meeting, but the ones in my area are either during the day while I'm at work or at night when I have to be putting my son to bed... :(
You have already received great support and information. To answer your question-- Alcoholism is a progressive lethal disease that can be arrested but not cured. The alcoholic must learn to live life without he crutch of alcohol and that takes time and effort. As he indicated, he will attend outpatient treatment and AA meetings. He will be learning a whole new way of being in the world and it is difficult.
Those of us who are living with the alcoholic become adversely affected and do need a program of recovery of our own. Alanon is that program I am sorry that you cannot attend face to face meetings but we do have on line meetings here 2xs a day
Morning Meetings
Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST
Sat. - Sun at 10am EST
Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.
