Hi,  Where to start.  My husband has been an alcoholic since 1994.  Well, I'm sure he was before that but in the 4 years I knew him before that he wasn't.  He didn't start drinking inappropriately until after our oldest child was born in Jan. of that year.  I knew nothing about alcoholism or what it looked like at the time (I was all of 21 years old) and he was able to function pretty normally for many years.  He lost a job now and then, spent money without telling me, but I never clued into the idea that this was a problem.  Fast forward to 6 years ago or so when his health was in steep decline.  He had lost many jobs by then including getting a DUI in his company's vehicle.  He was sober for a year on his own, drank again, had a siezure when he tried to stop on his own, and has been on again off again ever since.  In the last 5 years, he's gone through 4 or 5 different programs, each time sober for a while but then back to drinking again.  His behavior when drinking became increasingly bizarre, with a lot of fantastical thinking and what seemed like a confabulation of what he wanted to be true mixed with a few twisted facts.  Each time he stopped drinking he went into the hospital to detox and generally seemed to come out ok, but each time he started drinking again the downward spiral happened quicker and faster every time.  Most recently he lost his 7 year job in fall and went back into a residential treatment program (this is his second time in this program) the week before Thanksgiving.  I've had concerns about his recovery this time and knew that it wasn't going as well as last time.  Last time he was there he made really good progress and, for the first time in years, I caught glimses of the man I had married.  We were able to talk (real conversations!) and he would go places with us (we have 7 kids).  I actually dared to hope a little.  Now though, he never really seemed to come out of the fog.  I also noticed that he was occasionally forgetful, or didn't remember the plans or what I had told him was going to be happening.  He also, in his job search, couldn't pass some pre-employment reading comprehension tests.  He had a slip where he drank while home on an overnight pass in Feb.  He and I talked about it a little and he led me to believe he had told his counselor.  There was a time or two when I wondered if he drank again, but I couldn't prove it so I left it alone.  Then last weekend, while home on pass, he drank again and I knew it for sure.  Not a lot, I don't think, but he definitely drank something (I can tell within a few words of talking to him if he has been drinking).  He denied it vehimently, got very angry, and went to bed.  That Monday, I called his counselor and told her.  I found out that he hadn't told her about the incident in Feb at all and she was glad I had called.  After she talked to him, she called me again and she and I talked a lot.  She said that he had admitted to drinking but said it was only a little.  When she asked him about Feb., he said that it was so little that he didnt't think it was worth mentioning.  As she and I talked she admitted that she wasn't sure how things were going to go for him because he just didn't seem to be responding well.  I left the conversation and began looking up info about alcohol related dementia.  After only a little reading, I realized how many symptoms he has been experiencing for the last several years already.  It's only that now it is all much worse and not as easy to write off.   He's also been very angry with me since Monday.  He had gotten a job in March but had to give it up now because he was put on "new status" and can't leave the facility for at least 30 days.  It is, in his opinion, my fault that he's on new status because I "tattled" on him.  He's been argumentative and petulant - kind of like dealing with an irrational 5 year old (he's 53 btw).  The first day back on new status, he called me to tell me that he was no longer going to talk to anyone and he wasn't going to eat!  (go ahead and laugh, I do)  The next day he called to demand that I bring him ice cream.  Each day this week he has made it known how miserable he is and how he feels unloved.  Last night he wanted me to bring him a kite.  I found some at Walmart for 1.37 so I bought him a nice one with the Blue Angels on it.  I bought one for the rest of my kids too. (Go ahead and laugh at that too. It really is ok.)  Sigh.  I do retain my humor (obviously) and I have a great group of friends who I know I can talk to but I get sad sometimes too when I think of what a waste it all is.  Yesterday, on the advice of a friend, I filled out paper work for SSI and for Disability online for him.  I've also called his doctors to start getting appointments for testing.  Does anyone have any experience with this?  For anyone who has read all this, I really appreciate it.  I would have like to get to the Alanon meeting last night to talk over all this but wasn't able to.  So, I'm just feeling like talking/sharing today and found this place.  I sometimes like to ask myself "those" questions - you know, "did I do the right thing?" "Am I blowing this out of proportion?" "Maybe he isn't really that bad."  But then I have conversations with him like I did last night ("I want a kite."  "What are  you going to do with a kite?" "Fly it.  There's nothing else to do.") and realize, yeah, he really is that bad and I really did do the right thing, not as if I really had any doubts but, you know how that goes.  Anyway, thanks again for listening.  God bless!!!

Deo Juvante, Jen

Your story is so very similar to my own personal story. I didn't get help until after my exAH had moved out. I wasn't as passive about his drinking!!! We had 3 children who witnessed many verbal battles over it. (For years I'd kept those rather quiet between he and I. I also 'lied' to our kids when they were very young saying, 'daddy doesn't feel well', ect. ect.) He started an affair and although I attempted to salvage the relationship (rather try to control it/him) it didn't work. Over the yrs. I too witnessed periods of stopping though they were brief and he went as far as to get literature from a program through a local hosp. based on the AA principles. He never followed through. At first AlNon seemed to me a bunch of people 'bitching' so I went to the other side. I read online posts here for a long time on the AA pages. Eventually I started asking questions, ect. And gradually realized I had to let go. I would only speak to AH when I felt it was important..... and every conversation I was put down, called names, ect. ect. He even accused me of having a boyfriend of which I was trying to hide from him/kids. ALL outrageous behavior. Keep in mind this whole time his health was going down hill. Too many things to name again. I spoke to our children about the health and encouraged them to talk to their father about seeking help. They did/had and pleas fell on deaf ears. (He always treated them with the utmost respect and kindness!!!) With health declining so did his finances. It was approx. 6-7 yrs ago he finally filed for divorce. I signed it only because I knew I had done everything within my power up to that point to save our marriage. Approx. 3-4 yrs ago I quit speaking to him altogethor. My involvement with AA/AlNON made me realize that I could not trust anything he said and for my own sanity I had to make this move. At that point I HAD become much happier, could sleep at night, ect. ect. Social events involving our children that each of us were asked to attend...I simply ignored him and never responded to even his simple 'hi's". I too seen/heard the forgetfullness and in the beginning simply shrugged it off to the fact he had alot on his mind. The last 'real' conversation I had with him (he came to me at a social function) I mentioned another conversation we had had of which he'd been so nasty to me it left me in tears. He didn't even remember it!!! I could see in his eyes this sadness for hurting me. I told him I loved him and prayed for him each and every night. Tears welled in his eyes. I thought we'd made progress and could at least be friends. Not so. He passed in Nov of 2012, a massive heart attack, and alone. I was strong for our children through the wake and services. At home alone I cried. It hurt alot!!! I also came here to pour all those feelings out. Most especially the anger and rage I had towards the other woman. (She bought a tavern and he had easy access to 'whatever' and 'whenever'. I still hold her responsible for handing him a 'loaded gun' though she did not force him to drink.) To make a long story short....you have taken a tiny step coming here. Get to meetings, ect ect. Won't lie...it took me some years to 'let go, let God'. HOWEVER, I could not have come to this point of living life without AA/ALNON!!!!
Recently, our daughter finished an inhouse program. She drank before her father's death, however, after it got really bad. I'm a total different person now and am able to cope with this situation much better than before. I'm standing much stronger and have already told her what I will and will NOT tolerate! She lives with her husband and has 2 children I adore. I text her on occasion with a simple 'I love you!' yet that is all.
Please get yourself help so you will have the tools to cope!!! AA/AlNON are wonderful programs. You may be in for more than assumed. And as Jerry said, the children who are old enough I too agree that getting them into programs will be beneficial. Prayers for you all!!!