The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Excellent article and to think that it very much covers alanon principles, so no need to worry.
Taking care of yourself and keep the focus on yourself is a primary principle of alanon. I also think I heard the the tool of Detachment as well. Detachment is a process--- Detach any way you can, with an" AX "at first andt then after using the program with love. It is all a process.
Working the Steps, making amends to our self first, by attending meetings, breaking the isolation, connecting with those who understand using slogans all go a long way in having compassion on ourselves, forgiving ourselves and then having done this we are naturally able to reach out and have the forgiveness for others
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 27th of April 2013 07:48:08 AM
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 27th of April 2013 08:16:11 AM
Hi, a friend of mine sent me an article about 'Toxic people' and I wanted to share the jist of it with everyone. It says that when someone harms us our body's have an involuntary reaction.
'the body's reaction to someone who has harmed you is simply that: the body's reaction, something that happens. You don't choose it. It is not an indicator of your spiritual maturity, nor a gauge of your growth in life or in relationship to the trauma. In many cases, no amount of psychological or spiritual work will change your body's chemical response to the person who inflicted harm; it is hard-wired into your biology, an aspect of survival.'
When I read this I thought it explains a lot for me about how I feel about my son. When I am in his company I try hard to be pleasant and courteous but I also allow him to verbally abuse me and walk all over the top of me. I can also feel my body's reaction. I tense up, im a bit nervous and I want to flee from his company, having said that it is only in my home that I have this reaction.
I have been using my program to try and be compassionate and loving but I have been struggling a little.
'...being able to "open your heart" to someone who has caused you tremendous pain is also not a test of your spirituality. Many people deliberately put themselves in company with family and "friends" who are profoundly painful for them to be with -- in an effort to develop forgiveness or compassion -- and because they feel they "should." And yet, if your heart is not open, and the desire to be with this other is not emanating from a place of true compassion, it does you no spiritual good to do what you "should." Pushing harder does not create more compassion. Like getting through a grueling spin class, there is a sense of accomplishment, of being able to stay in the room without collapsing or fleeing, but this is not the same thing as spiritual growth.
The choice to exclude a person or experience from your life can be the more compassionate choice -- for yourself. And indeed, when your heart opens to your own suffering, and your own well-being, that compassion for yourself can open wide enough to include even the one who caused you suffering. But this is something that your heart will tell you -- not something that your mind can decide or force.'
I have been trying to do exactly this, push my compassion and forgiveness without allowing myself the time to heal. I then feel guilty because I do not truly feel compassionate, I have underlying anger which I refuse to acknowledge and let surface. I love my son but he is a 'toxic' person in my life. My body and mind react to his presence and I have not understood why before. This article revealled to me that I should be gentle with myself and stop forcing myself to feel compassion. I need time to heal and that means a bit of distance for me and my son. I dont want him in the house, he is unpredictable, often under the influence of drugs and drink and he has a track record of aggressive, bullying behaviour. I do want to see him regularly but in neutral territory where I can feel safe.
I hope I have not offended anyone as this is not Alanon. It was written by a psychologist. Thanks for listening.x
Thank you so much for your post, I totally get it, I struggle to deal with a toxic person in my life too, I try and try to give love from my heart and understanding, but im just not coping at all, I wish I could just stay away from this person but its not possible, I dread when I have to spend time with them, makes me so ill :( i will have to carry on with this in a bit as its difficult to write with someone looking over your shoulder xxxxx
Thank you el-cee. This post helped me to understand how I am reacting to my AH. I try to be patient and understanding, but there is so much anger and resentment inside of me. I am physically exhausted from his toxic ways.
I agree with everything written in the italics. Those are pretty elevated levels of awareness and insight but I do find it is largely true regarding when someone has become toxic to you.
When relationships have turned toxic for me, I have tried the traditional things the program says to rid ourself of resentment. This includes praying for the person, turning them over to my hp....But if I keep having to interact with them over and over and over, it's a fresh resentment each time and I need to get away from the person for a while or sometimes permanently (dunno if you can do that with your son) in order to not have the resentment constantly reignited.
If we force someone that we can't stand to hang around us or put up with someone that is grating and infuriating to us again and again, it starts feeling like you are sipping a big tall glass laced with poison. At some point, it's better to put the glass down than continuing to try and sip it slowly.
Thank you el-cee. I have found that a nice blend of non al anon learning is needed for me. I can see similarities to al anon with other teachings. I do need to occasionally stay away from loved ones for a bit to regain my footing..it is a struggle, though, sometimes. hugs
