The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My mom asked me if I could receive personal mail at work. Translation: "I have some hate mail I want to send you that I don't want your AH to read."
She's really good at that. Every 2 years or so she writes me a hateful letter, threatens to write me out of her will (I've told her I don't want her $, I want her to spend it all on herself), etc. etc. And it doesn't do a bit of good except estrange us from each other for about 6 months.
What I don't think she realizes is that the more she criticizes me for being with my AH, the more I run to him. Because for all the "bad" he does, he also makes me feel happy every now and then. But my mom, on the other hand, makes me feel bad 100% of the time.
So what did I do? I told her plain and simple: if you're going to mail me hate mail don't bother because I have enough to deal with right now without you adding to my stress level. I also told her she needed to join Al-Anon (my sister is a recovering alcoholic). She responded only by saying she DID join Al-Anon (this was all via email). Total shocker there.
I know I am new to the program and all, but I don't think I've read yet where we're supposed to send hate mail to family members......
Well goodie.....something to look forward to next week. <face-palm>
My mom's in Al-Anon, and while she doesn't send me hate mail, she still occasionally sends me zingers that go on about how she's been such a screw up, she's working on forgiving herself for that and working on forgiving me, too.
These always leave me scratching my head - feeling attacked, for sure. I really try not to respond at all to such contacts because I know I really don't have anything nice to say to a supposed apology that's loaded with an attack.
I'm reminded over and over again that just because someone's in Al-Anon, it doesn't mean they're recovered and healthy. I'm sure I've got my faults, too.
It's tough when your mum's pressuring you and attacking you about your a. Alanon might really help your mum be more supportive, maybe in time. Either way she sounds affected and damaged so her hurtful words are not coming from a place of truth. Take care.x
What about return to sender? Write a short message on the back. "I love you too much to read this" Lay on the guilt a little right back? That way you don't have the stress of getting it and she can keep it. If she argues just take the high road and say last time this happened we fought for six months and I love you too much to do that? think that has a chance in heck to work?????
Good luck, sound like the situation is stressful and frustrating. I wish you the best!
You've received some great replies on focusing on yourself and protecting yourself.
I can relate to your post, as my Mom, 80 years old, still carries a heavy artillery of zingers. It reminds me of the saying that hurting people hurt people. I have said things like, "Thank you for your concern but your letters/ words, etc aren't helpful." Or regarding inheritance, "I'm sorry you have hurt/pain and that you feel that way. Your will is your decision. My wish is for you to enjoy your things and be happy."
To process my hurt and resentment, with another AlAnoner, I take inventory and control my own reactions and work on my own program- and- that all else isn't on my side of the street. It helps me stay grounded in my truth, say things once, and then disengage from the parts that aren't mine. It's interesting to observe how this also starts affects others- they mostly back off, some rationalizing they are "right" and some that are left with their own puzzling thoughts. While I'm still a work in progress in letting go of outcomes, I notice that I've stopped chasing people who are insistent of their "rightness" (and my "wrongness"), leaving me with myself to focus on.
No is a complete sentence. Can she send personal mail to your work? No. It doesn't matter if its a work rule or your rule, the answer is no. Simple word NO.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
