New problem and decisions to make - Al-Anon Family Group

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

New problem and decisions to make

Rinn · Senior Member

OK so I am fairly new to alanon but what I can share is my experience with my first husband. He had a temper, he never outright hit me but there were plenty of shoving, choking basicly being intimidating to get me to back down a lot. I was with him for nearly 9 years. He pushed boundery after boundery with emotional abuse and I lost myself in the process. I was scared to be alone, I felt guilty for wanting ot leave because we were married and that ment something to me. long story short (very short)I finnaly packed what I could fit in a van, took my toddler and was gone. He was served that night. It was very scary, and un nerving. But it was the best time of my life. I enjoyed being on my own without the constant pressure of that kind of relationship. I went back to school, had a goal, felt good about myself and it took a few years to regain my confidence and feel like I could say no to him. But I faked it til I made it and never looked back.

If you are worried about a body being better than nothing just think if it were just a body it wouldn't leave a mess, hit, estrange you from family, fight, leave you feeling trapped or empty at the end of the day. It would just lay there and snuggle... a body wouldn't be so bad. lol

My point really is don't be afraid to be on your own, to enjoy yor life the way YOU want to live. You don't need someone else to be happy. From all your posts you sound liek a strong confident woman who has a lot going for her. Be happy what ever that is.

ParisMemories · Senior Member

Cathy, thank you for sharing this. It sounds like you have been carrying the heavy load for your son and your husband for a long time. I know from my own life that is so very exhausting. For me, I am just starting to look at all thethings I want and dont want in my life. Sounds like you are doing the same. From your posts I know you are a smart, competent, kind, and very capable woman. Follow your gut, your HP is holding you in his care. You will be ok.

AngelicH57 · Senior Member

{{{{ Hugs}}}}

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate and you are growing, I can hear it! I am glad you shared and can get these things out, this disease keeps us buried under shame and it takes work and guts to climb out! Now that you were able to voice another layer and be vulnerable, your answers will come to you from within you. We can give you all the ESH in the world, but as you grow and feel better you will become more and more aware of these things and after awareness comes acceptance and eventually action. Keep coming back, posting and showing yourself the love you deserve. You are so worth it! I am so happy tonight since I read this share from you and just feel so proud of you opening up and being so honest, it really takes guts and reminds me of where I have been and continue to grow from. This program works when you work it and you are a great example.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy

Thank you for your honest and heart felt share I am glad you reached out and just want to reassure you that the alanon tools that you are developing will work very well in all relationships.

Meetings, sharing, the steps a sponsor will all help to restore your true self and give you the courage , serenity and wisdom to take care of yourself.

This program works. Keep on taking care of you One Day at a Time

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Good Morning all

I woke up to so many wonderful and loving letters I'm just sitting here crying. I talked to my friend for about a hour last night and we will be working together on this. So many questions, so many concerns, being scared to move.....

I have a lot of decisions to make and I don't know all the answers right now but it's finally time in my life to start making them. I never been alone and I'm 61 years old so taking this step is going to be hard for me. Am I going to die alone?

Again I'm scared....but I was scared about my son's problems but I'm overcoming my fears about him, I can overcome this too.

As I take this journey I feel so NOT ALONE with Al-anon and MIP....

I am blessed...

-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Friday 26th of April 2013 09:03:44 AM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

He doesn't have to be alcoholic for you to be an enabler which is sounds like ... as you describe it ... you are. "Fix it" is the order I marched to for sooo many years and the majority of the broken stuff were alcoholic or addict however there were many who were not...I even had a career as a counselor and was told I was very good at what I did...no wonder. Your statement..."I don't care...he can have it all" is typical for the lack of self care. I know you think just bailing out is okay and easy and would you be leaving and not learning about the one person you have lived your entire life with and didn't know anything about?...Cathy. Sorry sis...been there and have done this one myself until I stopped doing it...giving ALL OF MYSELF away because it was easiest. You might be scared because of shame and or guilt and you might be scared because you've never done it before and might be looking for guarantees and affirmations before hand rather than after you've followed thru. You might be scared because that is your default emotion (like mine...back then) and you might be scared to feel at all. Hmmmm wouldn't you like to find out for real? Got a sponsor...got a note book...know what a searching, fearless and moral inventory means?

This is longer than hotrod's share but I'm sticking with it. LOL ((((hugs)))) smile

forestfairy · Veteran Member

Cathy I know I know, I'm a fixer too! My guy is too angry too! It's not fun anymore. Eventually you realize, like Jerry says, you have given away all of yourself and you are spent, exhausted and hate everyday. Come back to yourself and look after you. We are here for you. Hugs.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy, I'm glad you opened up, it sounds like your recovery is revealing the truth to you. I truly know how that feels, it's like stepping into a clear well lit place from a dark cave. Denial is powerful and keeps us locked in. You and me are both beginning to treat ourselves properly, with compassion and respect. And we can no longer live with abuse. This process is upsetting and a bit confusing. We are out of our comfort zone of drama, relief, drama, relief. I'm in this place too. I am all about me in many ways and it feels good, scary and bad all at the same time. Easy does it with action. Use your tools and you will know what to do when your ready.x

1976love · Senior Member

I am so drawn to your post Cathyinaz. I know this might sound corny to you, however I was watching this show and the woman said, "there had to be some sort of existing pain in your life to make existence like that acceptable for you." The way he treated and makes you feel is unacceptable. It must come from you, your feelings aren't lying or trying to decieve you, something is wrong. Treat yourself the way you want to be treated...if you put up with these feelings, they stay longer...Your afraid to be alone because of this feelings. Treat yourself with respect and confidence and those feelings will come to you ten fold and trump those negative ones. Much love Cathyinaz...my prayers are with you.

John · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, my son is a raging alcoholic/addict. Yes, he is a lair, a manipulator, and will use me (and most any one else) at any given opportunity. He has a history of being a repetitious f*ck up! Yes, when brains were being handed out, he thought they said Trains and asked for a slow one and got it! And yes, my heart gets broken and my mind gets scattered because of him and his actions or lack thereof.

But he is my son, and I am his father. And in spite of all the BS that comes with this disease, I love him.

Hi Cathy! I really don't have any words of wisdom, or anything to say that hasn't already been said. I too am at a loss at times, don't know which way to turn but know I'm not content and happy with the way things are. And I'm single! Sometimes I think just having another body is better than none, but then I have experience with just having another body, and that doesn't work for me either. Another body works great for a night or two.. but if its any longer than that, and not more than that... or at least has the appearance of becoming more than that, well, let's just say I know I am settling for less out of some form of fear that my HP isn't going to take care of me and help me find the one woman He has prepared for me. I was married to a "roommate" for years... it literally sucked big time, but I stayed because I feared living life alone, dying alone and not having any one to share the dash with (between the date of birth and the date of death).

I keep trying to accept my singleness. I'm not lonily, but I am alone. I know that for right now, it keeps things pretty simple, no complicatications. Then too, I'm a domesticated kind of guy... I love waking up next to someone, coming home at the end of the day to someone, having someone to do those fun, recreational things with, weekend things with, share today's events with, going to bed with someone, and all the other goodies that come with being in a relationship. But, I don't want another roommate for a relationship. So, I am not going to allow myself to be a Star Trek guy... a "Cling On", nor am I going to allow myself to be that for any one else. If I am not getting my true needs met, I am going to just keep waiting on my HP to deliever the goods in my life.

When what is important to me, such as my son, who suffers from alcoholism/addiction, who I sometimes struggle with the "holding on, and the letting go" stuff is not valued as a an important aspect of my life, that is a pretty good indicator I am going to be alone, even with someone else in my life, and I can't live there any more. I don't need a woman to fix me, or to help fix him, but one that is not judgemental, that is a understanding and compassionate sounding board that I don't have to fear bringing the topic of my son up to, and is someone who does not have to pretend to have all the answers, but simply listens, and hugs me when my insides are raw and I'm having my nutso moments, as well as when things are good and I'm in a place of healthy love, detachment, and self care.

When talking about some girl that got fired in the cosmetic dept. appears to have more weight and importance to the person I am in a relationship with, then my son, who might die of this damn disease, ... I know this woman is not the one for me. I can do alone... alone.

John

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey Cathy, you beautiful brave person! Thank you for this post, I can't tell you how miraculous the timing is for me to read this today.

I'm so sorry that you are not getting the love and support you deserve. I'm sorry that you are going through some difficult thinking. I read all of your posts and I love that fabulous smile of yours coming out of the screen. You are a very special lady. And I agree, blood is thicker than water. Sending (((((((hugs))))))).

LeenieBeanie · Senior Member

(((Cathy)))

Thank you for sharing that with us. I don't have anything else to add that has not been offered. You deserve better and now you know better. Keep listening to your HP in this matter and it will be clear what action to take and when to do it. Your understanding, empathy and compassion come thru in all your posts. So has your growth. This program is much like the layers of an onion, little by little all the disfunctions in our lives get exposed for us to either just acknowledge or act on them. Sounds to me that you have pealed away another layer.

All the best to you.....

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Cathy,

You have verbalized in this part

"I never been alone and I'm 61 years old so taking this step is going to be hard for me. Am I going to die alone? "

I think a lot of people have that fear .. I've heard my mom verbalize it, I've heard older friends verbalize it .. it's a common theme. No one wants to think about being alone and dying. Death is a scary concept to think about let alone having to do it alone. I'm trying to wrap my mind around that issue that could come to be fact for me .. it's just going to have to be what it is .. today I'm not alone .. and that's what I have to keep the focus on.

I just wanted to send lots of love and support .. this whole life thing isn't always easy.

Hugs P :)

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Phew...a relief and new anxieties, fears, etc and perhaps a little excitement, too? I am sooooo glad you let us in on this stuff...oh the secrect stuff is so heavy Another journey, huh? You are ready and we are here to hold you up Endings and beginnings....making room for God and he/she is saying yipeee!!!!

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy,

I understand and experienced the overwhelming the fear of leaving a long term partner and the hugeness of uncertainty. I allowed the fear to govern and lower my tolerance to other's bad behaviors.

Eventually, a very reluctant me could only come to take things one day at a time- sometimes one minute at a time. It was growing pains and very lonely at first, but I focused on me and nurturing balances that keep me serene.

It takes effort- I build new friendships and acquaintances, try new things, and have come to enjoy the peace and serenity of living alone- something that I never thought possible. While there are times I feel lonely, I no longer have a painful ache from feeling lonely.

I completely value and cherish my alone time, and some times find myself struggling to carve out time just for myself. I still want to have a fantastic life partnership and hope that will come somewhere on my path, but it will come from a (hopefully) smarter, more selective, healthier mindset.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Greetings Cathy - Once alone, you may find yourself as I do, more and more happy that I AM alone. I do my work and even in the longest most tiring day, I cheer myself with the thought that at the end of the day, I don't have to put up with anyone else's "stuff" (i use a better word but it would be asterisks here!). How wonderful it is to come home to my mess and no one elses. About handling everything alone, well, yeah, it sucks sometimes, but I hedge things by belonging to AAA (auto club, who needs a man at home when you can have one on call!) and employing the internet to figure out how to fix what I don't already know. I ask for help when I need it from those whom I have helped in the past and I keep my living expenses as low as I can so that I KNOW I have the ability to pay my bills. I do miss having a shoulder to lay my head on, miss other things but when/if I get to missing too much I re-read past posts and poison pen emails from him, and listen to him ranting on a recording and guess what, I remember that it is so preferrable to be alone than living in pain and lonely. I am not lonely now, if I get lonely I can go visit someone. As I said, I do miss his shoulders, the way my hand fit in his but the comfort they provided didn't balance out with the anguish of everything else.

Good with whatever decision you make.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.