The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know I've done wrong and I have to make up for it and I want our marriage to make it.
Only to realize that it's all leading me to believe he's changing when in reality he's still drinking, still hiding purchases on a secret credit card, still blaming me for all our problems,not going to his psychologist, etc.
I'm just tired and worn out of that same ole, same ole thing. I wanted to believe the professions of 'not drinking'. I always do. I swear someone needs to knock me upside the head with a 2x4 to get me to realize that he truly is an alcoholic and that he has no desire to put anybody else's needs first. NONE. When the heck will it sink it for me? I always have these sinking feelings and reservations but I deny them and try to believe the best. Always hopeful, always trusting. Sigh, oh well, tomorrow's another day, right?
I am in the same boat right now. Its the same lines I have heard time and time again. I'm tired and worn out. I am at a crossroads right now and I need to make healthy choices for me and all those descisions do not involve my AH. I think
I have proprolonged making these descicions for many years. I kept that hope for a happily ever after alive by believing his lies. Just know ur not alone. Take what u like and leave the rest. :)
Thanks guys. You know, an Al Anon slogan keeps playing in my head: Nothing changes if nothing changes. While I 'know' this, I have trouble focusing my attention on just changing myself. For me, it's extra hard because both my AH and I are home together all the time, except when he travels for work or when I travel with my son for tournaments. That's a lot of time walking on eggshells and just praying that I am being what God wants me to be when we're in the same room together. It's easy for me to put on a good face, but to really feel that happy face and that joy is forced for me right now, and I feel like I'm not being true to myself.
One of the Al Anon Just for Today's says: If I am hurt, I will not show it. Sigh, that's a tough one. Sometimes I feel guilty like I'm not being unconditional enough and then sometimes I'm angry at myself for not being conditional enough because I feel I deserve better. And, then I think that maybe I don't deserve better because my attitude sucks and my thoughts are filled with resentments. Kinda hard to throw stones at someone else when you know you're not perfect either. Yet, for some reason, we're still at an impasse and neither one of us is working to move towards each other in a kind and gentle way.
You wrote, " And, then I think that maybe I don't deserve better because my attitude sucks and my thoughts are filled with resentments." I just wanted to say that you don't have to behave this way or that way to deserve better. Everyone deserves respect and authenticity, regardless of whether they've been grouchy or angry or even downright furious and difficult. They deserve it and we deserve it too. By authenticity I mean honesty and fair dealing. You don't have to be "good" to deserve it. Deserving it comes with being human.
How to live with longterm anger (I mean our own) is another question. I also couldn't do it. Every day it was sucking the life out of me, trying to suppress the anger. My anger was there because nothing was changing, and it was there to protect me. If I had let go of it, I would have been hurt again, because I was in a position where I could have been. Now, so many years later, the anger is pretty much gone, though I can get it back if I re-imagine myself in that situation. But I think for me, something changed because something changed. The anger changed because I put myself in a more distant position where he couldn't have much effect on me. But maybe the anger is your defense, and so maybe you shouldn't feel bad about the anger. I guess the challenge is to live with the anger and also show the respect and authenticity. There are probably several ways to do that but none of them are things we're able to do early on.
-- Edited by Mattie on Thursday 25th of April 2013 11:39:24 AM
For me, as you know, I had to free myself from the anchor. No matter how much I tried to stay healthy, I just couldn't make a family work with him constantly sabotaging everything...in a family situation, the As decisions DO impact other people, for me it was trying to compensate for his financial decisions. I just had to make it STOP.
Slowly, I can see the light. It takes time.
Whatever you decide to do, you have us for support.
I can relate too--Ilovedogs; we have all heard the promises and pledges and I actually think my H believes what he says when he's saying it too, but nothing ever really changes because....nothing ever really changes. Mine said he was ready for AA this week; I have been keeping a cool distance, and apparently that was enough reason for him to stay out drinking until 330am today! So...
We're the ones who can do the changing, that's all we've got control of, boy do I struggle with that one!
Hopefully you are feeling strength and support, here, I always do
Just speaking for myself - I only really started making the really positive, but scary changes when I left the relationship. I had this built up super scary projected image of myself all alone and sad and with nobody there to help me and that kept me stuck in fear and in the bad relationship for a long time. I did not have the added pressures of a shared child and legal proceedings needed to separate. I did have a giant enmeshed financial situation and several years of codependency built up. I also had been raised with this mentality by my mother who actually said to my sister outloud during her divorce "Good people don't get divorced. They work on their marriages." WTF! When on my own and not relying on someone I resented....that is when I really started seeing who I was and what I was capable of (in a good way). Like reprof said...he was an anchor dragging me down. Not a bad person persay....but bad relationship and bad for me. By the end, only fear kept me in it. The fear was what kept me from my HP also and it inhibited my recovery. I couldn't do whatever my HP wanted as long as my mind was shut to the possibility of being on my own. I continued to cling to notions that I needed to be what my ex-A needed me to be in order to "make it work." Yes, relationships are work, but they do not need to be that much work and totally dedicated to both parties changing. Ideally, a spouse is someone that will celebrate life with you, celebrate who you are and vice versa, and enjoy the journey together. I couldn't never force puzzle pieces together that didn't fit anymore. It was probably willful for me to try. This is just me though.
I can soooo relate and even after all this time I still get sucked back in. Something that has helped me to remember is when I am active in my own part of this terrible disease that the STBAX believes what I show him and never listens to what I say, .. myself on the other hand I believe what he says and I don't believe what he shows me. When I can get my detachment going I can really believe what he shows me and see that what he does as insane. It's easy for me to say as I have limited contact with the STBAX and he's not in my house every day .. honestly that messes me up. So how all of you lovely people live with this insanity and still manage to work a very strong program of recovery leaves me awe of the it really works when you work it slogan.
I made a list of everything I get out of the relationship and what I liked about my STBAX .. I struggled to come up with 3 things .. now when I came up with the opposite list of what I liked about not living with him, .. well sad to say .. I have pages on that list. I did the same for what I liked about me when I was with my SBTAX and what I didn't like and what I like now and what I don't .. SAME result .. the lists have dramatically changed!!
Keep coming back,
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I have been separated from my AH since August and I know how you feel. Everyday is a struggle to keep myself from getting lost in the muck of this disease. Letting go and letting God has been the most difficult thing to do and I am not 100% there yet. Thankfully I am able to attend Al-Anon twice a week and I check in daily on this site because there are so many stories that are eerily similar to mine. I am nowhere near being able to completely let go of a 19 year marriage but do know in my heart that is the healthiest thing for me to do. Through the tools offered at Al-Anon and the ESH offered here and at my face to face meetings, I do know that I will be able to do what is best for my children and myself. I am a work in progress and will not give up. It just feels like I am giving up on him but he has been gone, mired in the depth of his disease, for a few years now. You can do this, I can do this, WE can do this. Eveyone's outcome will be different but in the end, we all can, and will, do what is best for US by sharing our ESH and supporting each other and having faith in our Higher Power.
Hi ILD, You say you try to be acting happy all the time at home.... The program says not to be disagreeable. You don't have to be phony. That was (and is) something that comes very un-naturally to me.
Detachment is the only thing that works. Especially when you are stuck in the same house all the time. And try to get out of the house as much as you can.
I had to make myself places in the house that were his and places that were mine. The first thing I did was move out of the main bathroom and move all my stuff into the laundry room. I cozied up the place with lots of mirrors and flower pictures and new shelves and drawers for my stuff. It is now painted a shade of red/pink. He lives in the living room (it is beige). I hardly ever go in there. I put a tv in the kitchen and made my own nook in there. Figure out what you can do to make a separate place for you and your son.
Pinkchip..... my mom said the same thing to me when I got married in 1971. "Don't come home. Make it work!" I now just consider it words from someone who has not ever had to see evil that will wreck a marriage. She was coddled, as so many people are who don't understand how this disease works. That is why AlAnon works so well.
There was a time I had to repeat to myself over and over and over: Because he said something doesn't mean anything. It's just air passing over his vocal cords. Because he says he's going to do something is meaningless.....etc., I grew up in a family who kept their word--did what they said they would do. So it was hard to get my head around the fact that somebody would use words for everything else but to convey the truth. I have read, and it is true: Don't listen to what a man says. Watch what he does. Listen to what he does, if you will. Another help to me lately has been reading two books by Dr. George Simon: In Sheep's Clothing and Character Disorder. I also have been reading some of Vernon Howard's little booklets--they can be carried in a pocket or a purse, on seeing through people, how to handle being around difficult people, etc. Both of these people take a rather dim view of the nature of the disordered mind in the first instance and people in general in the second, which is a good antidote to my "sunny-side up, he would want to be more kind if he understood" nature. And it helps me to see things in print. I get lots of Aha! moments. I am having to give up a lot of my "wouldn't it be nice, if" daydreams. I have to realize I am not living with somebody who is like me or thinks like me. He might as well be grey and have wrap-around eyes--he is that much of an alien. It would be useful if he looked the part--then I wouldn't be tempted to endow him with human qualities in my imagination. And I have to remember, and this is hard, that when he is being nice, it isn't coming out of a full heart--it is because he wants something. Sad, but true. And "You will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free." Fantasy and wishing does nothing for me. Hugs, Temple
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
You know what really confuses me, everyone? I remember my AH reading his journal entries to me a few years ago. It was all about how broken he was, how he was asking God to fix his hardened heart, how he knew he needed to see the good in people instead of the bad, etc. He may have been difficult all those years ago but at least he had awareness and was open to discussing those things and was making an effort at looking at himself. All that's changed now. I feel like I live with a different person. And, I knew the drinking was going to be a problem for us from the very beginning when I found the first hidden vodka bottle 2 years ago.
I guess I have this subconscious desire for things to change back. Things weren't perfect by any means before the drinking started but at least I felt that my AH had a handle on his personality flaws and had awareness. Now, it's like; you hold up a mirror to his face and he grabs it and turns it around saying, "Don't look at me because I'm not looking at myself anyway."
As hard as reality is for many of us, it is where we are living today, just for today. I've read so many books on personality disorders(I've read Simon's book Sheep's Clothing, too), emotional abuse, alcohol abuse, how to discern safe people(who's safe and who's not and why I choose those who aren't), spiritual books, and books on codependency. All of them have helped me SEE what's going on. I think I just don't like it and want to put my head back in the sand, LOL.
What Temple said was true. I have finally realized that when AH is being nice, it's because he wants something. The genuineness that I thought was really there, isn't. I swear he's so good at being genuine and it's so believable and I want to believe so badly but it's not real.
It's like when he grabbed my bottom the other day after I greeted him with a hug and kiss and he said, "I know you don't like me touching you but I realized I can go ahead and do it anyway." Now, I saw his move as immature and passive aggressive especially as he kept it up all day long and then moved his hands up north more. He always had a look on his face that seemed like he was challenging me. I think he saw his move as just going for what he wants out of selfish gratification. The words out of his mouth say, "I love you. I want us to trust each other again. I'll do what it takes and treat you with respect, etc.", but I know now to look at his actions, read his facial expressions, feel his body language. None of it jives with his words. And, quite frankly, I wonder how much my words jive with my own attitudes and actions and I have to hold myself accountable, as well. Very difficult to do when you live in a house daily with someone. I'm going on vacation for 6 days today to visit my mom in VA. Can't wait to get on that plane, LOL!
I can understand what your going though. We all can. I though don't believe my a at all anymore. My problem is what to say when I get he lies to my face and he thinks I believe him. That one is hard on me.
Your in my thoughts that you can endure this and have peace inside
(((( Hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
