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I'm new to these boards and I wanted to introduce myself and explain how I got here.
This is not my first time in Al Anon. I was married to an alcoholic for 20 years and that marriage ended (much to my relief) about 12 years ago. I struggled greatly with all the issues that alcoholism brings. My own and his...and it took me many years to recover. I'm remarried now and my current husband is addiction free.
What has caused me to return to Al Anon is that my daughter with my 1st husband is an alcoholic. So, although I thought I had recovered, I actually had not. I just transferred my codependency blindly from one alcoholic to another. Because she was my child, I didn't see it. I kept thinking she would "outgrow" the partying. She's 27, soon to be 28 and it's obvious that this disease is not going anywhere. She informed me that it's my and her father's fault that she is an alcoholic and she never intends to quit drinking. She can't imagine her life without alcohol. Does this mean it's time for me to imagine mine without her? How do I do that?
The guilt I feel is almost unbearable. As if things aren't already complicated enough, she is the caretaker of my 86 year old mother. Yes..it's true. My alcoholic daughter takes care of my semi-demented mother. If it wasn't so sad, I would laugh.
I'm Sorry to Hear your Struggles, But i Do Believe that you have Indeed Came to the Right Place to Help Jump Start Your Recovery once more! I AM An Alcoholic as Well! And Came here by way of Lossing My Alcoholic Father to this Very Disease in 08! And In Being an Alcoholic Myself I Can say... It was NOT My Parents Fault! AT ALL! It was a Choice that I Made, Everytime I Put that Bottle to My Mouth! I Could Sit and Accuse them of Wronging Me, because we as alcoholics Like to place blame on Others, to Keep our Selves from Being Responsible for Our Own Actions!
YOU Are Not the Cause of your Daughters Drinking! She Is! So Let that Burden Go... If you have been in Al Anon before then you know that it is a safe Place to be, and Just like your X-AH drinking wasn't your Fault neither is her's...
I Became Sober IN Al-ANON... Not AA... I Worked My Program the Best I Could and when I Found my Bottom, with (2) yrs al-anon under my belt, I FOUND Recovery for ME Not just My Alcoholics... I did not get Sober till I was 37! So NEVER Give up Hope! It Can Happen for anyone, If they ever see themselves as they really are!
I'm Here I believe because My HP Brought me Here with a Little Push from above, and I Now can HONOR My Afather because of Him... I Got Help for ME!... If there is a F2F Meeting in your Area, I would Go & Check it out, Meet People Struggling with their Children just as you are... I know that for Me My F2F Meetings has been a Thing of Beauty for me & My Recovery!
I'm Glad you Found Us here! And I Hope that you KEEP COMING BACK! Because you are Worth it, and you didn't "Cause it, Can't Cure it or Control it! That is Solely for her to take on! BUT.. You Can Live a Happy Life Inspite of it all... While Still Loving Her!
Please Take what you LIke & Leave the Rest! Friends in Recovery... One day at a Time...
You are not alone. I also have a 32 year old alcoholic daughter living with us (untill June 22). I get blamed constantly for the gene pool she was born into. Those remarks used to bother me to no end, but not anymore. Our daughter also has told us that she has no intention of stopping; even after her 3rd arrest for disorderly conduct/assault/dui last month. I know how you feel as a mother; its our job to guide and fix anything that gets into their path as they are growing up. As a result, we did not let them fail or have consequences for their bad behavior. Constantly fixing things for them, mostly financial messes as she got older. I felt I totally failed as a parent. It killed me to hear of other people discussing what college their kid got into, their job successes, the wedding plans, etc. I never had any of those experiences & I resented it, big time. Got over those feelings, too. In my early days of Alanon I remember hearing about wives and husbands talking about a spouse - if the time was coming to leave, etc. I remember thinking, yeah, I would kick their butt out the door and dont look back, but what do you do with a child? You can divorce a spouse, distance yourself from alcoholic relatives and friends, but what do you do about a child? In time I learned in those rooms how to handle this situation. Slowly but surely I have come to let my HP and her HP guide her. Still hard sometimes, but I am so much better than I was three years ago. I encourage you to make a face to face meeting. You will hear your story eventually in those rooms, it always happens.
Please remember, You also did not cause your daughter to drink, you cant control the drinking and you know you cant cure her of drinking. Keep posting....
Thanks Jozie, I will keep coming back. I live in a small town so there aren't many, if any, F2F meetings close by. Especially that are held at a time I could attend. I'm so happy I found this site and I plan to take full advantage of all it has to offer.
I just need to untangle the web one piece at a time.They live across the street from me, in a house that I own. My mother, my daughter and, her boyfriend, who is also a functional alcoholic. As much as I would like to just let it all go, I can't. I'm responsible for my mother. I'm hoping by bouncing everything off people here, who are further along in recovery, I'll be able to see things more clearly.
I too have a son who is a active alcoholic and my quilt was unthinkable before I came to Al-anon. It was all my fault, I didn't take care of him right....I didn't do nothing right by him. Now, it's my son that has a problem and I have no quilt. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.
I had to let go and let God take over for me. I gave my son his life back to do with whatever he wants to with it. I will give him the respect to take care of himself now.
Your daughter will either drink or she won't.... what are you going to do?
Al-anon was the answer for me
Take care and again Welcome...keep coming back Cathy
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I certainly hear you Eileen...I have had not much to brag about as a mother. She stopped working last fall (she was a bartender, big surprise) and she went back to school in the spring. Amazingly she seems to be having some success at school. I think it's because it only requires a short comittment of her time and a lot of the classes are online. But without the responsibility of showing up for a job, she drinks more.
Life just seems very grim right now. I'm tired of being responsible for other people. I know how this is going to sound, but I want to be free of my mother, my child and sometimes even myself. I only like my husband and my dogs.
Hey, at least you like your husband and your dogs, LOL! Seriously, though, have you started going back to Al Anon meetings yet? In many of my meetings I'd say that almost 50% are there because of their children. You can detach, you can let her live her own life, and you can allow her the dignity to fail on her own. It's so hard, but there is support out there and you already know it's out there because you're here, right? Hang in there, and keep coming back! Hugs to you!
I live in a cheesy little town with no meetings and lots of alcoholics. I seriously wonder what they do for AA meetings! I was VERY happy to find this site with a message board. I'll keep looking though. I'd like to talk to a real person....not that you all aren't real people. You know what I mean.
Welcome, our stories are so similar. Ex alcoholic husband of 20 yrs, transferred my controlling, enabling tendencies to my son who is now 20 and showing signs of alcohol and drug abuse.
I am a grateful member of alanon for 1 yr now and I have been detaching with love. It is so hard to let your child fall and experience the full effects of consequences because guilt and our own ideas of what a good mother should be gets in the way.
Last night my son asked to stay the night, I asked him to leave after many incidents of unacceptable behaviour so he's been staying with his dad. Anyway I said no. He hates me right now, he is in pain but this is all consequences of his own actions. So he's staying on friends couches. It's a horrible, painful situation, part of me feels like I have abandoned him but I have let go for all the right reasons and I'm hopeful that I can in the future have a healthy, respectful more equal relationship. I want that more than anything in the world. Keep coming back because you are sadly, not alone in this.x
I, too, have passed on the genes for alcoholism (though I myself never had much interest in drinking or using drugs) to my children, as did my husband (doubly whammy kids!). My 32 year old daughter spends most nights in bars, and has never applied for a job once she finished college (used to work as a waittress but quit doing that when her boyfriend started supporting her). The conundrum of your mother's care certainly does throw a wrench into the works....as you must continue to insure that she is cared for and kept safe---and it seems your daughter is the way you have figured out to have this happen. Do you feel your mother is safe and cared for when your daughter and her boyfriend are drinking? Or are they passing out and leaving her vulnerable?
Aloha JH...and another welcome from the Pacific Islands. You've been around the rooms...see how much of your memory of it is intact because the program hasn't changed...we have...as that was the purpose. Alcoholism is a disease...progressive and fatal if not arrested by total abstinence. It is also a painful disease which also gets worse over time. Any Alcoholic who says that they will never quit doesn't cannot see the future yet...bottoms come up or just come and my experience is that all bottoms are painful and cause change if the person is willing.
You learned early on that we are "Powerless over alcohol, ic, ism and that our lives had become unmanagable so here you are again. Have you still got the literature you had then? If there is no face to face meeting in your little burg is there a meeting in another burg not too far away? See if the hotline number to Al-Anon is in the white pages of your local telephone book and then...call it and see. If there is a hospital in your town call their information and see if they know. Alcoholism is a world wide non-prejudicial disease...it really has no druthers who it takes down...that you already know.
Alcoholics are not bad people...they are sick people who under the influence do absolutely insane and unacceptable things. Take out the alcohol and you get more normal and then...for now she won't do that...take out the alcohol. You have known that after we admitted we were powerless we "came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"...OF Course it takes a power greater than OURSELVES" Duhhhhh.
It's not honest accepting guilt and shame for a genetic disorder...You didn't "Cause" it, You can "Control" it, and you will not be able to "Cure" it. Remember the 3Cs of Al-Anon? Hasn't changed.
I am also a double...a member of both Al-Anon and AA. I was alcohol free for 9 years in Al-Anon before taking a honest assessment regarding my own history with alcohol. My Grandmother turned me on at the age of nine...she had no idea what she was doing and I had no idea why my mother fought so hard to stop her from giving me that first glass of strong cultural Rose...My mother knew and my grandmother was in denial. Both sides of my family were alcoholic when I was born and so I got turned on. I understand and don't blame...that is what genetics is and I learned that in college with the hope that I would understand more about my life and why it was sooooo screwed up as I reached the doors of Al-Anon. I married the women I drank with...alcoholics and addicts and that is the way it was supposed to be until I screamed STOP!! I'M DONE!!.
Welcome to the board. Get to the online meetings we have here twice daily. The times are posted on the face page to this site.
Keep coming back...This does work when you work it.
Trust God...have patience...tread lightly and love without condition. ((((hugs))))
I, too, have a functional, alcoholic son, and, it is painful. Through al anon I how to let him be to live his life as he sees fit (not easily, though, at times...I have big ol blisters on my lips from biting them) I ditto everything that has already been said..just wanted to offer support and for you to know that you have been heard...you now have a community of transforming peeps!
Hello, JHess. My family situation is similar to yours. Al anon has helped me see that I tend to focus on the weaknesses of my family members instead of their strengths. Addicted, brain damaged, demented - they all have demonstrated multiple skills and achievements throughout their lifetimes at various times. When I focus on their weaknesses, I get sicker. When I focus on their strengths, I find it easier to make choices that I can live with peacefully. I go into "automatic rescue mode" in my head when faced with a family member who "seems like" they need me. I am learning to detach from that "rescuer mode" which helps me let go and let God a little more often. I'm only sharing my experience and what has helped me. Nothing of my story may be helpful to you, but I did want to let you know that I am one of the many people out there who share some similarities of challenges with you. We also share your strengths. I wish you the best life has to offer to you.
Thank you all for your kind words of support. It helps to know that I'm not the "only one." I work in IT (ironically, at a winery) so I seem to be surrounded by super smart people who's children are all also super smart and are attending college or have successful careers. It's hard not to compare, but I know what a trap that is.
I need to get back into this program and I should have never left it. I should have never assumed I was 'cured.' I see now that simply removing the alcoholic from the equation doesn't equal recovery. I also see now that all I can do is mind my own business, trust AD to mind her's and do what's best for my mother. Of course getting there more easily typed than done.
AD and her boyfriend are going camping this weekend so I will try to talk to my mom while they are gone and see if I can get some clarity on her feelings. I know she doesn't like AD's drinking and isolates herself in her bedroom while it's going on, but she loves AD ever-so much. Probably more that I do at this point. She will be heartbroken if I remove AD from the house. I'm fairly certain AD has manipulated my mom into believing that if AD moves out, I will put my mom into a care facility. Sticky situation fraught with emotion. I'm not good at emotion. I shut my feelings down years ago and emotional situations tend to annoy me.
Those remarks used to bother me to no end, but not anymore. Our daughter also has told us that she has no intention of stopping; even after her 3rd arrest for disorderly conduct/assault/dui last month. I know how you feel as a mother; its our job to guide and fix anything that gets into their path as they are growing up. As a result, we did not let them fail or have consequences for their bad behavior. Constantly fixing things for them, mostly financial messes as she got older. I felt I totally failed as a parent. It killed me to hear of other people discussing what college their kid got into, their job successes, the wedding plans, etc. I never had any of those experiences & I resented it, big time. Got over those feelings, too. In my early days of Alanon I remember hearing about wives and husbands talking about a spouse - if the time was coming to leave, etc. I remember thinking, yeah, I would kick their butt out the door and dont look back, but what do you do with a child? You can divorce a spouse, distance yourself from alcoholic relatives and friends, but what do you do about a child? In time I learned in those rooms how to handle this situation. Slowly but surely I have come to let my HP and her HP guide her. Still hard sometimes, but I am so much better than I was three years ago. I encourage you to make a face to face meeting. You will hear your story eventually in those rooms, it always happens.
) and she went back to school in the spring. Amazingly she seems to be having some success at school. I think it's because it only requires a short comittment of her time and a lot of the classes are online. But without the responsibility of showing up for a job, she drinks more.
) I ditto everything that has already been said..just wanted to offer support and for you to know that you have been heard...you now have a community of transforming peeps!