The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Not even 24 hrs ago I posted about my progress. I really felt proud of myself yesterday.
Tonight, I am here alone, no idea where AH is. He lied again, I figured out the deception and confronted him this morning, angry and scolding, how can you keep doing this, I screamed. I left for work and havent heard from him since.
I am so angry at him, he is jeapordizing our financial future so much, I fear we will lose our house. But truly I am just as angry at myself, for falling into the same destructive behavior.
The say we spouses are addicted to the chaos and "excited misery" that comes with this disease. And if I am honest with myself, I was kind of looking forward to continuing the battle with him tonight, if I just could make him see,, to prove I know best, and maybe be the force that gets him to admit he needs long term rehab. I know this is not what I should be thinking or doing, but I do it anyways. (Insanity!)
But he is gone silent, and I am here with my thoughts. I am less crazy than in the past, but still sick and needing to focus on my recovery.
Sigh.
Hugs, I like the like in the play dark of the moon, it aint easy being human. I am very grateful alanon is a program of progress not perfection. Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I did this for years with NO awareness of my part in the chaos. YOU, on the other hand, can see that you are helping push the merry-go-round faster. GOOD FOR YOU.
For me, the deception was the hardest thing to deal with...it seemed to leak into everything...even his non-drinking related behavior...it's almost like he lived in a parallel universe of crazy thinking.
Hang in there my dear Paris! Keep coming here...reach out to people who "get" you...and know that once you know better, you can do better..
Hey Paris, don't be so hard on yourself. You are incredibly self-aware, and I think that is fantastic. Like you, I have tried to reason with my AH - for YEARS, actually. And it never works. It doesn't matter how right I am. My AH will never see that. It's impossible to rationalize with him. So I know exactly where you're coming from. Be good to you - do what you gotta do. Sending hugs -
Hey Paris ((((hug))))), This is an inspiring post - so full of self awareness. I do the same by the way, but it has taken your post for me to admit it to another. Thank you.
For me, my program does not stop me from making mistakes or going down some negative paths. It only gives me faster insight to turn around, not progress further, and quicker regrouping time. Yeah, some times it does help me "not react" but generally speaking, it's a gut reaction to want to scream at someone when they are that sabotaging and deceitful. Your progress is in how fast you recognize what you can control, what you can't, and how quickly you get back into the mode of living in the solution rather than the problem. I still see you as making good progress.
At some point you might get fed up to the point of wanting to separate. Will you bash yourself then as if you did wrong by voicing you are not okay with certain things? You are never going to approve of his poor choices. You will (and are) gaining wisdom into the futility of certain arguments, pleading, losing your cool, trying to have total control over him...
Self Awareness for ME was My Greatest Feat! Once I Made Myself "Aware" Of MY Part in it, I Could then Change My Thinking to my Program, and I "Listened & Learned" from my Fellow Al-Anon'rs... This is Indeed a Program of Progress, and I Do see Progress in your Share! So Keep Coming Back! Take Care of YOU! And the Only One that Can Change Your "Stinkin Thinkin" in your Head is you! A Help of me in that Department was to pick up one of my Daily Readers... "Courage to Change... One Day a Time... Or One of My Favorites "The Laungage of Letting GO!" HUGE HELP! I Can Flip to the Index... Find My Struggles, and Read... Or I hand it over to HP & Where ever the Book Opens, I Read!
This is a part of our journey...the old events with new awarenesses and the opportunities to do something....different; after patience and an inventory and then the different choice made with courage and commitment to positive change. Thanks for the support Paris. (((((hugs)))))
