The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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I've talked to her about her catching the bed on fire and I explained how scary a situation it was for me and I think she understands and is sorry. Just don't know what to do. Boundaries like no smoking while drinking won't be followed when I am not there to police the situation. I can't make her leave... this the first time any thing like this has happened. I don't know if there's anything that i can do beyond just talking about it as I have done and put it in HP's hands.
You could make her leave or split up. That is always a choice if and when you want. Denying that you have choices weakens you boundaries and it leads to helplessness and depression. It is fine to not want that but "can't " is not true. You can do anything you want dp. You are doing pretty well in dealing with a very challenging problem that has no one right answer. Supporting you in whatever feels right for you at the moment ...
Aloha dp I empathize with you and run back over my long journey in Al-Anon to look at similarities I have heard of to your situation. Pink tells it as it is and as I have also learned it..."It isn't that I can't...Its that I won't) take an alternative and make a change. I had to learn that I had much to do about my life conditions and to own the consequences of my choices. You're married to an alcoholic, a person who is addicted to a mind and mood altering chemical and when she drinks she and you get progressively worse and consequences are that if both of you don't do something different about the situation than the reasonable expectation is the future will get worse. It gets worse even when you hope for better. Change is in the "doing" is what I learned and when I learned how to do different and better than I got different and better. I've heard the "smoking alcoholic wife" experience before from an elder member of the Al-Anon Family Groups from Los Angeles. He made the choice to trust God and get to a meeting and she chose to follow her addiction and smoke. When he got back from his meeting nothing was the same as when he had left...it was all gone only the drama of fire engines and ambulances and the neighborhood crowds. When I heard this share I was at that time doing everything I though I possibly could to keep my alcoholic/addict wife safe and then I learned about alcoholism being cunning, powerful and baffling...It still got much worse. Remember the "do" words of the Serenity Prayer....Serenity, Courage, Wisdom. Are you attending face to face Al-Anon meetings? Keep coming back (((hugs)))
I woke up a few months ago, to my apartment so full of smoke that you couldn't see 10 feet in front of you. It was around 3am. One of my qualifiers had decided to cook some beacon for a dog that was sick at the time... (Imagine that.. cooking beacon for a sick dog) at 3am, and forgot they were doing it and went back to bed... the frying pan was literally on fire when I rose to see what the hell was burning. Love and care abouth this alcoholic greatly, but hey, when you start burning down my home while I'm asleep, in order to cook beacon for a sick dog.... it's time to go! When they woke with a nice hangover in the morning, I helped them pack up their few belongings and sent them down the road...
Love and care does not justify me risking my life any more, because someone else has the untreated disease of alcoholism. For some reason, I just can't find any peace and serenity in it playing the rescue game anymore.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
Hi Dp, its really hard to deal with an alcoholic. There life's are chaotic. I think face to face Alanon meetings and eventually a sponsor would really help you. You seem confused and I sense you want to move on from this incident without making any big decisions, we have all had that feeling, especially me. This disease is progressive and you have been presented with a situation that could have been really dangerous. For me, these type of situation kept happening until I changed something. After a few months of Alanon, some real recovery, a gradual build up of self esteem and new thought processes and I did what I had to do. Keep venting on here DP it keeps you from being isolated. Take care.
DP: I wonder if the anxiety you might be feeling is due to your knowing what the next right thing to do is for you and not wanting to do it? The third and eleventh step and the serenity prayer might be helpful to you? Knee jerk reactions due to anxiety and fear could make the situation worse for you. But, knowledge of your HP's will for you and the power/energy to carry it out may help you take the actions necessary in this circumstance. I don't think I could have ever made hard choices with follow up action without the guidance and grace of my HP to help me do what I needed to do. I can't say that some of the hard choices I made felt good - they didn't at first, but one day at a time and years later, I'm glad I listened to the guidance and let love for myself carry me through to a better, safer life.
