(Attempting to repost this because I meant to put this on the main board but it seemed to end up somewhere else.  Sorry if this just results in a double post--I'm honestly not trying to spam you all, lol!)

Hi all,

I'm new here.  Been trying to figure things out with my boyfriend of 10 months who drinks too much and this seemed like it might be a good place to get advice.

Last week, for the first time in our relationship, I told my BF how upsetting his drinking is for me and why it bothers me.  We'd talked about his drinking before, but this was the first time I told him how I really felt about it.  He broke down and cried, clearly devastated, and apologized for putting me in the position of needing to confront him.  He told me how much I meant to him and how he agrees his drinking is a problem and that he never wants it to affect our relationship again.  But ultimately, he decided he doesn't want to give up drinking.  His plan is to abstain for a little while, then work on moderating.

Now, during our conversation, I never asked him to quit, because I feel like quitting won't "stick" unless it's his choice (and it clearly isn't).  He's still very functional, so I think it's hard for him to accept that he can't control his drinking.  He usually only gets drunk on weekends, and he's also a "fun" drunk, the kind of person who just gets livelier and more jovial when they drink.  

But he sneaks drinks when people aren't looking (something that he has come clean about and apologized for).  And before we met he was getting drunk about 5 times a week, and had even considered AA or rehab before "cutting back" to the weekends.  He's tried to moderate of his own accord at least twice before--once before we started dating, and once in the middle of our relationship--and it didn't work either time.  I'm pretty sure it won't work this time either.  When he told me his plan to try moderating again, though, I agreed to it, because I was hoping that if he fails yet again, that will finally make him realize that he needs to give up on drinking for good.

So right now he's in the abstaining phase of his plan.  It's only been a week, but I was extremely happy to see him not drinking last weekend, to see that he's really trying to follow through with his promises.  However, the more I think about it, the more I realize that once he starts the moderating phase of his plan, we're probably going to end up right back where we were.  And I don't think I can handle going through that again, emotionally.

But I don't know how to address this with him.  Since he's made it clear that he wants to return to drinking, should I just respect his choice and break up with him?  Or, since he's currently abstaining (albeit temporarily), should I let him know that I will leave if he goes through with his plan to start drinking again, but that I will stay if he continues abstaining?  And should I wait until he's ready to go back to drinking to talk to him about this or should I bring it up now?

He's very committed to our relationship and has been so open about the drinking issue that I don't want to cut things off without being completely honest about what I need for our relationship to work.  However, since he already knows that his drinking upsets me, I worry that going a step further and giving him an ultimatum about quitting would be too controlling.

I don't know.  I don't know if I even have the strength to end things with him yet.  There are still so many good things in our relationship.  Maybe I am the one who needs to see his moderation attempts fail one more time, not him.  But any advice would be appreciated (and sorry for the tl;dr post).

Thanks!

p.s.

Other random details: we're both in our mid-20s, and we don't live together.

Stratosphere,

I read this thread. Pinkchip made some good points. 20's, clearly a problem progressing into sloppy drunk by 30- which would be my boyfriend. I met him at the ripeness of his alcoholism 2 years ago, right before we turned 3o. ROUGH TWO YEARS TOGETHER. It is hard for me to even post this b/c I hate reliving what it was like to fight that battle of " You can't control it, lets try to do it 1 more time, omg this is a nightmare."

This was my experience: (My boyfriend was where yours was when we met and 1o months in I realized how bad it was also.) He would cry, same deal, and say he wanted to control it. He is a fun drunk, same story. Great life, great friends, successful at work. Our relationship- another story. He has things I like about him, and we fell in love, but I was living in a fantasy thinking he was putting me 1st. He put booze first. then himself. then me. We argued over drinking, and I never said I would break up with him. I just expressed how it "affected me." After promises to lay off for awhile "because of his health," "because of us fighting" ... etc etc.. He would then start up again thinking he could control it. Eventually it just led to this roller coaster of dissapointment, blacking out, and ups and downs every other day. It just became more and more unstable, and effected my self esteem and life in a profound way. He wouldnt get as sloppy, just smarter at drinking- and still end up not remembering shit by the end of the night. I became the target eventually- He started to feel controlled- manipulated- and it was almost like his addiction started telling him I was the enemy trying to "change him and couldnt accept him for who he was." It was my issue. Not his. So that initial crying and desire to treat me right was just a mirage. He was a full blown alcoholic,and I was fighting with his disease. Not him. He was unreasonable and it was horrible for me. I felt alone.

My solution: I went to al-anon to learn as much as I could about blackouts, how to deal with my feelings, understand why I couldnt leave him if it was so bad, read books from amazon. Toby Rice Drews:Getting them sober helped get a few key points about alcoholic boyfriends/husbands through my head. I stopped pleading, begging, trying to *talk it out.* I just stopped reacting, and stopped including him in my life as much, and when I knew he was in a *controlling it* phase, I let him get wasted, and the next day without anger would just ask him to go home and I would make it clear that I wasn't interested in having him around for awhile after that. Not in words. In actions. One morning after a blackout he asked if I took the apt key from him. I said," No. You blacked out and threw it at me." I then handed him a book on alcoholism. Silently. And left for a few days for a vacation with my parents. He eventually read it when he was ready, felt disgusting, and realized that his lying, and drinking was making HIM feel gross. AND, I didn't need to talk to him about it anymore I just didnt want to see him.

He went to AA, and after two weeks couldnt deal with the detox and drank again. BLOW OUT drunk. broke the front door on accident. cried. lied. blamed me. (because after 2 years, they start blaming for everything, things you never thought would even be coming out of their mouth. You have been the punching bag now for awhile so this is natural.) I was out of town and just asked him not to be home when I got back and so again I reinforced that i was going to go to al-anon and take care of myself and set boundaries meaning- you cant be in my apt if your behavior upsets me, and is unhealthy. I need to take care of MYSELF now. Please respect that. He quietly did. put on the guilt. but when it didnt work, he cleaned himself up. After some more lying and drinking, and lying and drinking, and disappointing himself now more than me, he tried AA a second time and is now almost 30 days sober. He wants it for himself. I am happy for him. But I lost a lot of myself meanwhile, and not sure if it was worth it to be honest. the personal consequences are quite devastating, and you have to be careful. It does deteriorate your insides, your happiness, and a 10 month thing two years later and 1 miscarriage later due to stress and other factors, was not worth it for me. I am truly realizing this disease cannot be faught with ultimatums b/c it controls their brain and will. You have to just find your own peace, start going to a support group like al-anon, and if you want to deal with his " controlling it phase" then walk away for you, or stay in it and deal with it without losing your cool or arguing. it makes it worse. you have to do it by action. set boundaries. and stay calm. and really accept that the alcohol is their top priority. not you. that was the hardest part for me.


My heart goes out to you. felt like I was reading my own post tonight for a second. I hope this helps. :) Big hug.