The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
His addiction is costing your parents and your grandparents.
He is not seeking help or recovery.
Does helping someone hide secrets that cause harm to your own parents, grandparents, him help anyone?
How guilty many of us have been in the past by denying there were serious problems.
Know that no one can force you to do anything also know that choices come with responsiblity. If you were in your parents shoes, or grandmothers shoes and it were your house and your children lying to you to protect someone who is in the midst of an addiction....
By keeping secrets doesn't that close your circle of friends and family you can go to for help, people that love you and want the best for you?
-- Edited by Peggy7 on Friday 19th of April 2013 03:05:28 PM
My husband is and addict. It has contributed to a huge finacial problem. These problems have really affected my family and my extended family. My mom and grandma have been helping us get by, and my mom is now my landlord. Once again I don't have any rent money for her. As much as my AH promises he is going to have it, I don't forsee it by tomarrow. He is mentaly in no shape to work.
I now that the addiction is his problem and his story to tell. But it is ethical or ok to tell people about it? He hasn't really stopped yet, but is enrolled in outpatient treatment. He changed the start time to monday an hasn't gone to AA yet and is using. I am very conserned about his mental state and using. I am feeling the effects of it and trying to get distance. However, should I have a sit down with my mom and lay it out. My husband is an addict, here is where I am at fiancially and ask for help ect...? I think she will try to force me to get a divorce or kick me out, or kick him out of our house. I hate keeping secrets but is telling about HIS problem ok? My family will hate him. It will affect him.
OR should I stick it out til monday see if he does treatment, and if he is going to be successful? Give him a chance to do the right thing?
WOW .. Rinn big hugs this is a rough situation to be in, .. honestly my program has taught me when in doubt don't. THEN I pray to my HP for the wisdom to change what I can and accept what I can't, turning over the situation to the God of my understanding and leaving it alone until I feel sure about what I need to do.
One of the biggest and I have had MANY BIG lessons since coming to alanon .. lol .. one of them when I force my will in a situation it NEVER comes out well. The God of my understanding knows far better what is best in any given situation than I do. I know when it's the God of my understanding vs my will as well, .. my will is usually me acting out of fear of some kind (anger, confusion and so on), the God of my understanding .. His will is far better than mine and much more calming effect .. I KNOW when I'm coming from that place of for the highest good of all concerned.
I leave these kinds of questions for the God of my understanding (I do the footwork) then I let Him show up and show off knowing when I let go and let God I am allowing other options to show themselves.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I would not consider it unethical to tell your family about his addiction. While it may be his problem it is having a strong impact on you and your family. Alcoholism is a family disease. I kept my stbxah's addiction from my family for many years. We live in a different state so it wasn't that difficult. He got fired from jobs several times because of the alcoholism and I would lie to my family if we ever needed money and tell them we had an unexpected car repair or something else. Treatment did not work for him and things got really bad. It came to a point where I had to leave him and finally had to tell my family about his alcoholism. My family was angry I didn't tell them sooner and although we didn't ask for help often they said they would never have given us financial assistance if I had told the truth about his addiction. They now feel like their money went to enabling an addiction and in a way they are correct. My husband will soon be out of my life forever. And my relationship with my family is now damaged because I tried to protect him from embarassment. Not telling the family did not help him in anyway. It just allowed us both to live in denial longer.
The anonymity we speak about in program is the anonymity that the alcoholic/addict while attending recovery; AA or NA. When my exwife was drinking and using I didn't tell because I didn't know. Giving the family information so that they can make best choices for themselves is okay...for me. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
There is no right answer. You deserve family support and your A should not have you trapped and having to keep secrets. If he'd manned up and gotten into recovery sooner this wouldn't be an issue. It's the consequences of his choices. Isolating you of from your family is what an addict does to keep you hostage, stuck in fear and ashamed. It's not right. So if you want and need the honest communication with your family then it's understandable. I also understand if you wait. You are doing your best with what you have been dealt. Do what you need to do for you and your family and go easy on yourself. Try not to rip yourself or obsess over things largely caused by him and his addiction. Living in the solution and not the problem will get you through this.
Hi Rinn, it is tough isn't it. I hope you find some peace. At times like this I ask myself 'how am I with....eg. telling/not telling my family members?' Sometimes I insert the words 'on balance, how am I with....?' Sometimes I question myself about why I want to say something - do I need some support, for example? These are just little things that help me to find out what feels right for myself and what action could risk undermining my own self confidence. Sending ((((hugs)))))
I was told early on that we are not any one's secret keeper.... that it is not our job to protect them from exposure, or to continue our enabling by sheltering them from their own reality. I venture to say that given the situation that you have shared here, the family already has a pretty good clue that he is not doing his part as well as why.
I would ask the family member you are closest to to sit down for a few minutes because you need to share something with them. Tell them what's going on and ask them to be there for you as you talk with your mother/landlord.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
He got fed up and tore the door off his little room where he did stuff, put the tv he watched thing on in the yard. I told him once how muh I wanted to smash it so he made that possible. Threw his stuff away, he called his friends in front of me and said he was done. (I didn't ask for this stuff btw) Then he called my mom and told her the truth that he was an addict and h would move out if she wanted. Luckily she didn't want him to. He started treatment today and actually went. if was a good weekend.
He struggled a lot and cried, and had a hard time staying away from things he messed up once since friday. But altogether I think things will get better. I think he is finnaly motivated to try and that is a huge improvement.
